Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Columbus Delenda Est III: Jones vs. Tressel

Matthew 7:15We're at the midway point of Ohio State Hate Week, and S&S has had a shocking realization, courtesy of righteous Columbus resident Carol J. Shelton. Earlier this week, Ms. Shelton fired off a nastygram to the Columbus Dispatch castigating the Rev. Jim Tressel for holding a prayer meeting with his players starting his own Christian Football Cult. The vigilant Ms. Shelton fearfully describes Tressel's growing power and influence:

Jim Tressel, the putative co-president of Ohio State University as well as head football coach, is now exercising his near-sovereign powers at this government-supported institution by violating the country’s centuries-old mandate of separation of church and state...
After reading Ms. Shelton's letter, it hit me. Jim Tressel? Jim Jones? Could it be the suave football coach/aspiring religion-founder and the late cult leader/homicidal maniac have much more in common than a first name? The answer is... well, let's just say I've put together a chart that should prove extremely disquieting to Buckeye fans and anyone who values cyanide-free Kool-Aid.

Head of fanatical cult of weirdoesHead coach of team worshipped by fanatical cult of weirdoes
Investigated by authorities for financial improprietiesInvestigated by authorities for financial improprieties
Father was member of disreputable organization (KKK)Father was student at disreputable organization (OSU)
Arrested for soliciting gay sex Well, just look at those sweatervests...
Ordered followers to commit suicide before killing selfA fellow can dream
There you have it, ladies and gentleman. Can it be much longer before Columbus is renamed Tresseltown? Ms. Shelton might want to start looking for a new place to live. (But please, not Ann Arbor. We have more than enough Carol J. Sheltons here already.)

Columbus Tresseltown delenda est!