Sunday, December 21, 2008

Christmas Gifts to Fit Your Cheap-Ass Budget

Layoffs. Bankruptcies. Bailouts. 2008 has been a pretty rough year. And now on top of all the bad economic news, you're supposed to buy Christmas presents for your friends and family? Yeah, right!

Luckily, with all the carnage going on around us, it has somehow actually become cool to save money. So to make sure you stay hip and with it, Suds & Soliloquies is happy to present: The Cheap Bastard's Conscientiously Frugal Gift Giver's Guide to Christmas 2008. You're welcome.

Below, please to find five great ideas for making your last-minute Xmas shopping short, sweet, and -- best of all -- cheaper than dirt:

  1. Blocky. Old timers (by which I mean people in their late 20s and up) will remember Orbit, the hi-larious free Metro Detroit weekly alternative that flourished in the 1990s, until their bastard advertisers started stiffing them on payments and they had to fold. Anyway, one of Orbit's best gift suggestions was "Blocky." Blocky was -- surprise -- a block of wood with a drawn-on smiley face and pipe cleaners for arms and legs. Having trouble visualizing how awesome a gift this would be? Well, the graphic design team at S&S has re-created Blocky as well as Orbit's mascot, Orby, below:

    This Christmas, give the gift of Blocky... courtesy of Orby.

    Trivia: Quentin Tarantino is rocking an Orby shirt in this clip from Pulp Fiction. (You can drop this bit of hipster cred if your recipient ungratefully dares to diss his or her Blocky gift.)

  2. Cash. Everyone likes money, which is why it's the perfect gift for anybody on any given year. I know, you're thinking, "How is cash cheap?" It isn't, really, but when I say cash, what I mean is: all those evil-smelling empties you've been meaning to return for a deposit but probably never will now because there are so many you'd have to take time off of work to get rid of them. Unless... you packaged them up in a nice box, wrapped them, and gave them to some lucky bastard on your gift list. Yeah, you're giving up some revenue, but it'll be worth it to be able to walk, rather than climb, through the kitchen, laundry room, garage, etc. again.

    Why not deposit these under someone's Christmas tree?

  3. Regift. I don't care who you are, at some point in your life, maybe even last week, someone gave you something you didn't want or else you bought something that makes you now say, "What was I drinking thinking?" Yeah, you've probably already been pawning off your refuse on friends and family for years, but guess what? The rest of the world finally caught on, and now it's become almost socially acceptable to pass along that plastic singing James Brown, Nickelback CD, fruitcake, or inside-the-shell egg scrambler.

    Holy shit, you can still get these.

  4. Knowledge. I'm sure you know someone who is lost and confused, someone who could use a little guidance, something that's true and solid in our dark and uncertain world. Think of how grateful this someone would be if he or she received the ultimate gift of knowledge from you! And think how awesome it would be that it didn't cost you a damn thing! That's right, all you need is this someone's email address and a connection to Tom Cruise and the boys have a free e-newsletter you can sign the lucky someone up for so he or she can begin to learn the truth about engrams, thetans, and Xenu the Galactic Overlord.

    Can your friends and family become Operating Thetans for Christmas?

  5. Something from Borders. Some people you just can't give crappy gifts to, and that's why God created coupons. In this case, it's 40% off a book, DVD, CD, and/or other stuff from Borders. So you don't have to feel bad about overpaying for that copy of Gigli or Nickelback's Greatest Hits.
Merry Christmas, motherfuckers!