This Is the End

Dear Devoted Reader of Suds & Soliloquies,

I apologize. This note should have been written earlier. You deserved better. But, on the other hand, if you are a reader of this site, you've had plenty of reason to expect you would be treated shabbily, right?

Anyway, this post is simply to inform you that S&S is no more. Toast. Dead. Kaput.

In other words, I will no longer be updating this blog, in case the fact that I haven't posted anything in nearly two months did not tip you off.

It's been a great run. Six years, almost to the day (of the last post), I kept this stupid blog. And in case that doesn't sound like a long time, let me refresh your memory as to how long it is in blog years:

• When I started, Blogger was not yet owned by Google.
  
  
• You could not host images on your blog.
  
  
• I still lived in Midland, Michigan, the little toenail of the universe (it's not interesting enough to be an armpit).
  
  
• I was likely 20 lbs. lighter.
  
  
• The shameful, evil, endless Iraq war was still a gleam in the collective eye of Dick Cheney, Richard Perle, Paul Wolfowitz, Douglas Feith, Elliot Abrams, Donald Rumseld, Bill Kristol, David Wurmser, and George W. Bush, among other dishonorables.
  
  
• Bob Hope, Katharine Hepburn, Art Carney, Gregory Peck, Hume Cronyn, Buddy Ebsen, and Johnny Cash were all still alive.
  
  
• CSS was still only Satan's nightmare, meaning normal, non-nerdy people could modify their blogs without an advanced degree in computer dorkery.

You get the idea.

Anyway, wipe that tear off your grubby face. There's good news: I've started a new site at www.davidbardallis.com. Yes, it's a hybrid business site/blog designed to make me look smart and respectable, and I can't promise the level of angst and sarcasm you've grown accustomed to here.

But it's still me. I did it. I'm doing it. I'm writing on it. I'm still an anarchist and I still love beer. And, inevitably, it's the Wave of the Future™®©.

So: Update your browsers and feed readers and tricorders and whatever. And be sure to let all of your friends in need of a freelance writer and editor know I'm open for business.

And much gratitude to my (very) small but dedicated group of friends and readers over the years. This blog may have started as a purely selfish endeavor to keep me from going insane, but...

Well, no buts. It succeeded brilliantly, thanks to you.

So...

I just got my hair cut and a new pair of glasses (before my vision insurance dies on Tuesday). And then it occurred to me I now look kind of like a fatter version of Cory Doctorow. See for yourself.


And today I even went to a panel on copyright and fair use. (I'll blather about that in another post.) Next thing you know I'll start writing wacky sci-fi stories and pimping them on Boing Boing.

It's Styx Time, Bitches

Give me a job, give me security
Give me a chance to survive
I'm just a poor soul in the unemployment line
My God, I'm hardly alive

My mother and father,
My wife and my friends,
I see them laugh in my face

But I've got the power
And I've got the will,
I'm not a charity case
I'll take those

(Long nights, impossible odds)
Keeping my eye to the keyhole, if it takes
(All that to be just what I am)
Well I'm gonna be a blue collar man

Make me an offer that I can't refuse
Make me respectable, man
This is my last time in the unemployment line
So like it or not, I'll take those

(Long nights, impossible odds)
Keeping my back to the wall, if it takes
(All that to be just what I am)
Well I'm gonna be a blue collar man

Keeping my mind on a better life
Where happiness is only a heartbeat away
Paradise, can it be all I heard it was?
I close my eyes and maybe I'm already there

Bonus: Get your Tommy Shaw on with the YouTube video.

Live-Blogging the Depression: It's Official

So, yeah, it finally happened. As of 9:30 this morning, I don't have a job. It isn't all bad. I didn't much care for my job anymore because it had changed into something I wasn't hired to do nor much interested in (cutting and pasting bits of HTML code into the most user unfriendly web content software ever devised by man or demon). After months of the Bobs prowling the hallways, the work environment was roughly the equivalent of spending 8 hours a day in a Laundromat: tedious and depressing.

Not too sure what's next career-wise, but I still plan on having a fun weekend. Plus, I can sleep in tomorrow while everyone else rises early to go to their own version of the Laundromat. See? Not all bad.

Hit and Run Stupid Beer News

File under "Hasn't Our State Suffered Enough?":

Company brews up Kid Rock beer, nearly 400 future Michigan jobs

The Michigan Economic Growth Authority approved Tuesday a state tax credit valued at $722,957 so that the Michigan Brewing Company, a Webberville-based brewer of craft beers, can produce a new product line: a craft beer for musician Kid Rock.

Of course, the idea that MEGA somehow helps create jobs has long been exposed as foolishness and wishful thinking. It's just another wasteful government bureaucracy.

The real question is: Will Kid Rock beer come in 40-ounce bottles?

Live-Blogging the Depression: Les Bons Temps

As I wait to find out whether I've still got a job -- the current rumor is this Thursday is D-Day -- preparations for the annual Mardi Gras party continue apace. Job or not, I see no reason not to laissez les bons temps rouler as usual.

Yes, the auto industry is moribund, resulting in a rising tide of unemployment around these parts; the stupid and evil federal government is taking over what's left of the car biz; and Detroit tops the list of "most abandoned cities."

You know what I say?

Toga! Toga!

Ron Paul. Listen to Him.

Down with war. Down with torture. Down with inflation and funny money. Down with the police state. Down with the American empire.

Live-Blogging the Depression: Stayin' Alive

Last week a number of bigwigs were let go from the home office, management responsibilities were shuffled around, and it was announced that layoffs of littlewigs would be forthcoming within the next 30 days. So while I'm still employed for the moment, it's only because the axe has yet to fall. It's theoretically possible I'll survive, but as noted in the first installment of "Live-Blogging the Depression," I really don't like my odds.

I reckon the good news is that if I get laid off, I'll have more time to devote to rejuvenating this here blog (not to mention cleaning my apartment). I've also already started work on a business site, which is rather unlike me, but hey, I do have a marketable skill that people have paid for and, I believe, will continue to pay for, so why not? Freelance writer, editor, proofer, blogger extraordinaire at your service. Or "communications specialist." Or something. Still haven't decided on my fancy title.

It's time to admit, ferreals, that working for The Man sucks. It's always sucked, but in depressionary times like these, it becomes more abundantly clear how bad it sucks. The wisdom of placing your economic well being in the hands of people who may or may not know what they're doing but who, in any case, don't care if you live or die comes in for some hard questioning. I'm not sure yet what I'll do if I get the boot, but I'm taking the optimistic view that the threat of starvation will at least force me to take a more active role in my own future and maybe do things I'm ordinarily not comfortable doing, and I don't mean appearing on "American Idol."

In the meantime, I've been trying to follow the bad news as well as I can. One site I like, though I admit much of it is pure econo-babble that goes over my head, is Mish's Global Economic Trend Analysis. Mike Shedlock, aka Mish, is a fund manager type who seems to have correctly called the present deflationary environment (this past summer, I was spooked by the possibility of hyperinflation, which I believe remains a threat somewhere down the road) and shuns sensationalistic predictions and such. He also understands that which far too many people, especially those in government, don't: namely, that prosperity doesn't come from government taxing and spending but from private initiative and production. It's good reading as we head into Great Depression II and, apparently, New Deal II.

On Saturday, he posted this snapshot of the depression in New Orleans:



Yikes. Well, I hope I will still be able to afford to go down there and stimulate the local economy during French Quarter Fest in April.

Feelin' Naughty

Super Bowl. Super. Bowl. SUPER BOWL!

SUPERBOWLSUPERBOWLSUPERBOWLSUPERBOWL.

Super Bowl.

Sorry, I just had the sudden urge to steal some intellectual property©®™.

Live-Blogging the Depression: First in a Series

Recently my girlfriend asked me what the definition of a depression is. I told her there isn't one, which is true, but now I'm thinking of the old line that says a recession is when your neighbor loses his job; a depression is when you lose your job.

Based on my reading of the tea leaves, I put it at 90% that I will be involuntarily unemployed around this time next week.

The tea leaves include yesterday's companywide email that serves as a clinic in How Not to Talk to Employees Unless Of Course You Are Trying to Get Rid of Them Anyway. It said, in a tone that can be described only as "assholish":

• Nobody will get a raise in 2009
  
• You will pay more for your medical insurance
  
• You will continue not getting a 401k match
  
• Despite this, everyone will still go through the usual moronic, insulting, and pointless job performance review

It also said the company is hemorrhaging cash and that this fact has nothing to do with the long string of spendthrift, stupid management types and a marketing strategy that consists solely of "COUPON!!!" but is really because we just don't work hard enough. OK, it didn't actually say that; what it said was:

It is more important now than ever for us to focus on performance and evaluate how we measure up. Our organization must be made up of people who have the character, skills, maturity, passion and competitive drive to help us meet the immediate challenges and to drive our future success. As you go through the performance appraisal process, you must be completely honest with yourself and your teams. This is a time when we all need to step up in a way that we haven’t been required to do in the past and we need to have the right people here pulling together to get this company on more firm financial footing.

Anyone who's worked for a big company is fluent in corporatese, so it's obvious this means: "If you aren't happy working even harder for effectively less money than you're making now, we're fine with you leaving because we would fire you anyway."

The email went on to explain that, not to worry, our new CEO, whom nobody has actually met or even seen, has been there, done that and has A Plan. Wonderful.

I haven't had to look for a job in nearly five years, and I know prospects are pretty dismal everywhere right now. Things are about to get interesting for me.

The silver lining? At least I won't have to go through another of those corporate jerk-off sessions known as "performance appraisals."

My Los Angeles Debut: Executive Summary

I finally have a little time to write something about my recent trip to L.A. To summarize my impressions:

• The weather was relatively cool for L.A., but it was much better than Michigan's recent subzero temps (file under: duh)
  
• People for the most part were surprisingly friendly.
  
• The place is the very definition of "sprawl" -- mile after mile after mile of "stuff."
  
• The geography was confusing (to me, anyway) and I didn't understand the political distinctions between neighborhoods, suburbs, and city, or if there are any.
  
• On the surface, it doesn't appear to be a big beer town.
  
• There is more "living history" than I imagined there would be, in terms of beautiful old architecture, established institutions, etc.
  
• Palm trees are cool.
  
• Lots of traffic.
  
• Angelenos seemed fond of Christmas lights and decorations.
  
• Angelenos also love them some psychics, as evidenced by the "Psychic" stand on damn near every corner.
  
• L.A. must account for roughly half of the electricity used in this country.
  
• Of the areas I went to, I think I most liked Old Town Pasadena (and its Ashley's-esque bar Lucky Baldwin's) and Silver Lake, which reminded me a little of Ann Arbor.
  

Of course, the day I returned home it got very cold in Michigan and the temperature out there went from highs in the mid-60s to highs in the 80s. The weather always sucks (again relatively speaking) every time I go to California. Well, except for when I went to San Francisco.

More to come...

Obama Unveils New Grand Plan for the Economy

WASHINGTON -- President-Elect Barack Obama called on Congress to quickly pass a new fiscal stimulus package that would provide nearly $100,000 trazillion gaquillion frijillion in an effort to revive the U.S. economy, which some experts believe has entered a recession.

"Every economist I've ever heard of agrees what we need now is significantly more government investment to offset the negative effects of whatever it is that is happening," Obama said at his Monday press conference. "Accordingly, I and my team of advisors have developed a comprehensive plan that will shore up our financial institutions, put jobless Americans back to work, allow everyone in a house to keep it no matter what, rescue any failing bank or business, provide a hot meal to anyone who is hungry, improve the well being of all citizens, and give a puppy or kitten to every child who wants one.

"But Congress must put ideology aside and act now in a bipartisan manner before some other even worse stuff happens," he added, wiggling the fingers on both his hands to indicate "scary."

Details of the plan were presented by Lawrence Summers, Obama's top economic advisor and one of the plan's key architects. Using a colorful chart with squiggly lines, Summers estimated that 845 jiggashillion new jobs would be created in the plan's first year, with another 491 dubbadillion to follow over the next four years.

"Every American will be able to work two, three, four -- heck, 10 or 20 jobs if he or she wants to," said Summers. "And the best part is the income taxes generated from all these new jobs will actually pay for the plan."

Obama emphasized that not only will all the new spending not impose any additional burdens on the middle class, the plan actually targets tax cuts toward politically favored constituencies and whomever else it seems most expedient to target.

"The American people have spoken," said Obama. "They demand change, and I promise that I and every one of my former Clinton administration appointees will work hard to deliver that change." He also said something about hope and sacrifice and believing.

Other highlights of the plan include:

• $43 nurpillion for job training


• $89 bibblydefrillion for community reinvestment


• $505 frappakrillion for infrastructure and public works


• $732 hominavillion for health care and education


• $986 giggitysquillion for Goldman Sachs

Some prominent voices have criticized the plan, however. "It's a good start, but the president-elect doesn't go nearly far enough," Nobel laureate Paul Krugman, Nobel-winning winner of the Nobel Prize in economics, wrote today in his New York Times column. "We're talking about the need for another $344 grillion chillion beebopaloobillion, at the very least, to get this economy moving again. Also, tax cuts for anybody: Ick."

Congressional reaction was mixed, as House speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) vowed to pass the stimulus package "even if I have to go around and push the 'yes' button for every member of this chamber myself, and don't think I won't" while some senators cautioned that more debate may be needed.

"A schlopparazillion here, a dreedilyhillion there, and pretty soon we're talking about real money," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY).

But Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) was optimistic about the bill's passage, noting that the Senate has already adopted legislation increasing the national debt ceiling to $4,000 pigglywigglyjibbityjabbityfrippityfroppitybadaboomillion.

When asked what safeguards would be put in place to ensure that none of the unprecedented $100,000 trazillion gaquillion frijillion was lost to waste, fraud, and abuse, Obama pointed behind the press corps, said "Oh my GOD! LOOK!" then quickly exited the room.

2009: There Will Be Meatloaf

Internet access has been more difficult than I anticipated, possibly because of my ancient network card, but I've been uploading some pics of L.A. exploits on Facebook, for anyone who gives a damn. Dive bars, cowboy guys, the (postgame) Rose Bowl, and other incidents and accidents are there. More to come, no doubt.

Goin' to California

I'm heading off to Los Angeles for the next week, where I'm hoping for somewhat better weather and the chance to visit some fine Hollywood dive bars. I'll have the laptop, so if I have the time and opportunity I'll do a little blogging. In the meantime:



Catch you in '09.

(Thanks to Verd.)

Detroit Santarchy City

On the night of December 20, hundreds of Santa Clauses descended on the Motor City to bring Christmas cheer, excessive alcohol consumption, and public urination to a downtrodden city sorely in need of a pick-me-up... or at least some "economic stimulation."

It was my first year as part of this disparate crowd, united only by the fact we were all wearing Santa suits (or reasonable approximations thereof) and by our desire to drink beer. The good folks at DetroitSantarchy.net organized a bus to pick up some of us Santas from Ann Arbor and deliver us to Motown, where we took over bar after bar, beginning with Blondie's and (in my case) ending at Union Street.

A good time was had by most. I have a feeling this Santa will be back again next year. For the strong of stomach (like Santa), pictures of the drunkenness merrymaking are here, here, and on the official site here.

Christmas Gifts to Fit Your Cheap-Ass Budget

Layoffs. Bankruptcies. Bailouts. 2008 has been a pretty rough year. And now on top of all the bad economic news, you're supposed to buy Christmas presents for your friends and family? Yeah, right!

Luckily, with all the carnage going on around us, it has somehow actually become cool to save money. So to make sure you stay hip and with it, Suds & Soliloquies is happy to present: The Cheap Bastard's Conscientiously Frugal Gift Giver's Guide to Christmas 2008. You're welcome.

Below, please to find five great ideas for making your last-minute Xmas shopping short, sweet, and -- best of all -- cheaper than dirt:

1. Blocky. Old timers (by which I mean people in their late 20s and up) will remember Orbit, the hi-larious free Metro Detroit weekly alternative that flourished in the 1990s, until their bastard advertisers started stiffing them on payments and they had to fold. Anyway, one of Orbit's best gift suggestions was "Blocky." Blocky was -- surprise -- a block of wood with a drawn-on smiley face and pipe cleaners for arms and legs. Having trouble visualizing how awesome a gift this would be? Well, the graphic design team at S&S has re-created Blocky as well as Orbit's mascot, Orby, below:
   
   
   
   This Christmas, give the gift of Blocky... courtesy of Orby.
   
   Trivia: Quentin Tarantino is rocking an Orby shirt in this clip from Pulp Fiction. (You can drop this bit of hipster cred if your recipient ungratefully dares to diss his or her Blocky gift.)



2. Cash. Everyone likes money, which is why it's the perfect gift for anybody on any given year. I know, you're thinking, "How is cash cheap?" It isn't, really, but when I say cash, what I mean is: all those evil-smelling empties you've been meaning to return for a deposit but probably never will now because there are so many you'd have to take time off of work to get rid of them. Unless... you packaged them up in a nice box, wrapped them, and gave them to some lucky bastard on your gift list. Yeah, you're giving up some revenue, but it'll be worth it to be able to walk, rather than climb, through the kitchen, laundry room, garage, etc. again.
   
   
   
   Why not deposit these under someone's Christmas tree?
   


3. Regift. I don't care who you are, at some point in your life, maybe even last week, someone gave you something you didn't want or else you bought something that makes you now say, "What was I drinking thinking?" Yeah, you've probably already been pawning off your refuse on friends and family for years, but guess what? The rest of the world finally caught on, and now it's become almost socially acceptable to pass along that plastic singing James Brown, Nickelback CD, fruitcake, or inside-the-shell egg scrambler.
   
   
   
   Holy shit, you can still get these.



4. Knowledge. I'm sure you know someone who is lost and confused, someone who could use a little guidance, something that's true and solid in our dark and uncertain world. Think of how grateful this someone would be if he or she received the ultimate gift of knowledge from you! And think how awesome it would be that it didn't cost you a damn thing! That's right, all you need is this someone's email address and a connection to www.scientology.com. Tom Cruise and the boys have a free e-newsletter you can sign the lucky someone up for so he or she can begin to learn the truth about engrams, thetans, and Xenu the Galactic Overlord.
   
   
   
   Can your friends and family become Operating Thetans for Christmas?
   


5. Something from Borders. Some people you just can't give crappy gifts to, and that's why God created coupons. In this case, it's 40% off a book, DVD, CD, and/or other stuff from Borders. So you don't have to feel bad about overpaying for that copy of Gigli or Nickelback's Greatest Hits.

Merry Christmas, motherfuckers!

Why I Love Ann Arbor

Scene: The Fleetwood, sometime around 2am.

Me (wearing a dashiki and Santa hat): You know what you should see is on iTunes? That Cat Power cover of "Space Oddity." It sounds awesome.

Matt: Yeah, it's not on any of her albums. Maybe iTunes...

Random Dude From The Next Table (turning around): You can't get it anywhere. She's coming out with a new album or EP in January and it's supposed to be on there. But right now, it's just not available.

Me: Oh.

RDFTNT: It's a Lincoln car commercial.

Me: Yeah.

Matt (smoking): ...

RDFTNT turns back to his friends.

End Scene

Another Sign of the Recession

The office Christmas party is a potluck lunch. On a Thursday.

The Economic Turmoil Is Finally Affecting Me

A bucket of 20 breaded chicken wings is now $6.99 with my Kroger card, instead of the $5.99 it used to be.

That's it. I'm working on my bailout plan to take to Congress.

It's Turkey Time

I don't know about you, but it's a traditional Thanksgiving around here: turkey, stuffing, cranberries, pumpkin pie, beer, and, of course, the Detroit Lions getting murdered on national TV.

Happy Thankgiving to my many, many readers. Don't eat too much, don't get too drunk, and... ah, hell with it, it's a holiday. Stuff yourself and get wasted. I'm going to.

Then get ready to pick up some Christmas gifts on Monday with a nice 40% off DVD box sets coupon from your pals at Borders.

Cheers!