Get Your War On

Editor's Note: Generally speaking, I think people from New York City are also fucking egomaniacal retards.

Stupid Beer News

Todd likes to send lots of "stupid beer news" links that I'm usually too lazy to post, but in honor of his perseverance I'll inaugurate the new "Stupid Beer News" department with this story of stupidity: Mom Sues Coors Over Son's Death in Accident.

Well, at least her dumbass son had the excuse of drinking, albeit he must have had to down about 100 cans of that girl piss to get that stupid. Not sure what her excuse for being so dumb is.

Mark Your Calendars

On May 14-16, Modern Drunkard magazine is hosting "Lost Weekend in Las Vegas," its first annual convention. Sounds like a good time. How can you not like an event that promises "bands, boozing, burlesque, drinking contests, booze tastings, game shows, film screenings, soused seminars, debauchery, and more boozing"? Not to mention an ad featuring a monkey in a fez. I wonder how many guys are going to tell their wives/girlfriends they have a "business conference" that weekend.

WSUK

And while browsing the News, I came across this article by Don Henley about the sorry state of what we call "the music industry" these days. I don't agree with everything he says, and particularly not his conclusion. Washington is where you go when you want to find the problems, not the solutions. (Also his assertion that artists are at the "bottom of the food chain" -- no, Don, consumers are at the bottom of the food chain.)

But he raises some good points about how consolidation and "corporatization" of broadcast venues has really turned radio into a big, shitty wasteland. Nobody I know who cares even a little about music listens to commercial radio anymore. Even "average" people I talk to are in unanimous agreement that corporate radio is abject, worthless garbage.

I think it's partly because of this widely recognized reality that alternatives like satellite radio and Internet broadcasting have arisen to fill the void. In fact, as I type this I'm listening to Q105 radio, a "station" broadcast via the 'net out of some guy's basement in Novi. Check out his web site; he works in radio and acknowledges that it sucks. (And thanks to my pal Steve for alerting me to this site.)

I don't know what the answer ultimately is. I would like to feel guilty and bad about occasionally downloading MP3s of songs I like that used to be freely available on the radio. But I just don't. I just don't feel like I'm depriving some poor band of a hot meal. I feel instead like I'm giving the middle finger to the arrogant, soulless entities that are stifling music and attempting to absolutely control how it can be enjoyed and when and by whom and in what medium. Maybe it's just my anti-authoritarian streak speaking, but that to me is a gratifying feeling.

The Whatever

The Detroit News has some more on The Hair's wonderful show, "The Apprentice," including an edited version of The Barry's comments.

What Me Work?

So I haven't gotten as much done at work this week as I needed to, owing to my obsessive preparations for a certain... uh, something I won't mention in public but which both of my regular readers already know about anyway.

I brought a ton of work home with me this weekend to make up the lost time ("You spent HOW many hours to write ONE [product name deleted because I don't want someone from Dow Legal to find this site on a search engine] tech article???"). But as it turns out, it's warm and beautiful outside, so here I am on the balcony sipping a beer and pretending for a little while that I don't have so much damn work to do.

Bring on more weather like this, I say! And maybe this spring will bring better things for me. Hmmm, spring... bring... things. How poetic.

Neo-Zombies?

Letting It All Hang Out

Now that it's after midnight, I should be able to bring myself to go to bed, especially since I do have to work in the morning. Blah.

Dr. Perky

On second thought, drink Dr. Perky instead. It's the drink of choice for Verd.

Cutty Black

It's 100 proof. It's the new drink of choice by many of rock's elite. And if you don’t drink it, you're obviously some sort of loser. Did we mention it's 100 proof?

Maybe It's Time for an Intervention

So Verd has not been updating his blog very frequently of late, and when he does update, it's not with the drunken eloquence of months past. Perhaps the honeymoon has worn off. Or just the alcohol. I guess we'll take care of that this Saturday, which marks the official end of Lent.

Reality Schmoe

My curmudgeonly friend and fellow Greek Barry Kalellis has a good take on Donald Trump's crappy show. (Okay, I admit I've never seen it, but it's got Donald Trump on it, so it must be crappy.)

Zombies (Continued)

I picked up my non-defective DVD of "Dawn of the Dead" at -- haha! -- the mall today. The commentary track is interesting; Romero talks about shopping around the script for his fourth "Dead" movie. It sounds like it will be an uphill battle. Hopefully some lame-ass megacorp studio will have the stones to pony up the $14 million or so he and his wife say it would take to make it. Of course, in today's moviemaking dollars, that's peanuts. But Romero goes against the grain too much. If he would just cast Ben Affleck and aim for a PG-13 rating, he could probably get $100 million. And make a really crappy movie. Such is the state of filmmaking today, especially horror flicks.

If he ever does get to make it, I think it would be fun to be a zombie extra. Who knows, maybe he would film in Pittsburgh again -- that's not too far. Anyone up for a road trip?

Brrrraaaaiiiinnnnssss!

Cool! Even more zombie action in theatres soon!

Dawn of Dr. Cheese

Dawn of the Dead (2004)
*** of ****

(Soon to appear on IMDb):

The first thing that needs to be said about this movie is that it is a completely different animal from the 1978 horror masterpiece by zombie auteur George A. Romero. The two films share a title and a few superficial details of plot and setting, but other than that, they have little in common. This movie is not as philosophically deep, intelligent, witty, or suspenseful as Romero's. It's a strictly modern horror flick, and by "modern" I mean that it has typically shallow, flat characters; frequently stupid and vulgar dialogue; and that annoying, MTV-style, this-might-be-scary-if-you-could-tell-what-the-fuck-was-happening kind of editing. If you go into it with this in mind, you will enjoy it more.

And so the next thing that needs to be said is that, despite its self-imposed limitations as an ADD-generation movie, the new "Dawn" still manages to be above-average zombie flesh-eating entertainment -- easily the best entry in this horror subgenre in years (though, considering all the crap out there, that isn't saying a whole lot). So before I get to my list of cons/pet peeves, I'll mention some of the positive aspects of this movie.

First, the changes to the story go beyond the standard, gratuitous, change-for-the-sake-of-change sort. There are some truly inventive elements here, such as the impressive scenes of devastation at the beginning of the film, the lone survivor on the rooftop across from our heroes and their relationship with him, and the well done "Blair Witch" style coda during the end credits. Overall, the whole "zombie epidemic" is handled pretty slickly and without any of that snarky, postmodern self-consciousness that sinks so many remakes of well-known classics.

Next, although the zombie splatter action is not as over-the-top graphic as it is in Romero's classics, director Zack Snyder avoids the cop-out cutaway shot often enough to satisfy at least the casual gorehound. (Actually, some scenes serve to remind just how wimpy your average splatter horror movie has become these days.)

And while it's true that the powerful subtext of Romero's work and his sardonic wit are absent in the new "Dawn," there are still some moments of black comedy that really are pretty funny. (Watch for the "celebrity" shoot-'em-up sequence for a prime example.)

Finally, the music selections are inspired, from Johnny Cash in the opening credits to Richard Cheese during the midpoint comic relief to "People Who Died" by the Jim Carroll Band during the closing credits (I didn't think more than a handful of people even knew that song existed). Throw in some well placed muzak selections, and it becomes clear that someone with a brain deliberately worked on the soundtrack. Awesome!

Now for the bad things. Perhaps most prominently, the movie suffers from the "modern" attributes mentioned above. The characters are not given a chance to truly develop; you never really know any of them and, hence, don't particularly care about them. To be fair, I think screenwriter James Gunn did make an effort to infuse some life into our intrepid heroes, but there are just too many characters (read: zombie fodder) for even the most skilled writer to develop. As a result, what characterization there is almost seems like an afterthought, and some of the actions of the characters are just inexplicable. (I suspect the DVD, when it comes out, may offer a number of deleted scenes that help, ahem, flesh things out more.)

Nobody watches zombie movies for the dialogue, but I wish Hollywood screenwriters didn't feel the need to gratuitously throw the "f-word" and other assorted obscenities into every other sentence. I'm not prudishly averse to cussing, but a forced excess of expletives just detracts from the import of what's actually said and reminds viewers of the inherently juvenile nature of Hollywood moviemaking these days.

As for the MTV-video style editing, do I really need to explain how much better it would be if the director let your eye focus on the action for more than a tenth of a second?

Overall, the new "Dawn" owes more to "28 Days Later" than its namesake, at least as far as the zombie mythology goes. Like Romero's films, the cause of the zombie plague is unknown, and also like in Romero's films, it doesn't matter. Unlike Romero's films, however, the clues point more to a virus, as in Danny Boyle's pseudo-zombie epic. Here the zombies are definitely dead, but they also movie rapidly, again as in "28 Days Later." And although I prefer the creeping sense of dread of Romero's slow-moving animated corpses, I found the fast zombies didn't bother me as much as I thought they would. What really bothered me was the stupid wildcat noises they made when they attacked. Why would walking (ok, running) corpses make noises like that? Dumb.

However, in the movie's favor, the zombies here sometimes make more sense than Romero's. In particular, there's one scene where a zombie is chasing down someone to eat, but then abruptly breaks off pursuit as soon as he spots an easier mark. Romero's zombies like to kill people, begin eating them, then stop as soon as they see someone else to kill, leaving you to wonder why they would bother chasing someone else when they already have something to eat.

Oh well. In the end, as Chief McLellan from "Night of the Living Dead" puts it, "They're dead. They're all messed up."

Not a masterpiece, but still recommended for fans of the living dead.

And You Thought It Was Expensive Now?

Wait until it's legal. From "Swiss government supports end to absinthe ban":

Legalizing [absinthe] would actually enable authorities to control the production of the alcohol and tax its sales, [the government] said.

The Ten Commands (of Hollywood)

Here's one of the better, more even-handed articles I've seen on Mel Gibson's "controversial" movie (you know the one I'm talking about and it's not Mad Max). It doesn't impugn his motives or try to psychoanalyze his personality or any of the usual business; just lays out how he came to make the movie and how it's shaking out financially (which is really, really well).

Less Than Four Months Left

...until the 2004 Michigan Elvis Fest! I wonder if Fat Elvis will be there?

Hmmm...

Early comments on the new "Dawn of the Dead" are positive.

Which Book Are You?

I'm apparently Les Miserables (pretend this links to Amazon, I'm too lazy to fix it now):

One of the best known people in your community, you have become something of a phenomenon. People have sung about you, danced in your honor, created all manner of art in your name. And yet your story is one of failure and despair, with a few brief exceptions. A hopeless romantic, you'll never stop hoping that more good will come from your failings than is ever possible. Beware detectives and prison guards bearing vendettas.

Go take the book quiz, or something.

Sad Tidings

Today I learned that Harold Schwocho, who lived across the street from my parents since the beginning of time, has died. I don't know his age; he was old when I was a kid, so if he wasn't in his 90s, he was darn near it. The news got me to thinking about growing up as I did, on a street where just about everyone knew everyone else, and the folks who lived there mostly stayed put. Without idealizing my childhood, I do recognize my good fortune in being part of a real neighborhood. Mr. Schwocho and everyone else on Oceana Avenue created a real sense of place and permanence. That's something I would want to give my kids, if I ever have any, and if it were something I could have any control over. I think everyone needs that sense of place. Especially children.

God rest you, Mr. Schwocho.

Warning

This film has been modified from its original version. All the funny parts have been taken out.

Dr. Cheese Strikes Again

Two more masterpieces suffered through recently: "Horrors of Spider Island" and (Greg's favorite) "Zombie Lake."

Dawn of the Dead Redux

The re-make of Romero's "Dawn of the Dead" is due out in theatres March 19. I've already seen a commercial on the boob tube. Will it be any good? As always, I'm pessimistic, having seen more than my fair share of really awful zombie movies. But maybe, just maybe, it won't suck totally. Of course, it would be nice if Hollywood would just give Romero some money so he could make his "Dusk of the Dead" (or "Dead Reckoning," or whatever he's calling it) instead of lavishing millions on others to re-do his previous works of genius.

Spotlight on: You Buying Stuff II

Tonight's entertainment is "Peep Show" from Siouxsie & the Banshees. If you weren't such a big jerk, you'd go buy it RIGHT NOW.

HAPPY LEAP DAY!!!!1

Spotlight on: You Buying Stuff

I can't believe how completely not obvious it is to just make a stupid link to something on Amazon you want others to buy so you'll get money. There's every kind of bell, whistle, dopey graphic and promotion you could ever desire, but if you just want a simple text link that credits your site, I guess you're on your own for figuring out how that works.

So here's the first official test, not that I'll ever find out if I did it right. But anyway, I'm listening to Pink Floyd's best damn album right now. Go buy it, unless you're some kind of gay loser.

Leapin' Lizards

Usually, this is the last day of February.

But this year it's not.

Whoa.

Random Friday Night Picture

Prepare yourself, because it's shocking:

They're Baaaaack

Cool, the archived posts from my stupid blog that were apparently nuked when I switched from weekly to monthly links have magically been restored.

What this means for you, Dear Reader, is that you can once again access absolutely all of the pointless drivel that has oozed out of my beer-basted brain since I established this exercise in cyberfutility in March 2003. Lucky you.

Consumerism RULES!

Quick, go and buy something -- anything -- with my spiffy new "Amazon Associates" link on the right. A part of the proceeds goes to buying me beer, or something.

Actually, no, I requested that I be paid in Amazon gift certificates (a great marketing ploy on their part), so I won't really get any beer. Just money for books and stuff, which is almost as good as beer.

But you really had better hurry, because once Amazon actually reads my site, they will probably kick me out of their Associates program for being insufficiently diverse or tolerant or something.

Hurry Up, Easter

Day 3 with no beer, and it's very sad around the old apartment. Especially since I have so much beer sitting around left over from my Mardi Gras party. (Hey, anyone need some beer?)

Jesus was tempted by temporal wealth and power. Beer is almost too much for me. I would definitely not have made a good Christ figure. Fortunately, Jesus did.

I'm New Orleans Bound, Baby!

It had been getting to be too long since I visited the Big Easy, so now it's official: I'm going back to my favoritest place on earth (so far), June 17-21. I can already taste the muffulettas! Oh, maybe that's because I just did taste the muffulettas.

The End of Carnival

My on-again, off-again relationship with God is on again for Lent, which means if you notice me trying to be less of a jerk, it's because I'm trying to make God think I'm not one. Of course, he knows I am anyway, so I guess there's not much of a point. Still, it can be good to make an effort once in a while.

Lame

Greg hasn't updated his blog since January. What a loser.

I Love IMDB Reviews

Some creative user comments about a couple of films I recently viewed (Dr. Cheese has weighed in on them as well):

Badly written, badly edited, and (if I may be so bold) badly acted, "The Order" is the black hole of film - a movie so dense not even the slightest bit of entertainment could escape from its event horizon of suck.

Some wonderful words about "Cabin Fever":

My friends and I spent an afternoon watching this movie (and the DVD extras) and were in a constant state of awe. Initially we expected the worst, but were horrified, shocked and appalled throughout, wondering how in the world anyone would let a movie as horrible as this be created, spawned, forged from the dregs of Satan's vomit.

And finally, this ringing endorsement of "House of the Dead":

The only analogy i could come up with for ... releasing this film, is a 400 lb man eating 8 dominoes pizzas, 4 bags of cheetos, a tub of crisco and 10 lbs of chili, then running into the bathroom..and following a thunderous explosion, inviting the world in to see the remains!

So you can see I spend my time well....

We Have a Wiener!

And the winner of the contest (not that there really was one) to name my Pernod and 7up mixture is... Verd, with his entry of "Abseventh." Now that this fine drink has a name, I think I'll pour myself one....

Neocon

The Offspring's new album, Splinter, has a song called "Neocon." Here are the lyrics:

We are strong
We are right
We won't be pushed aside
We'll go on
We will fight
We will not compromise
We will never lose to you
We will never lose to you
We will never lose to you
We will never lose to you

Wha' Happened?

You know, seeing how much creative talent and even musical ability Eugene Levy has just makes me even more annoyed that he wastes so much of his time appearing in drek like "American Pie."

Mighty Mighty

"A Mighty Wind" is pure genius, the best Christopher Guest mockumentary since "Spinal Tap." And you don't have to be especially familiar with folk music to enjoy it. Knowing just a little about folk, though, will help you realize even more the monumental talent that it takes to make a film like this.

The usual suspects -- Guest, Eugene Levy, Harry Shearer, Catherine O'Hara, Michael McKean -- are back as funny characters, but this time they've also penned -- AND played AND sung -- a number of genuinely catchy songs. The songs are about 90% authentic sounding folk songs, and 10% "off," for a little comedy (ok, maybe more than 10% for "Barnyard Symphony").

But most of the humor, as usual, comes from the improvised acting of the oddball characters as sketched by Guest and Levy and filled out by the previously mentioned actors as well as regulars like Bob Balaban, Parker Posey, Fred Willard, etc. There's even an actually touching moment (you'll know it if you watch the movie).

This one was so good that for the second time ever I actually listened to the commentary track on a DVD (and for the record, even Guest and Levy note that Fred Willard is "strange"). The "special features" of deleted scenes, etc. are also worth watching.

So watch it.

Hope It Wasn't Budweiser

Otherwise, what a lot of wasted effort.

What do you call 10 tons of Budweiser trapped under a frozen river?

A good start!

White Trash Neighbor Update

Today I came home for lunch and happened to bump into the cleaning lady, vacuuming the carpet in the hall. She sees me, stops vacuuming, and asks if the motor scooter chained to the stairs is mine. I've seen that thing there for the last two weeks or so, and told her that. She says, "Yeah, I figure it's probably theirs" and points toward the door to White Trashdom (which of course has two big bags of garbage propped outside of it). She goes on to say that the scooter can't be in the hall like that, because if one of the handicapped, ill people who live on the ground floor ever needs to be carried out of the building by paramedics, that shit will be in the way. I mention something to the effect that I don't like the White Trash people, and run through my litany of annoyances with them. She interrupts me when I mention their habit of banging their door open and closed at all hours and says the tenant below them has complained about that same thing. She also says she's going to tell them to quit leaving their fucking trash out in the hall and throwing cigarette butts on the carpet.

Of course, the maintenance guys have been standing right outside my door pounding on something all evening -- apparently they are replacing the door to the White Trash Palace for some reason. I hope they're bolting the bastards in or something.

Wow, It Actually Worked

An update on the tons of spam I was getting from "Tail Wagging Offers News Letter." I know it's usually a bad idea to respond to spam, but I was getting so heavily slammed by these clowns, I figured I had nothing to lose by sharing my opinion with them. So about two weeks ago I hit "Reply" and asked them to kindly fuck off and die. Since then, I have not gotten one more spam from those jerks. Who'da thought?

Good News

This week, I sent a check in to my pals at Citibank, ending nearly four years of credit card debt. Therefore, allow me a moment's rejoicing.

YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!! WOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!! AWWWWW YYYYYEEEEEAHHHHH!!!!!!!1

Thank you.

Straight Eye for the Queer Guy

Holy crap, what is all this gay shit in your place? Knick-knacks? Flowers? What the hell?

Where are all the empty beer bottles and pizza boxes?

This space could really use a mini-bar.

How about a pool table for this room?

A closet full of leather chaps? Disgusting! You need some more flannel shirts, dude.

We suggest less pink overall. Paint the place blue. Dark blue.

And the wrestling magazines in the bathroom? Those have to go. Try a book of The Onion.

You faggot.

Oh, I'm an Ape Man, I'm an Ape, Ape Man

I found this page on the legendary Ape Man of New Orleans. It looks like it's part of some cryptoozology webring. I'm glad someone is out there investigating the rumors!

Mark Your Calendars

Mardi Gras in Midland will be on Saturday, Feb. 21. Formal (as formal as I get, anyway) email invitations to come.

The Skids in the Hall

So I'm sitting here watching a nice Dr. Cheese type of movie, and I hear my white trash neighbors across from me sitting in the hall yukking it up, as they are wont to do. The hallway, you see, is apparently an extension of their living room. They put their trash out and leave it there for days, as if they expect that garbage men will enter the building and pick it up for them. They sit out with friends and chat loudly, usually blocking the stairway. For variety's sake, sometimes one of them will sit out alone instead, talking on a phone while blocking the stairway. And they not only like to smoke right outside my door, they leave cigarette butts all over the hall carpet along with a disgusting glass "ashtray" full of rancid water and ash. Oh yeah, they also have the additional charming habit of banging their door open and shut constantly and at all hours. I guess I can be thankful they don't blare rap, at least.

Anyway, I'm sitting here listening to them babble and guffaw so I pause the movie to hear what they're saying. It gradually becomes clear that I've left my keys in my door and they are discussing this apparently unheard-of (to them, I guess) phenomenon. One person suggests knocking on my door and telling me. But one or two others say, "We should take them." The original person says this isn't the first time he's seen my keys left in my door. (Sadly he's right, I left them in the door all night the other day -- I almost never do this, but I have twice now in the last week.) He concludes that this means I'm "drunk all the time." That leaving your keys in the door could be the absentminded result of entering your apartment with your arms full of groceries apparently doesn't occur to him.

Although I thought it a little awkward at this point to open the door and grab my keys, I did anyway, since I didn't trust that these obnoxious yahoos wouldn't take them. I just smiled at them sitting in their auxiliary living room, cigarettes in hand, gave my best "Thanks for confirming you are exactly the sort of white trash scum I thought you were" look, took the keys, and closed the door.

Moral of the story: If I'm dorky enough to forget my keys in the lock again and they disappear, I'll know exactly which dirtbags to confront about it. Meanwhile, I think I will act on my impulse to take their scummy ashtray and throw it out next time I see it sitting in the hall. Which will be next time I'm in the hall, since they leave it out 24/7.

Semi-Random Saturday Night Link

The Absinthe Literary Review is an interesting site with a cool design.

Generation X

You know that "Gen X" is now in charge of producing major ad campaigns when you're watching a car commercial on TV and it features a Yaz song.

Featurama!

It slices! It dices! It now has a search engine! And a pointless poll thingy!

Why? In the immortal words of Mike Judge, "Hey, it was free, asswipe!"

A Good Mixture

Fake absinthe and 7up actually taste really damn good together.

*BLAM!* You Really Got Me!

Ray Davies of "The Kinks" fame has been shot in an attempted mugging on Burgundy. Although the Times-Picayune story on the incident says the shooter was apprehended hours after the crime, there are rumors of a mysterious, shadowy figure who was skulking nearby and remains at large. Could this have been the legendary Ape Man of New Orleans?

Jonesing Big Time

I'm ready for another excursion down to NOLA soon. Lately I done been thinking about being there and it's making me homesick. Had a muffuletta in Dallas over New Year's. It was good, but it just wasn't the same....

A Magazine I Can Toast

Modern Drunkard -- At last, here' s a magazine with useful information in it, like how to "Make the Most of Your Next Trip to Oblivion," "The 12 Steps to Becoming a Better Drunkard," and "365 Reasons to Get Soused." So politically incorrect I am inclined to support this fine publication with an actual subscription. And, yes, Todd, they've even done a story on absinthe.

Here's looking at you, kid. (Of course I have a beer in hand.)

Top o' the List

I'm at the top of the list of the new "Tolkien Archive" unveiled today at LewRockwell.com. Hooray for alphabetical order! Of course, they spelled my name wrong. I guess you can't have everything.

Damn That Spam

Grrrrrr, if I get one more spam email from "Tail Wagging Offers Newsletter" I'm going to start up "Face-Punching Offers Newsletter" and personally deliver it with the same frequency, which would be about thrice daily. Bastards.

What Constitution?

I meant to post this revelation a while back, but I forgot. So sue me.

Gen. Tommy Franks says that if the United States is hit with a weapon of mass destruction that inflicts large casualties, the Constitution will likely be discarded in favor of a military form of government.

Franks, who successfully led the U.S. military operation to liberate Iraq, expressed his worries in an extensive interview he gave to the men’s lifestyle magazine Cigar Aficionado.

Of course, Gen. Franks's comments presume the Constitution hasn't pretty much been discarded already.

Quoted

If you listen to the band's catalog, you might say there are a few recurring themes found in our songs: beer, gin and tonic, whiskey, cocaine, tequila, martinis, marijuana, cigarettes, cars, more beer, pretty women, sermons, cats and dogs, the devil, Texas, and Jimbo. Not to mention steak and dildos. All the good things in life.
--Jim Heath, a.k.a. the Reverend Horton Heat

Battleshit Galactipoop

Greg is all wrong about the Sci-Fi Channel's re-imagining of the Battlestar Galactica series from early 1980s. I saw the whole thing and thought it was poo. There was one interesting character in the whole mess, and that was old Baltar. The rest were either stock characters (the feisty lone wolf cowboy (or in this case, cowgirl)) or else seemingly motiveless people you could in no way empathize with because you couldn't figure out what was supposed to be going on in their heads (Adama, Apollo, the chick who became president).

And what was with reducing virtually the entire Cylon "race" to one hot chick who magically appeared only to one character? There was not only no reason whatever to care about the human race as pathetically represented in this miniseries, but you also never really saw who was attacking them.

All in all, I'm at a loss to explain why this miniseries was even made.

Fab T-Birds Defy Logic

Ever have that experience where you suddenly realize that a song lyric you've merrily sung along with for years doesn't make any bloody sense?

Case in point -- this line from "Tuff Enuff" by The Fabulous Thunderbirds:

I would work 24 hours, seven days a week / Just so I could come home and kiss your cheek.

Well sure, now it's obvious what's wrong with it after I type it out. If he's working 24 hours a day, seven days a week, when would he ever be able to come home and kiss anyone's cheek? He'd be living at the office or the construction site or the coal mine or the gay bath house or whatever. For how many years and how many listens did this logical contradiction escape my piercing intellect?

On the other hand, the lyric as written could mean he works only 24 hours in any given seven-day week, in which case he would have plenty of time to come home and kiss cheeks. But then if that were the case, he wouldn't be very "tuff."

How provocative.

Are YOU on the Right Road?

Ever see those stupid fundie comics from Jack T. Chick explaining what horrible stuff is going to happen to you after you die -- unless you're a fundie?

Well, it turns out Chick is a little off-base with what's really going to happen...

Electoral Raid on Iraq?

So Verd thinks Bush's visit to Baghdad was just a photo-op? Well, he's just a cynical extremist whose opinion is certainly not shared by anyone else.

Vested Voting

Here's an interesting joke of an idea from Ted Rall, a lefty cartoonist. Of course, voting at all is always a losing proposition. But what if...?

Fly Me to the Moon

Oh boy, Lyndon Baines Bush's current massive increases in federal spending just haven't been enough. Costly foreign adventures, tax increases, gi-normous new welfare benefits -- he and those fiscally conservative Republicrats in Congress can't spend our paychecks fast enough. Now Franklin Delano Bush wants to throw gobs more money at his latest noble desire: to put men back on the moon.

Yep, that's right, Boy George is feeling all spacey. What's this all about? Does he fondly remember playing with toy rockets as a lad? Possibly. But then there's this clue in the Fox News story:

Bush's call for a return to space would give Americans something new to hope for - amid a period of permanent anxiety about terrorism.

Ah, so that's it. "Hey, look up in the sky, everybody! Something bright and shiny! Pay no heed to all the wasted blood and treasure in the Middle East and the creation of a garrison state at home! Isn't the moon pretty?"

How much will it cost to invade the moon? Who knows? But it's more proof that government spending under the Bush administration has truly become, er, astronomical.

More Stuff I Hate

Is it just me, or does "Old Navy" not only have the gayest stores and sell the crappiest clothing but also put out the stupidest commercials known to man? Just how brain damaged would you need to be to shop at this mercantile abomination?

I hate rap. Hate it. HATE HATE HATE HATE it.

I just needed to say that. Put on the boob tube for five minutes and some horrible rap shit will be shoved in your face. Usually it's a commercial, like those rancid new McDonald's ones, but it might also be the theme song of a show or part of scene in a movie or whatever.

Ok, call me an evil racist, but what happened to real music? Why is this tripe so prevalent? A friend of mine blames the record companies, saying that since there's only a limited amount of actual musical talent out there, it makes economic sense for them to find and hype every trash-talking no-talent hack they can find since it offers higher profit margins. That might be part of it. What's your theory? And will this shit ever go away?

Are YOU a Racist?

Probably, you evil bastard. Check out columnist Sam Francis's take on the managerial state's latest thought control experiment, the "racism test."

Another, Even Better Reunion

Elvis Hitler isn't the only landmark band to get back together for one rockin' evening. Check THIS out:

Goose Steppin' in Blue Suede Shoes

This is the sort of stupidity that's right up my alley.

Man, you just can't consider yourself part of the Detroit psychobilly scene if you miss the Elvis Hitler reunion at the Magic Stick Nov. 21.

What to Get the Man Who Has Everything

Speaking of crap, this gift just screams class.

Or maybe it screams, "This guy is a sick bastard!" It's a fine line between genius and madness, after all.

"The Matrix Reloaded" Sucks

Avoid this colossal turd at all costs. I wasn't a big fan of the enormously derivative first movie (Hello, Terminator, Dark City, Neuromancer, etc., etc.) like apparently three-quarters of the U.S. population is. But you definitely must be on crack to think the misbegotten mess of a second "movie" has any merit. This thing is one of the worst bits of tripe I've watched in a while, and just for reference's sake, I watched "Legion of the Dead" a few weeks ago. (Yes, it sucked too.)

Interestingly, the average score on IMDb for this festering dung heap is (as of this writing) a 7.3 out of 10. Now who's living in The Matrix? Egads.

Rockwell Agrees: Impeach Bush

As usual, Lew Rockwell says it better than I ever could. Mind you, I don't think impeachment would do any good whatsoever. It's more a matter of hating the idea that someone putatively in charge could make such a bloody hash of everything he touches without some form of official punishment or disapproval.

I'm Glad Mom Doesn't Know How to Use a Computer

Oh no! Mom Finds Out About Blog, reports this week's Onion.

Of course, even if my mom did know how to surf the Internet, she wouldn't find out a whole lot about me from this sorry excuse for a blog. I wonder if that means there isn't a whole lot to me?

Toasted Archives

Hmmm, so I changed the frequency of the "archive" feature so that the righthand column wouldn't get cluttered up with weekly links to archives of nothing. Unfortunately, doing this seems to have obliterated my archives. I dunno why. I guess if I cared enough I'd see if switching it back to weekly made all my past rants reappear. But I don't care enough, at least not at this moment in time.

Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet

All two of my regular readers probably know I enjoy good zombie flicks (though there are probably only about three of them out there, all made by George Romero). Well, good news for fellow zombie movie lovers! It seems the rumors are true. While surfing the Internet, I happened to discover there will be another wonderful zombie movie, at least eventually. It's in the early stages of production now, and there's no timeframe for when it might be released. But it's definitely being worked on. That's right, I'm talking about...

"Die, You Zombie Bastards!"

This charming web site describes the silly plot of this "SERIAL-KILLER SUPERHERO ROCK'N'ROLL ZOMBIE ROAD MOVIE ROMANCE," capping off the scary story by telling us that at the end:

... ALL of [Evil Bad Guy Baron] Nefarious' previous experiments in forming an unstoppable army are freed from their vaults deep beneath the earth-- angry Dog Men!! Robots!! Ninjas!! Radioactive fallout hatches an alien race of gigantic, bloodthirsty Intergalactic Mosquito Warlords!!!!

Can't wait to see this at my local Star Theatre!

Oh yeah, and Romero is said to be working on a fourth "Dead" movie, tentatively titled "Dusk of the Dead." (Which is the real good news, in case your sarcasm detector is malfunctioning.)

The Greatest Hits of the '20s and '30s

Check out the greatest hits of the '20s and '30s on Absinthe Radio. Why "Absinthe Radio"? Beats me, since absinthe had been banned quite a while before most of this music was written and recorded. But still, it's good stuff. And so is the music.

Impeach Bush

I was (and still am) of the opinion that Bill Clinton was a total asshole of a president who deserved to be impeached (and convicted). Now in the spirit of bipartisanship, I extend my desire for impeachment (and conviction) to the current occupant of the Oval Office, George W. Bush, whose clueless incompetence has made the world as unsafe a place to live as it's been in a long time.

Item 1: His administration is composed of "neoconservatives," or, as Paul Craig Roberts more accurately describes them, neo-Jacobins, "a gang of radicals who stand outside of, and opposed to, the American tradition" of peace and liberty.

Item 2: These neo-Jacobins have been spewing lies left and right to justify their rabid fealty to the interests of a foreign government at the expense of American safety, not to mention sanity.

Item 3: These neo-Jacobins and their useful idiots are importing the fruits of their alien, totalitarian ideology into the domestic realm of American politics.

Now, as a believing Christian, albeit a spottily practicing one, I can't and don't wish for the death of anyone, even someone as loathsome as Paul Wolfowitz. But if Wolfie is going to so forcefully thumb his nose at the humiliated Iraqi people, he can't exactly expect to grow old and die peacefully.

Anyway, Bush is too dense to control these maniacs who are doing their utmost to start World War III, so the only solution I see is to kick him out of office. Now, of course I know this isn't going to happen, but I'm not talking about what's going to happen, but what should happen. I also know Cheney would assume the reins in the event of Bush being removed from office, and he is arguably worse. But it's another year until the next election, and given the destructiveness of this administration, you gotta start somewhere.

Blah Blah Blah

It's been a while since I posted anything, so here.

Daddy Dumbass

Has anyone else noticed that in almost any commercial for any product that features a family or couple, the husband/father/boyfriend is always an incompetent moron who doesn't know as much as the smart wife/girlfriend/kids?

And if so, does it annoy you as much as it's begun to annoy me?

I mean, let's be realistic. Okay, I know commercials are by definition not realistic, since they're just bullshit designed to sell things. But what is the point of always showing men as idiots who are incapable of wiping their own butts without a woman around? Does that really describe the overwhelming majority of American households? And if so, gosh, how did all these flaming dolts even survive bachelorhood?

Well, I suppose it's just because it's politically incorrect to portray anyone else but a straight (and usually white) male in a potentially negative light. Just imagine a commercial where a wife is shown, say, backing the family car into a tree, with the husband rolling his eyes as he talks to his chuckling Friendly Insurance Agent(tm) the next day. Or, well, just any commercial that makes a woman appear as stupid as damn near every commercial makes men appear.

Can't really imagine it, can you? Me neither.

Don't Miss Out (You Jerk)

The "Bloglet" subscription thing (at right under "Go Cup") is working again, so anyone actually bored or dorky enough to want my pointless jabber to show up in his email should step right up!

Highly Qualified

So California's next governor Arnold Schwarzenegger participated in orgies and gangbangs and smoked pot in his younger days and apparently groped chicks on movie sets as recently as 2000?

This upsets some people, who seem to think Arnold's unseemly behavior somehow disqualifies him from holding office. On the contrary, I think being a boorish lout makes one uniquely qualified for the job of screwing taxpayers, property owners, consumers, and others out of their money and freedom. Of course, most people -- probably including Arnold -- don't view "public service" in terms quite so stark. But that's really all it comes down to in the end.

Oh well, at least Arnold admits bodybuilders' penises are the same size as everyone else's. That's a relief.

(Thanks to Verd for the link -- again.)

California Governor Gets Terminated

And so, apparently, do hopes for a T4.

"There will be no time for movies or anything else. I am very serious about this job," [Ah-nalt] said.

Dammit, Arnold, where are your priorities?

This "Sexist" Minute Brought to You by... Beer

"Males were more likely than females to abandon blogs, with 46.4% of abandoned blogs created by males, as compared to 40.7% of active blogs being created by males."

OF COURSE fewer chicks abandon their blogs... chicks are always looking for new outlets in which to never stop yapping about nothing.

Thanks to Verd for the link.

Cedar Point

Just look at these dorks.

Dr. Cheese at the Movies

As further evidence of my boredom, I've registered with IMDb (that's the Internet Movie Database, see links at right) as "Doctor_Cheese" to post reviews of crappy movies I wouldn't ordinarily want anyone to know I watched (like, say, Bats). I guess I'll register a non-Joe Bob Briggs identity to review "real" movies, too. But only if I continue to be bored.

Call Me Phoenix

Okay, as a result of being extremely bored today I'm going to end my blog hiatus and start making stupid posts again, if for no other reason than to put Greg's lame new blog to shame.

So I'm watching some low-budget overdubbed crapola foreign movie given the title Zombie Flesh Eater. It's now been on for almost an hour, and there's been barely any zombies and definitely no flesh eating. And the zombies are really more like skeletons in cloaks anyway. This is what I get for buying one of those four-movies-on-two-DVDs-for-$10 sets I guess. I don't suppose Zombie Hell House will be any better.

He's Done It Again

Joe Sobran has a knack for distilling seemingly complex subjects and issues down into the simple essentials. For anyone wondering why, in George Wallace's phrase, there isn't a dime's worth of difference between Democrats and Republicans, this excellent column helps explain it.

And We Thought Geoffrey Fieger Was Bad...

At least Michigan can say that Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman, and Larry Flynt never ran for governor of the state.

My vote, if I were a Californian? Gallagher, of course. But voters would have to be sure to cover themselves in ponchos so they don't get bits of watermelon splattered on them.

Dammit

Star Trek is a rerun tonight. Oh wait, I guess it's a rerun every night. But I've seen this episode fairly recently. Dammit.

Of Course There's a Lawsuit

An update on the travails of the Stars Wars Kid: his parents are suing. (Thanks again to Todd for the link.)

Modern "Art"

This interesting story provides the latest evidence that modern art is often indistinguishable from crap. Jackson Pollock is the artistic equivalent of a monkey at a typewriter, so it's no wonder this old lady negotiated the price down from $8. I guess the real question is, who's gonna pay $25 million for it? Still, I guess it goes to show shopping at thrift stores can be kinda like playing the lottery. (Thanks to Todd for the link.)

And I Thought I Was Dorky

A new Internet phenomenon: the Star Wars Kid.

What? Federal Lies?

Funny animation about the Bush administration lying the United States into the ugly invasion of Iraq.

Watch What You Read!

You might get a visit from the FBI (link sent by Greg).

Next Stop: Syria?

Uh oh, now Syria is loaded with WMD, just like Iraq was. But wait, CIA officials are throwing a monkey wrench into the newest neocon hate campaign. What's a lying warmonger to do?

Quote of the Week

Lew Rockwell, writing about the government Head Start program, puts his finger on a key problem with modern thought processes:

What in the world would happen if the Head Start program were abolished? That we should even be asked to explain such a thing highlights the dangers of these government programs. Once they are in place, people somehow can't imagine a world without them. If the federal government had a program to supply watches to everyone, those who said that watches should be supplied on the free market would be regarded as cruel and reckless, exhibiting an unwarranted faith in the power of the free market.

Movie Roundup

Ok, I have watched more movies since the last time I updated this thing. Nothing particularly memorable, of course, but that's pretty much always the case.

I mentioned the new James Bond movie, Die Another Day, a while back. Yep, it sucked.

Ringu, the original, Japanese version of the recent American film The Ring, didn't do a whole lot for me. I think that it had less to do with whether or not it was an interesting, well-made film and more to do with my inability to take anything Japanese seriously. ("Sadako" is coming to get you, ooooh!) I thought The Ring, though somewhat opaque, was the most original horror movie to come out of Hollywood in many years. It explains a lot that it didn't actually come out of Hollywood.

I also got around to seeing Gangs of New York. I can't find a real fault with this movie, technically speaking, although I still think Leo DiCaprio is a punk. Daniel Day Lewis turned in his usual brilliant performance as the heavy. The narrative of the movie interested me less than the real historical story. Things like, was it really that rough and violent? Did characters like this really exist and fight each other over the same things? Etc. Special kudos to Martin Scorsese and the script writers for avoiding politically correct cliches about the Civil War.

Rational Ignorance

After only about 9 months, I finally posted a new Internet column, "The Joy of Being a Rational Ignoramus," on my other neglected web site, thought-crimes.net. Hopefully it will appear soon on Lewrockwell.com as well. (People read that site, probably because it actually gets updated.)

Neo-conned!

Here is a great speech given by Rep. Ron Paul in the House of Representatives on "real" conservatism vs. the neocon variety that lied us into war with Iraq and is busy expanding the domestic police state to "protect" us from the enemies they are making for us abroad.