Mad Season

We're nearing the end of the Mad Season, and I'm not talking about a crappy Matchbox 20 album. I mean college football season, which has been mostly good to us Michigan fans, who now are waiting to find out what bowl the Wolverines will be in and who they will play.

So that means I'll be going back to posting about beer and getting drunk and bowling and all the other quality stuff you've come to expect from this awesome blog.

To start with, here's a Stupid Beer News link (courtesy of Verd) that goes to show it's possible to make Coors even worse by burying it in the sand for 50 years.

Fuck

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck hate Ohio State fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Next year? Next. Fucking. Year.

Columbus Delenda Est VI: Final Edition

It's The Day of The Game, and all hyperbole and Important Caps end here. It's where every prediction, analysis, prognostication, expectation, and wishful thought meets the turf.

Almost no talking head is picking Michigan to win.

I think they don't know Michigan.

Let's introduce them.

This final installment of Ohio State Hate Week is going to be brief because there's tailgating needs doing.

I think nothing sums up the difference between Michigan and Ohio State better than this video of a Buckeye fan being arrested while a Wolverine documents it.



Every Day Should Be Saturday has their "Factor Six" preview of The Game up. They pick Ohio State. Ha.

Everyone's favorite Buckeye rappers have a swell new video:



Idiots.

And finally, a fitting end to OSU Hate Week:


Captain Picard tells the Michigan Wolverines to make it so.
(Image shamelessly stolen from Maize 'n' Brew.)

The Wolverine That Roared

I have to interrupt Ohio State Hate Week to say a few words about today's sad news.

Bo Schembechler came to Michigan two years before I was born and coached his last game a few months after I began taking classes at UM (remedial algebra, but that's another story).

We all know the basics of what happened in those amazing years between 1969 and 1989: how he revived a wavering Michigan football program, how he ramped up the greatest rivalry in college football against his old mentor Woody Hayes, and how, along the way, he became the winningest football coach in what is now the winningest football program in all of college athletics. We know that, to those who knew him personally, the gruff, combative coach off the field was as generous and loyal a man as they ever knew.

And yet in all that time, I never attended one of Bo's games, and I never met the man. But that doesn't mean I don't have my own personal memories of him. (To a Michigan fan, it's all personal.) For example, I'm old enough to remember the warm early autumn Saturdays playing in the leaves while my mother worked in the yard and hearing the voice of Bob Ufer on WJR calling the Michigan games, honking his horn whenever Bo and the boys scored. I remember watching Rose Bowls with my father (who would have to watch his language when we lost another one). In fact, in those years, Michigan went to the Rose Bowl so often my childish mind didn't understand it wasn't our right to be there; Bo's teams went out and earned all those trips to Pasadena.

So I've been a Michigan fan since I measured my age in single digits. (I probably knew the words to The Victors before I knew the national anthem.) Not the type of obsessive fan who remembers every win and loss, every final score, every player from every year, or even watches every single game. Not like that. But inside, I always felt "Michigan" and, thanks to my parents, when I was of college age I got to be Michigan.

Now, with Bo gone, it's hard for me as a Catholic to try to relate God to football. The more seriously religious among us would chastise me and tell me God doesn't care about football games. The atheist would agree in his way: "If God existed, of all the things he'd care about... football?"

They'd both be right. But sometimes I'm still inclined to think cosmically. The timing of Bo's death means something. I don't know what. Maybe it means Michigan loses this Game of the Century, this Football Armageddon tomorrow, and Bo didn't want to stick around to see his already weak heart broken.

Or maybe the crafty, fiercely loyal old coach wanted to give the football team he loved and to whom he meant so much an extra motivation, an edge to push them over the hump to this most important of victories in a long and storied line of them.

That's what I'd like to think. Even if God doesn't care about Michigan football, I do.

Hail to the victors. Hail to Bo.

Columbus Delenda Est V: (Cl)ass Clowns

OK, let's talk about class.

You know, the thing that Ohio State students rarely attend and Buckeye fans completely lack.

I know I'm beating a dead horse at this point, but it can't be overemphasized how obsessive, uncouth, idiotic, and just plain lame the typical OSU goon is.

Exhibit A. The Detroit News has an article on Michigan fans living in "Ohio's version of Baghdad." Telling excerpts:

An Ohio State administrator wrote a column in the school paper Wednesday asking students not to assault Michiganians, vandalize cars, set fires or riot like they did the last time their school played in such a big game....

[Vice President of Student Affairs Rich] Hollingsworth told a reporter that, after the September fires, he was horrified to hear a student explain that that was how Ohio State students honor the team: "This is what we do."

The Columbus Dispatch writes about what it's like for "traitors" -- Columbus guys who played for Michigan then moved back to their native shithole, for God knows what reason:

"They’ll toilet paper my yard in Blacklick," [former Michigan defensive back Jeff] Reeves said with a laugh. "I know they will. That’s OK, I’m fine with it. It’s about class. Michigan fans have class. Ohio State fans have a one-track mind: football and drinking beer. Win or lose, those idiots will tear up the city."

Exhibit B. Now just take a look at this dipshit's website and go down the list. Stupid, annoying music that sounds like it came from a Commodore 64 SID player? Check. "Design" reminiscent of a 12-year-old's Geocities/Angelfire homepage from 1997? Check. Crude pictures, violence, and plenty of references to pissing on Michigan things? Check. (What is the deal with that last item anyway -- don't they have toilets in Ohio?)

I begin to wonder if a Michigan fan didn't put this site up just to make Buckeyes look retarded. But no, Buckeyes need no help in that department.

Exhibit C. A Michigan blogger explores the differences in literacy and intelligence between the two fan bases when it comes to sign creation and library smack talk. It's always nice when you can remind Bucknuts that one of their favorite traditions -- the script Ohio -- was actually started by the Michigan band. (Bucknut response: LOL!!!1 scUM IS LAYM!11)

Exhibit D. Ann Arbor is a whore. Hahaha. Get it? The kind of cleverness that could come only from East Lansing. But Bucknuts add their own particular brand of white-trash thugitude to come up with an even more hi-larious t-shirt (click on the back view). Only problem is that it's the wrong style of shirt. Now get me another beer, bitch, unless you want another black eye!

The list could go all the way to Exhibit Z, but for now I have to take a break. Or a shower. Just talking about Buckeye fans makes me feel dirty.

Columbus Delenda Est IV: De Rigeur Edition

All right, I know a lot of what follows started life as blonde jokes or someone switched school names around or whatever. But S&S has lately been getting quite a bit of traffic from Ohio folks, and I worry that my humor might be a bit too subtle or sophisticated for them.

So for the latest installment of Ohio State Hate Week, I offer up some standard chestnuts that get the point across: Academic standards at Ohio State are, um, not quite the same as they are at Michigan. Basically, I think a pulse is sufficient to get into OSU.

Anyway, these are for you, Buckeye Nation. Enjoy.

---

It's been reported that OSU coach Jim Tressel will be dressing only 20 players for the Michigan game. The rest of the players will have to dress themselves.

***

Did you hear that the Ohio State University library burned to the ground? All five books were completely destroyed. The football team in particular is really upset as they hadn't yet colored in two of the books.

***

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Columbus?
A: The one that says, "Ann Arbor: 187 miles."

Q: What does the average Ohio State University student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Q: How do you get an Ohio State grad off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What did the OSU grad say to the Michigan grad?
A: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Q: Why is ice no longer available at Ohio State football games?
A: Because the senior who knew the recipe finally graduated.

Q: What are the three longest years of an Ohio State football player's life?
A: His freshman year.

***

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the store."

"But I'm an Ohio State grad," the young man replied indignantly. "I even played football there!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom; I'd better show you how."

***

Two Ohio State football players were hootin' and hollerin' while partying on campus when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it took them only two months. "Two months?!" exclaimed the bartender. The Buckeye proudly replied, "Yeah, the box said 4-6 years!"

***

A Buckeye football player was almost killed today in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse just in time.

***

A little boy and his mother were walking through an Ohio cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read: "Here lies an Ohio State graduate and a good man." The little boy turned to his mother and asked, "Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?"

***

Coaches Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr were walking down the beach talking about the rivalry between Ohio State and Michigan. As they walked, Lloyd tripped over something in the sand. Upon closer inspection it turned out to be a genie's lamp.

The genie appeared and said he would grant each coach one wish. Tressel offered to go first: "I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Ohio so that none of those stupid Michiganders can ever get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace!"

"It is done," said the genie, clapping his hands and magically whisking Tressel off to his new paradise. Turning to Lloyd, the genie said, "Well, what is your wish?"

"Fill it up with water."

Columbus Delenda Est III: Jones vs. Tressel

We're at the midway point of Ohio State Hate Week, and S&S has had a shocking realization, courtesy of righteous Columbus resident Carol J. Shelton. Earlier this week, Ms. Shelton fired off a nastygram to the Columbus Dispatch castigating the Rev. Jim Tressel for holding a prayer meeting with his players starting his own Christian Football Cult. The vigilant Ms. Shelton fearfully describes Tressel's growing power and influence:

Jim Tressel, the putative co-president of Ohio State University as well as head football coach, is now exercising his near-sovereign powers at this government-supported institution by violating the country’s centuries-old mandate of separation of church and state...

After reading Ms. Shelton's letter, it hit me. Jim Tressel? Jim Jones? Could it be the suave football coach/aspiring religion-founder and the late cult leader/homicidal maniac have much more in common than a first name? The answer is... well, let's just say I've put together a chart that should prove extremely disquieting to Buckeye fans and anyone who values cyanide-free Kool-Aid.

Jim Jones	Jim Tressel
Head of fanatical cult of weirdoes	Head coach of team worshipped by fanatical cult of weirdoes
Investigated by authorities for financial improprieties	Investigated by authorities for financial improprieties
Father was member of disreputable organization (KKK)	Father was student at disreputable organization (OSU)
Arrested for soliciting gay sex	Well, just look at those sweatervests...
Ordered followers to commit suicide before killing self	A fellow can dream

There you have it, ladies and gentleman. Can it be much longer before Columbus is renamed Tresseltown? Ms. Shelton might want to start looking for a new place to live. (But please, not Ann Arbor. We have more than enough Carol J. Sheltons here already.)

Columbus Tresseltown delenda est!

Sony is Teh SuXX0rz

Maddox finally updates his website to say he's tired of Sony's bullshit (complete with unsubtle animated graphic).

Amen. Sony blows.

Columbus Delenda Est II: Come On, Feel the Hate

Ohio State Hate Week continues here at S&S...

We like to make lots of jokes about classless, white trash Ohio State fans and the general rowdiness and hostility of Columbus during The Game. Is this just hyperbole from us opposing fans, or is there some truth to it?

First off, let me say I've never personally been to a game at Columbus. But I have friends who have gone in years past, and they all have stories about their cars getting keyed, having beer thrown on them, or even being tackled by drunken morons. I, of course, have been in Ann Arbor for The Game, and I have never seen or heard of anything remotely like this happening to OSU fans. Obviously, I can't say it never has, but I don't know anyone else around here who has seen it either.

All that being said, let's roll the tape. This is video of the assholery before, during, and after The Game in Columbus in 2002, when Ohio State went on to win the National Championship:



Brian at Mgoblog also recounts his harrowing trip to R'lyeh Columbus in that same year.

Okay, so all that happened four years ago. Maybe things have improved down there. The city and university and the saner Buckeye fans are making efforts to rein in the hooliganism and general dickheaditry directed toward Michigan fans. Nevertheless, the University of Michigan still felt compelled to send this warning email out to its students:

We are sure that you are excited about this Saturday's football game versus Ohio State, and the possibility of capturing the Big Ten conference title and playing for the national championship.

...

We know that it can be uncomfortable being in an opposing team's environment, especially when the stakes are so high. We would like to offer a few suggestions in order to help you stay safe and have a positive experience this weekend:

--Try carpooling to the game; if possible, drive a car with non- Michigan license plates.
--Keep your Michigan gear to a minimum, or wait until you are inside the stadium to display it.
--Stay with a group.
--Know and obey the laws regarding alcohol use.
--If you are of legal age to drink, use alcohol in moderation. Stay in the blue.
--Stay low-key; don't draw unnecessary attention to yourself.
--If verbally harrassed by opposing fans, don't take the bait.
--Avoid High Street in Columbus.

If at any time you feel unsafe, you should call 9-1-1 for assistance. U-M campus police also will be available in Columbus to support our fans. You may call them with non-emergency concerns at (734) 216-9159.

Does tOSU feel the need to send emails to their students warning them about the dangers of Ann Arbor?

I rest on your face.

More hate to come. Columbus delenda est!

Update: Drew Sharp in the Free Press reports that Columbus is "preaching sportsmanship but preparing for anarchy."

Those who dare don the opposing colors at Ohio Stadium have been verbally harassed and allegedly sprayed upon with fluids not necessarily from a concession stand.

The late, great Bob Ufer was right to describe an OSU home crowd as "10,000 alumni and 74,000 truck drivers."

Columbus Delenda Est: Ohio State Hate Week Kicks Off

In his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.

No longer. The Great Old Ones are loose. The stars are right for an epic matchup, The Biggest College Football Game in the History of Ever, wherein the Michigan Wolverines head into the cyclopean, non-Euclidean nexus of evil to take on the many-tentacled Buckeye monster.


Evil Bruthulu rises from the wretched cesspool of Columbus.

The regional and national media need no help from this two-bit blog to hype The Game. We all know what needs to be done. The conqu'ring heroes must defeat the forces of evil and make the world safe for democracy, freedom, puppies, and people without mullets.

This is their charge. This is their destiny. Much is at stake. Should they fail in their quest, the world will succumb to trailer parks, Bud Light, wife-beater t-shirts, monosyllabic words, and all other things Ohio.

Onward, Wolverines. Columbus delenda est!

(Stay tuned for much more hate as the week goes on...)

Thursday Random Link Roundup

Here's a 20% off of stuff coupon for November 9 (today) through November 14. Better than a kick in the head. Buy Mom that book for Christmas that she'll never read.

Joe Sobran, my favorite columnist, has a typically Sobranesque take on Election Day. I especially love this part:

If the vote is so precious, then the penalty for not paying taxes would be simply to strip you of it. No need to put you in the clink. You'd appear at the polls, they'd tell you, "Sorry, you haven't paid your taxes," and you'd whimper, "You're not really going to take away my franchise, my most precious freedom, are you?!"

Indeed -- taxation without representation? Can I have no taxation or representation, please?

We're almost at the halfway point of National Novel Writing Month. I'm not participating this year, out of total laziness, but it has reminded me of how utterly lame I've been in keeping my New Year's resolutions. I'll have to make those all over again in a couple months. In the meantime, maybe I'll get back at it as the weather gets colder and I go into hermit mode.

Verd and Greg are always sending me interesting links but those links never seem to make it on here because a) I'm lazy and b) they usually send them via ICQ, which for various reasons is logistically inconvenient for me. So, like, maybe a little later I can go back to retrieve and post some of that stuff.

But tonight is Belgian beer tasting time! Looks like at least one other blogger will be going. Related news: I'm working on turning the Beer Tasting Field Guide into a coherent article so I can submit it to Modern Drunkard. Now there's a byline that would really look impressive on my resume.

Voting Is Bullshit

A few weeks ago I got into a heated argument with a couple of friends after I told them I wasn't going to vote. I heard all the usual sanctimonious crap: "Don't you care about this country?" "Don't you want to change things?" "How can you just give up?" "It's because of people like you that Bush is president." And so on.

Nonsense.

I tried to make my nonvoting position clear to them, to explain the philosophy behind it, but to no avail. "Statish thinking"* was too ingrained in them, as it is in most people these days. I know; I used to be one of them.

So why do I refuse to vote now? Boiled down to its simplest, bumper-sticker essence, the argument can be summed up with these assorted witticisms:

• If voting could change anything, it would be illegal.
  
  
• Don't vote; it only encourages them.
  
  
• You can't fight City Hall, but you can pee on the steps and run.
  
  
• I have better things to do, like shave my back hair.**

Maybe a little flip, yes, but I think there are some important truths in these sayings that too many people want to overlook. One at a time:

If voting could change anything... There are any number of ways in which the voting game is rigged toward a particular outcome, not the least of which is essentially forcing most folks to vote for a Republican asshole or a Democrat asshole. I used to say I supported a two-party system; we just needed to find a second party. I don't know that that even matters anymore. You're always voting for government.

Don't vote... Seriously, there is much wisdom in this, and it's probably key to why I decided to stop engaging in the voting ritual altogether. The corollary to it is that answer to the "Don't blame me, I voted for [losing candidate]" mentality: "Don't blame me, I didn't vote."

You can't fight... This one's pretty self-explanatory, I think, especially to anyone who's had to deal with any government agency, from the IRS to the DMV to the local planning commission. You can bitch and moan, but in the end they generally win. Even if you "win," it's somewhat Pyrrhic because in a perfect world you would never have to waste your time and money dealing with the sorts of petty ass clowns who mostly make up government bureaucracies.

I have better things... I wrote a column some years ago about this, so I won't re-hash it here.

OK, there may be times when voting for or against some particular government thing or other is worthwhile -- like maybe at the local level, and especially if it's to say no to some lousy tax hike. But pretty much it is a worse than useless exercise, if you ask me.

My friends criticized me for making a "statement" that no one would heed because, well, someone would be elected with or without my participation. But I'm not necessarily trying to make any statement, at least not directly. I'm just trying to keep my self-respect.

See, the key to the whole thing is the matter of whether or not one accepts the legitimacy of what our politicians are doing. By voting, you are in essence conferring on them a legitimacy they simply have not earned and do not deserve. By not voting, you're saying, "I don't give a crap what you say, you don't speak for me anyway." You refuse to accept the losing premise. (Remember the movie WarGames? It seems the only way to win is not to play.)

And the nonvoting "statement" doesn't go unnoticed, either. How many handwringing stories about apathy and low voter turnout do we see every single election cycle? Exactly. To quote John Cleese, "a lot."

This is where I would add another little saying I came up with all by my own bad self: "If enough of us ignore them, maybe they will go away." You see my point.

But what about democracy, civic duty, and blah, blah, blah? Rubbish, I say. What about my duty to the people and things that really matter in my life? My friends, family, cats, numerous girlfriends? They're more deserving of my time and attention than Jennifer Granholm or Dick DeVos, and they always will be.

Am I some pie-in-the-sky, unrealistic anarchist? Maybe. But I would argue I'm more realistic than the people who keep voting for dipshit politicians and then acting surprised or disappointed when the result is dipshits taking over more and more of the decisions in life that really ought to remain personal and voluntary.

So, yeah, when my friends turn to me and roll their eyes whenever yet another stupid commercial for some stupid politician comes on, I just smirk and say, "And you want me to encourage these jerks?"

Thank heaven all this stupid crap will be over after today. At least, until next year.

Vote tonight? Screw that. I'm going bowling.

* Credit for this term goes to Nicholas Strakon of The Last Ditch, a provocative if not prolific web 'zine.

** For illustrative purposes only: I don't have back hair. You can relax, ladies.

Captain Picard Has Something to Say, Too

Patrick Stewart at Michigan Stadium = the coolest thing I've ever seen. "Boldly go and beat the Buckeyes!"

Captain Kirk's Secrets to Handling Chicks

Who knew it was so easy?

Footbaw Footbaw Footbaw

John L., we hardly knew ye. So it finally happened today: John L. Smith, aka Slappy McSlapperson, was informed that he is not welcome in East Lansing anymore. He'll screw up the rest of MSU's season and then head off to... coach the Lions? Yeah!!!1 MSU's next coach? Check the AP wire:

EAST LANSING–John L. Smith is out as head coach of the Michigan State Spartans football team, it was announced today. At a 1:30pm press conference, athletic director Ron Mason named H.R. Pufnstuf to succeed Smith.

"H.R. has the right attitude and the ability to get the job done," Mason told reporters. "True, he's even freakier than (Smith), and I didn't think that was possible. But if he doesn't punch himself in the face or anything, we should be all right."

Pufnstuf, best known for his work in a psychedelic 1960s children's show, in turn named Teddy Ruxpin, a talking toy bear, as his defensive coordinator.

"I love that (expletive) bear," Pufnstuf said. "I can make him say whatever the hell I want." Pufnstuf went on to declare the pizza at the press conference to be "awesome."

Reports that Pufnstuf plans on appointing South Park's Towelie as his offensive coordinator remain unconfirmed.

Maybe we can make Teddy sing along to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's "So Long, Frank Lloyd Wright":

So long, John L. Smith
I can't believe how long it took to fire you
Fire you
Fire you

I'll remember John L. Smith
All of the games you'd get pulverized at home
I never laughed so hard
So hard
So hard

Football coaches come and
Football coaches go and
Never slap themselves blue
When I need to cry
I stop a while and think of you

So long, so long...

My new favorite band. Speaking of music, it had been reported that the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who have ties to Michigan, played "The Victors" during their set in Columbus a few nights ago. There's confirmation of it in the comments section of this story in the Columbus Dispatch. "Very disrespectful to Ohio State fans who paid lots of money to attend their show." I love the sound of whining Bucknuts. It sounds like, er, victory, bitches.


Flea would rather be in Ann Arbor reading the Gargoyle.