Thursday, November 16, 2006

Columbus Delenda Est IV: De Rigeur Edition

Ohio Sucks!All right, I know a lot of what follows started life as blonde jokes or someone switched school names around or whatever. But S&S has lately been getting quite a bit of traffic from Ohio folks, and I worry that my humor might be a bit too subtle or sophisticated for them.

So for the latest installment of Ohio State Hate Week, I offer up some standard chestnuts that get the point across: Academic standards at Ohio State are, um, not quite the same as they are at Michigan. Basically, I think a pulse is sufficient to get into OSU.

Anyway, these are for you, Buckeye Nation. Enjoy.

It's been reported that OSU coach Jim Tressel will be dressing only 20 players for the Michigan game. The rest of the players will have to dress themselves.


Did you hear that the Ohio State University library burned to the ground? All five books were completely destroyed. The football team in particular is really upset as they hadn't yet colored in two of the books.


Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Columbus?
A: The one that says, "Ann Arbor: 187 miles."

Q: What does the average Ohio State University student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Q: How do you get an Ohio State grad off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What did the OSU grad say to the Michigan grad?
A: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Q: Why is ice no longer available at Ohio State football games?
A: Because the senior who knew the recipe finally graduated.

Q: What are the three longest years of an Ohio State football player's life?
A: His freshman year.


A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the store."

"But I'm an Ohio State grad," the young man replied indignantly. "I even played football there!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom; I'd better show you how."


Two Ohio State football players were hootin' and hollerin' while partying on campus when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it took them only two months. "Two months?!" exclaimed the bartender. The Buckeye proudly replied, "Yeah, the box said 4-6 years!"


A Buckeye football player was almost killed today in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse just in time.


A little boy and his mother were walking through an Ohio cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read: "Here lies an Ohio State graduate and a good man." The little boy turned to his mother and asked, "Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?"


Coaches Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr were walking down the beach talking about the rivalry between Ohio State and Michigan. As they walked, Lloyd tripped over something in the sand. Upon closer inspection it turned out to be a genie's lamp.

The genie appeared and said he would grant each coach one wish. Tressel offered to go first: "I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Ohio so that none of those stupid Michiganders can ever get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace!"

"It is done," said the genie, clapping his hands and magically whisking Tressel off to his new paradise. Turning to Lloyd, the genie said, "Well, what is your wish?"

"Fill it up with water."