Avoid Petting Zoos

Do you suffer from Childhood Goat Trauma? (Thanks to Ape Man for the link.)

Resolutions

Always a hard topic. But here is an honest reckoning:

I'm 33 years old and I moved to Ann Arbor this year for a reason. With my pathetic loser track record, it surely wasn't to meet hot young chicks. So there's obviously more to my decision than that. What was it?

Let's start with the obvious reality. Because this is really what I wanted 10 years ago, the great move of 2004 has lost some of its lustre. Time doesn't stand still, and most of my college friends have gone and matured on me, acquiring girlfriends, wives, even children. The nerve. So I'm every bit on my own as I was in my years of exile in Midland.

Of course, it's not my friends' fault that they've grown while I've remained in a state of collegiate adolescence. It might even be said that I'm a sort of Peter Pan, refusing to grow up while reality sets in among those whom I would bid remain with me in childish wonder. I'm always at least 10 years behind any trend that even remotely smacks of culture, and maturity is no exception.

In any case, I have some related New Year's resolutions, so here goes:

1. This city, here, now, Ann Arbor, is where I will think my Great Thoughts and write my Great Words.

I've been a profound writer in my head for many years, but until now I've had many excuses (some of them good, like the fact that I can't think or write Great Things) for not putting anything down on paper (or the word processor equivalent). No more. I will feign literacy even if it makes me sound like a total ass. Because I will be a total ass anyway when I lie on my death bed, firmly aware that I never tried to say anything.

2. I will read more.

I own way more books than can fit in my current closet of an apartment. To be honest, I own way more books than could fit in my last apartment, which was fairly sizable. I like owning lots of books. But I haven't read most of them. I want to read more. So it's time I do.

3. I will stop playing it safe.

I am very fond of my solitude -- the many nights I sit at home with nothing particular to do, except that which I choose. And yet, at the same time, I am desperately sick of the fact that I seldom seem to be part of the human race. I have many antisocial tendencies, but people still fascinate me. So I will make more of an effort to insinuate myself into the life of my community.

I'm sure there are more resolutions, but the plain fact is I am drunk and tired. I'll add on later as necessary. Happy New Year and stuff, in case I don't post again (which is very likely).

Real Stupid Beer News

One Stupid Beer News story has been recovered (thanks, Verd).

"I'm really surprised there's any beer left," Marion County sheriff's Detective Christa Moncrief said. "I figured it would have been gone within the first week, but maybe not a lot of people knew it was here."

Or maybe they knew it was there, but also knew it was Miller Lite.

The Collected Dr. Cheese

Want to watch a movie but not sure what to rent? Wondering what are the best "date" movies? Let Dr. Cheese help you pick out a classic. And just to be safe, I think I'll make this a permanent link over to the right. Yeah!

Stupid Beer News

Dammit, Beavis. I think I lost all the SBN links Verd sent me and I was saving for a mega-update. So let me try to wing it. Uh, a whole bunch of stupid stuff happened, and it involved beer. (Hmmm... sounds like every weekend around here.)

I Snort the Nose, Lucifer

See what your favorite celebrities are saying in Reverse Speech™!

Poetry for Empire Builders

This sonnet of Shelley's has always been a personal favorite:

I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read,
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed,
And on the pedestal these words appear:
'My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away."

Zombie Claus Is Coming to Town

"Shaun of the Dead" is out on DVD on Tuesday. In the meantime, you can play "Don't Mess with My Pint!"

Say No to Grandpa Joe

Did you ever think that Grandpa Joe from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" (AKA "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory") was a ratbag industrial spy bastard? Well, you're not alone: Say No to Grandpa Joe finally exposes this supposedly lovable old man as the selfish, ill-mannered, misogynistic pervert he really is.

You're Just Jeluz

Old time lamers will remember the awesome game "Telengard" from Commodore 64 days. And, I bet, wishing they could still play it. Well, what do you know, you can still play it, thanks to this guy's re-creation of the original 3l33t ware. So go snarf it now!

It's a Psychobilly Freakout

The Reverend predictably rocked the house last night. I was first in line at the door, and some dude who was also attending by himself was second. When we got inside, I proposed to him that we hang out together so that if one of us needed to get a beer or go to the john we wouldn't lose our primo spot near the stage. It worked out well; this dude -- his name was Andy -- and I put away two pitchers and several bottles of beerge while rocking out to the full-custom gospel sounds.

Of course the Rev has many songs I've never heard, and he played a fair number of them. And while they didn't do my favorite, "Liquor, Beer, and Wine," there were many quality psychobilly hits, including:

• I Can't Surf
  
• Wiggle Stick
  
• Loco Gringos Like a Party
  
• Psychobilly Freakout
  
• Spend a Night in the Box
  
• It's Martini Time

As much as the Rev rocked, the highlight of my evening was when some chick, trying to get past me, reached down and grabbed my wangdoodle. I don't know if it was accidental or intentional, but either way, it was pretty weird.

Obligatory Anti-War/Bush Administration Post

Hey, soldier... stop whining!

And speaking of soldiers, my nephew Eric graduates from phase I of his Marine training this weekend. His bad uncle failed to write to him lo these past few months. Of course, I had a friend stationed in Guantanamo for nearly a year and I failed to write or even email him, too. So any of my relatives reading this can at least rest assured that I treat my friends just as poorly as I treat them.

On the bright side, though, I just mailed a bunch of Christmas cards out, so there's that. If you don't get one, it's because I don't have your address and/or I ran out of stamps/patience.

Dodgeball (the Movie) Sucks

I rented Dodgeball the other night because I thought it looked pretty funny -- Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn, come on -- but unfortunately it was missing that essential ingredient in comedy movies: humor. In that way, it follows in the feeble tradition of recent alleged comedies like Old School. Sorry, can't recommend this one.

The Bicycle Thief

Some bastard stole my $350 bike from out of my building last Friday. I'm not very happy about this, but on the other hand I'm not too sure what I can do about it either. I don't think my renters insurance will be too helpful with my deductible, and you know the cops will never be able to find it even if I could give a really good description (and I can't, really).

Then there's just the creepy idea that some anonymous scumbag came into my building from off the street in the first place. Ewww.

The Rev at the Pig

The Reverend Horton Heat is playing the Blind Pig tomorrow night (Thursday), but of course I don't know anyone cool enough to go with me. Jerks. Well, since it's only three blocks from my apartment, I reckon I'll go myself anyway -- if the show hasn't/doesn't sold/sell out.

Old Lamy

Speaking of commercials, my favorite piss-poor excuse for a clothing store has yet another retarded TV spot airing, selling dorky trash and actually claiming "leg warmers are back." Uh, yeah, they're back if you took a shovel to the head in 1982 and haven't been "quite right" since then.

I must say though, this commercial answers the mystery of why I saw so many college girls looking stupid in giant winter boots in early November, well before there was any danger of actually needing them.

Ugh, I hate this fucking chain of dumb-ass stores.

Drugs for the Workplace

I just saw this wonderful commercial for Strattera, a drug that's supposed to help control "Adult ADD." In the commercial, you hear the voice of some corporate tool droning on about quality or something while a woman in business attire struggles to pay attention. Well, I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that this woman has no disease, since boredom and daydreaming are, or should be, the normal response to being forced to listen to corporate tools droning. But who knows, maybe corporate America can start doping up employees the way the government schools already dope up kids. Remember: being bored by boring people is a medical condition that needs treatment! Now, where'd I put my soma?

Zombie: The Musical

Sometime between watching "Hair" and "Resident Evil" this weekend, it occured to me that the world is ready for a musical featuring zombies. Of course, someone probably already beat me to it, but if not, maybe I should get started on the script.

Zombie Update

Check out All Things Zombie.

And I'm so damn jealous of this woman.

Looks like the zombie momentum will continue into next year not only with Romero's new flick, but also this one from Australia.

Yep, zombies rule.

I "Won"

Well, I wound up with 50,027 words in the crapfest otherwise known as my novel, technically making me a "winner" of NaNoWriMo 2004. (See, my little bunny icon on the right is now holding up a book.) Although this winner status comes with at least two asterisks. The first is that I recycled several thousand words from a previous attempt at getting the book written. But I did write around 43,000 new words, and that's still pretty impressive. The other asterisk is that I didn't finish the story. I don't know how much more I'll need to write to reach "The End," but I'll just guesstimate at least another 20,000 words. I'm a few chapters behind in the old novel blog, but I'll try to get that up to date this weekend (I know everyone's clamoring for more) and keep posting on it as I write new crap (now at a slower pace). Which also means I can update this great blog again, too! Whee!