Monday, December 18, 2006

If I Make It Through December

Last year around this time, I compiled a list of some of my favorite yuletide tunes. This year, because I've been unable to muster any enthusiasm at all for Christmas, I present a Scroogian list of the holiday songs that I hate the most.

"Wonderful Christmas Time" by Paul McCartney
Does anybody like this piece of shit?

"The Little Drummer Boy" by Various
I've never liked this damn song. All those stupid pa-rum-pa-pa-pums annoy me, and let's be honest: Why would an infant trying to get some sleep want some moron kid around him banging on a bongo? Baby Jesus was just being nice.

"Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" by Elmo & Patsy
It was kind of funny once. In 1984.

Anything by Mannheim Steamroller
One of the things that would keep me awake at night shuddering with fear and rage (if I let it) is the fact that there are people who buy albums from the fucktard known as Mannheim Steamroller. I mean, a lot of people. I don't know any of them, thank God, but the thought that they are out there -- flying airplanes, running Fortune 500 companies, quarterbacking the Detroit Lions -- fills me with dread.

"Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" by John Lennon
Yoko Ono shrieking "a very merry Christmaaaaaaaas" makes my ears bleed. And war is obviously not over, so you were wrong, dipshit.

"Happy Birthday, Jesus" by Unknown
There are two songs with this name, and the one I'm talking about has this retarded chorus:

Church bells ring-a-ling, angels sing-a-ling,
"Happy Birthday, Jesus."
Snowflakes ting-a-ling, sleigh bells jing-a-ling;
"Happy Birthday, Jesus."

I don't know who sings it, and in fact I haven't heard it in more than 20 years, but circa 1978, WJR in Detroit played it so often it got burned into the part of my brain normally reserved for memories of being molested by priests. Every now and then I remember the priests and this song, and they're both so terrifying I promptly repress them again.

"All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" by Spike Jones, Various
How about all your teeth, kid, after Santa brings you a nice knuckle sandwich?

"Do They Know It's Christmas?" by Band-Aid
No, they don't. Now shut the fuck up.

Merry freakin' Christmas, dear readers -- wake me up when the Rose Bowl is on.