State of the... America

Because I'll be lighting up the lanes tonight with my bowling prowess, I was worried about missing President Bush's State of the Union speech. Luckily, it turns out it's been pre-recorded this year instead of being a live broadcast. You can watch it here. Don't forget Poland.

A Field Guide to Beer Tastings, Part V

Here's another one from Matt.

The Man Who Knew Too Much

Description: He's the James Bond of beer knowledge. His game is beer. Fine beer. You can picture him sitting across the craps table from his nemesis in Monaco, being offered a glass of Special Reserve, and saying, "This is excellent, Hop Devil, but don't you think it would have benefited
from 15 more minutes in the boil and a half ounce more Hallertau in secondary?" Do not cross him, for he feels licensed to thrill you with his acumen. If he says there are only seven Trappist breweries in the world and that the beer you are tasting, while indeed Belgian, is not technically Trappist, just nod politely and back away. Otherwise, he will proceed to list the name, location, and date of origin for each of said breweries before the girl at your side slips her arm in his and they head back to his place to determine whether her body has the appropriate mouthfeel. Or she just whispers in your ear that this is exactly why she didn't want to come to a beer tasting in the first place.

Typical comment: "Methinks I detect the slight presence of a Prunus necrotic ring-spot infection."

Previous entries: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV.

Spam Lit: Wave of the Future

Other folks are starting to notice the potential in making spam poems. Mark Dery sez:

And speaking of Dadaists, if Marcel Duchamp had lived to read spam, the man who nonchalantly proclaimed snowshovels and hatracks "found" sculptures would surely have edited a Library of America anthology of spam, the signature genre of our times (not to mention our only truly new literary form, one written increasingly by machines).

Precisely.

Yuppie Invasion

The Ann Arbor News reports on the increasing "density" downtown, which mostly means big towers of overpriced yuppie apartments. The stupid "Kingsley Lane" one will be right by my place and, call me a NIMBY if you want, but I'm not keen on the fact that they plan to build 54 apartments with only 27 parking spots. I don't have an off-street place to park, so I don't relish coming home from work and having to park around the block with my groceries because there are a bunch of BMWs and Mercedes(es) in front of my house.

Absinthe Night

It's been a while since I've hosted an absinthe tasting; in fact, the last time I did it, I had to get bootlegged stuff from the notorious Swiss Val-de-Travers region. But last year, Switzerland re-legalized absinthe after its nearly century-long ban, so tonight's product is the now-legal cousin of the old La Bleue stuff I liked so well. Unfortunately, it is still quite expensive to acquire, but when your tastes are as refined and sophisticated as mine, well, you know. Let's just say I totally relate to where James Bond was coming from, man.

Light the candles, turn on the tiki fountain, cue the mood music, and bust out the sugar cubes. Should be a pretty fun time; especially if this particular brand is as good as I'm hoping it is...

A Field Guide to Beer Tastings, Part IV

The "Expert"

Description: If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, then this guy is lethal. Projecting an air of confidence and a louder-than-average voice -- whose volume only increases in direct proportion to his alcoholic intake -- the "Expert" issues his pronouncements on beer as if he were handing down stone tablets from Mt. Sinai. The problem is that, somewhere around the time of his, well, first pronouncement, it's clear he has no idea what he is talking about and, worse, that he has no idea he has no idea. Somehow he's picked up a few tasters' terms -- such as phenolic, estery, tart, malty -- which just coincidentally seem to apply to every beer he tries, tempting you to say, in your best Inigo Montoya voice, "You keep using that word. I donna think it means what you think it means."

Typical comment: "This tastes a bit phenolic, but its estery maltiness suggests a seriously high IBU count."

Previous entries: Part I, Part II, Part III.

The Obligatory Post About Resolutions, Part II

Right. The second half of the resolution thing, wherein, after admitting one failed at last year’s resolutions, one vows to do better with a new (or modified) slate of them.

I think what I will do this time around is, instead of thinking in terms of semi-abstract resolutions, I’ll set some concrete goals. It’s easy to fail without any clear, specific goal in mind. If I say I’m going to “do more stuff,” then what does that mean? Am I going to learn to juggle, direct a porn film, start an ant farm, or what?

Anyway, without further ado, here are some of my goals for 2006, the goals that will transform me from Boring Old Dave into New, Better, Smarter, Studlier Dave, or something.

The 2006 Lineup

1. Read more.

Yes, this one is back. It’s obvious -- I have so many books and I accumulate more almost every day. It’s time to read some of them. But which ones? This time, I’m going to make a list of books and make my way through it. That should work.

2. Write more.

Another one from last year. But what’s the real goal here? Well, I’m going to finally finish the first draft of my novel. It’s time to get that done. Even more, I’d like to kick out a short story each month. Not good ones, obviously, but drafts of those random ideas I’m always getting but never developing into anything. And yeah, it would be great to do more blogging, too. Lucky you, whoever is reading this.

3. Do more stuff.

This is starting to look really familiar, yes? For this one, I think I’ll make a list of things I’ve wanted to do locally but haven’t gotten around to, such as join a writers group or see a movie at the Michigan Theatre or catch more jazz shows at the Firefly. Even if I have to do this stuff alone.

4. Lose weight.

Seriously. Cliché or not.

5. Be weirder.

This one is definitely abstract, so how best to concretize it? I’m not sure. What I mean by it is that I’d like to indulge my creative side a little more, and not worry so much about what other people think of me. Other people probably mostly already think I’m an idiot or a jerk anyway, so it doesn’t make sense for me to exert energy worrying about it. Being weirder involves exploring and expanding tastes, whether it be in books, movies, music, people, food, cocktails, or what-have-you. 2006 is a year to push boundaries of imagination and taste. Why not?

That’s it. These should be doable goals, if I just stay consistently focused on them. Anyone else got any cool plans for the year?

Cool Beer News

I didn't know there was such a thing, but apparently the "World Series of Beer Pong" was recently held in Las Vegas. And guess what? Two UMich grads took home the title. Now that's a cause for some hometown pride. Represent!

Extra Stupid Beer News

This story, from the subdepartment of "Legislators with Waaayyy Too Much Time on Their Hands," is impossible to satirize since it satirizes itself. Seems this genius wants to force all stores in Missouri to sell only warm beer, which will -- quite logically if by "logically" you mean "what the hell are you talking about?" -- cut down on incidents of drunk driving.

"The only reason why beer would need to be cold is so that it can be consumed right away," [state Sen. Bill] Alter, who has been a police offer for more than 20 years, said Thursday.

No kidding, Professor Brainiac.

Am I the only one a little disturbed by the fact that a) someone this dumb was allowed to carry around and use a lethal weapon for two decades and b) that politicians are canvassing elementary schools -- say it with me, elementary schools -- for ideas on what legislation to pass?

Why, oh, why does anyone still respect politicians and their rotten governments at all anymore?

Take the Skinheads Bowling

At league night last night, I matched last week's pathetic performance almost exactly with my pathetic performance this week: 96, 96, and 88. I was really hoping for an 89 on that third game, because then I would have improved by one pin on all three games! But alas, it was not to be. Anyway, if I improve by one pin every week, by the time the league ends, I'll be up around a stratospheric 110. I rule.

Writings

My review of Dave Barry's new book is up on LewRockwell.com.

Also, although it still needs a lot of work, I published my short story "The Lost Art of Window Shopping" on Gather.com so that it can lose another fiction contest. Hooray!

A Field Guide to Beer Tastings, Part III

The Buzzard

Description: The Buzzard is usually of student age, may be male or female, may or may not belong to a fraternity or sorority, and may or may not have a father who is the president or the head of the CIA or something like that. He is there for one reason and one reason only: to drink as much beer as is humanly possible during the course of the tasting for -- shock! -- the purpose of getting completely wasted. It is pointless to ask the Buzzard whether he likes IPAs or stouts or what he thinks of any given beverage, as his preference runs to "alcohol." As a result, the higher your beer's ABV, the more times you will be refilling the Buzzard's constantly empty glass.

Typical comment: "Can you fill it to the top?"

Blogger Blues

I've been having trouble logging into Blogger since Saturday, and I'm not quite sure how I just managed to do it now, but if it happens I don't post again for a while, that's why.

In the meantime, enjoy another pointless comic: Dave and Sam and Max 3.

A Field Guide to Beer Tastings, Part II

This one was contributed by Matt, a fellow beer pourer.

Fish Out of Water

Description: You look at him and think, "I can't believe that guy bought a ticket to a beer tasting." He's thinking the exact same thing. If he's not draining a glass of fine, quality beer (into the spit bucket), then he's grimacing, smacking his lips, or regarding his glass with the hurt, quizzical expression normally reserved for when a woman slaps him in the face. He might be one of those wine-and-cheese types, with a tennis sweater draped over his shoulders and a bumper sticker on his Volvo that reads, "I'd rather be attending a debutante ball." Or he might be a sad, lost jock, silently bemoaning the 25 big ones he could have spent on Jager shots as he turns to you in his Doug Flutie jersey with the faded ranch-dressing stain and asks, "Can I have some beer?"

Typical comment: "That is definitely not for me."

Free Movies and Stuff

This is mostly for folks local to Ann Arbor, but you can see a movie for free at the Michigan Theatre every Tuesday until February 28 just by showing a Borders Rewards card. How do you get one of those? Go to an area Borders store and ask for one at the register. It doesn't cost anything, but you will be asked for an email address.

For those not local to Ann Arbor, here are the inevitable quick-expiring coupons: 25% off a book, 25% off a CD.

A Field Guide to Beer Tastings, Part I

As both my readers know, I regularly volunteer to pour at Arbor Brewing's monthly beer tastings. Over the past year, I've seen not only a lot of the same specific individuals each month, but I've also noticed distinct patterns or categories that many tasters fall into. For a while now I thought a field guide to the various types you meet at a beer tasting would be a good idea. Since I doubt I'll ever actually sit down and write a field guide, I figured my blog was the next best thing. So here goes the first entry in a potentially ongoing series.

The Pointer

Description: The Pointer is a man (and it's almost always a man) of few words. He knows which beer he wants to try and he's not afraid to not ask for it. The typical encounter involves the Pointer suddenly materializing in front of the table and forcefully extending a finger toward his beer of choice. He exudes a portentous silence reminiscent of the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come refusing to speak to Scrooge about the name on the tombstone. Upon receiving his beer, he just as mysteriously melts back into the crowd.

Typical comment: "..."

The Obligatory Post About Resolutions, Part I

I've been putting this post off mainly because I've been putting the whole resolutions thing off too. It's been easy to let January -- my least favorite month -- go by while I lazily continue in the same winter-blah pattern. But if I'm going to pretend to take the resolutions thing seriously, at least for a while, then I had better get started.

First, though, it's a good idea to look back on last year's resolutions to see how miserably I failed at keeping them.

The 2005 Scorecard

1. Write more.

I guess "more" is a relative term. I didn't write more than I did in 2004, but I did add about 6500 words to my crappy novel and finished one short story. Well, finished the first draft. It still needs work. Anyway, I'm sure I had something more substantial in mind when I made this resolution. So, yeah, failed.

2. Read more.

Again, I wonder, "more than what?" But while I certainly accumulated more books, I haven't exactly blazed through them. Failed.

3. Do more stuff.

I think I managed this, but maybe not to the extent I hoped. I've made more friends and have more of a social life than I've had in many years, but I'd still like to do more. So, a qualified success here.

Next up, the unveiling of the sacred 2006 resolutions, which, some say, may resemble the 2005 ones.

The Disunited States of America

A group called the Second Vermont Republic wants Vermont to secede from the union. It seems Bush's imperial adventures are helping the movement gain momentum. I like the idea. How about an independent Michigan? Our motto: "We've got all the water." Plus, we could declare war on Ohio.

It's a League Game, Smokey

So tonight is the first night of the bowling league I signed up for. Seeing as how the recent 150 I bowled was among my best games ever, I can only say I'm grateful for the handicap rule. My handicap will probably be around 100. Well, anyway, there's beer and stuff. So that's something.



Update: I broke out my mad bowling skillz and posted three monster performances of 95, 95, and 88! So, uh, yeah, my handicap will probably be in the 100ish range. Nobody fucks with de Jesus!

It's Carnival Time!

No, not the kind of carnival that features cotton candy, crappy stuffed animals, and clunky, scary-looking rides erected by unshaven, hungover dudes with tattoos. It's the carnival that began the evening of January 5 (AKA Twelfth Night) -- the time we Catholics (and others) say "farewell to the flesh" in preparation for the much more austere season of Lent. What this means in practice is plenty of eating, drinking, and being merry, culminating in the raucous chaos of Mardi Gras.

Speaking of Mardi Gras, my friend Alan, who has been threatening to move back to New Orleans, went and did just that. His revamped blog will be a good one to watch for a front-line view of the city as it tries to get back on its feet. Which reminds me of this article that says everything we think we knew about the Katrina disaster has been effectively debunked. Knowing what I do about the way the media works, I can't say as I'm that surprised. Makes me think of that old joke about the Washington Post headline announcing the impending destruction of Earth: "World Ends Tomorrow: Women, Minorities Hardest Hit."

So, anyway, I was tentatively planning a Mardi Gras party for the Saturday before Fat Tuesday (February 25), but there's a big beer event that coincides, and many of my friends will probably be doing that instead. Would it be too gauche to have the party the week before, February 18? Who's available then?

Renovations

I'm screwing around with some new (to me) blog-dork stuff, including Audioscrobbler and LibraryThing, so if stuff looks stupid or intermittently disappears/reappears, it's because I haven't gotten everything looking the way I want it yet and/or don't know how. Plus there's the usual unreliability of FeedSweep, but we're used to that by now, right?

Get Your Tickets Now

Today is the opening of "BloodRayne," the latest videogame-to-movie offering from German "director" Uwe Boll ("House of the Dead," "Alone in the Dark"). Be sure to run out and see it now, as I expect it won't be in theatres very long. Some would say, another Boll classic destined for the IMDB "Bottom 100." Oh wait, some are already saying it (#42, baby! ). I'll be keeping an eye on Rotten Tomatoes. Meat Loaf and Ben "Sir Gandhi" Kingsley? This is sure to generate some interesting reviews.

Anyway, while you're waiting for the crowds to thin out so you can get your tickets, why not brush up on your Chuck Norris facts?

Plus, of course, here's another stupid comic.

More Dumb Web Comics

Man, that stupid Strip Generator is addictive. Here's what I did today instead of working:

• Romance
  
• Kicking It Down a Notch
  
• Invasion
  
• Miscommunication

Yeah, I'm a sick bastard.

Ha! Ha! I'm Using the Internet!

The second installment of the rejuvenated Sam & Max comic is up.

And as a bonus, here's the second installment of Dave and Sam and Max. (Yes, I was bored at work today.)

Look Out, Garfield

Use the Strip Generator to make your own lame web comic.

Here's mine: Dave and Sam and Max.

(Thanks to Mgoblog for the idea and link.)

DRM = Defective Retail Merchandise

Apparently, if you buy Coldplay's overrated yodeling in India, the disc comes with ludicrous restrictions, helpfully explained on an insert: "In order for you to enjoy high quality music, we have added this special technology" that could potentially render the disc unusable in just about any playback device.

That's special technology, all right. I bet the folks who developed it ride the short bus to work.

Update: It seems all copies of the CD are defective. And to judge from the reviews on Amazon, people aren't too enthused about this record label's wonderful new marketing strategy, either. I wonder what the band thinks? Only a dimwit would pay money for their music now. On the other hand, if you like Coldplay to begin with...

Stupid Beer New Year's

Two items for the first Stupid Beer News of 2006:

Not on his watch. A gas station clerk shoots and kills a guy trying to steal two 20 packs of beer. Is Miller really worth dying for? Bell's Two Hearted or some Dogfish Head, maybe, but Miller freakin' Lite?

You are now free to get the hell off the plane. A guy on an airplane is such a belligerent, drunken asshole the pilot actually makes an unscheduled stop to dump him off on an island in the Atlantic. Okay, so this story doesn't mention beer, but the guy could've had some before he boarded the plane, right?

SWTM ISO Human Punching Bag

As promised/threatened, I updated my Match.com profile to reflect the new and improved 2006 version of me: White Trash Dave. Everyone probably knows at least one otherwise normal, intelligent, attractive woman who can't seem able to resist men who are total loser psychos. So send the one you know my way and maybe my love life will blossom this year.

About me and what I'm looking for

I'm not too picky. I need a woman around to do my laundry, cook my meals, clean up my messes, and not give me any lip about it. I don't like women who think they wear the pants around here. That don't fly with me. Anyway, if she has a lot of money too, that's cool, but not vital. I have ways of getting cash when I want to, but she better not expect me to throw it away buying her stupid crap all the time. I won't get too hung up on looks, but I'd prefer a woman who is at least somewhat pretty. I gotta say I don't like chicks who just let themselves go, you know? So no fatties. I don't care if you like NASCAR or share in my other interests. I mostly prefer hanging out with the boys anyway. Just have something ready for me to eat when I get home or there will be hell to pay. Oh yeah, and don't hassle me if I forget to come home. But keep money for bail handy just in case.