Friday, November 16, 2007

The Institute for Truth, Justice, America, Sunshine, and Puppies Presents Michigan vs. Ohio, Round 2: Politics

The undisclosed location of ITJASP headquartersRonald Reagan famously quipped that politics is the world's second-oldest profession, yet it bears a striking similarity to the first.

And who can doubt the Gipper? Not the world of science, which is the world that ITJASP and this blog live in. Again, extensive research went into the findings of this report, so let's just move straight into Michigan vs. Ohio, Round 2: Which state is politically more awesome?


Michigan. There is only one former president from Michigan: Gerald Ford. As an asskicking linebacker on a two-time championship University of Michigan team from the 1930s, he played ferocious D and was voted team captain, which is just how we like our football players. As president in the 1970s, he was mostly harmless and unelected, which is just how we like our government. Science says: +1 Michigan.

Ohio. No fewer than eight former presidents have come from the state of Ohio (though none attended THE! Ohio State University), so many that Ohio has been given the creepy-sounding nickname "The Mother of Presidents." These former chief execs are:

William Henry Harrison. Windbag par excellence, he delivered the longest inaugural address in American history on a cold, rainy day and was rewarded by catching pneumonia. Died shortly thereafter before he could do much of anything. Science says: +1 Ohio.

Ulysses S. Grant. Although he gets points for being a drunk, his administration was riddled with profiteers from the odious military occupation of the South. Science says: -1 Ohio.

Rutherford B. Hayes. It was said of him that he was "a third rate nonentity, whose only recommendation is that he is obnoxious to no one," which sounds like exactly the sort of guy who should be president. However, he brought in federal troops to shoot striking railroad employees. Surely that could have been handled better? Science says: -1 Ohio.

James A. Garfield. The perfect president: He was in office for all of six months before being assassinated. Science says: +1 Ohio.

Benjamin Harrison. Fraudulently elected, he signed the awful Sherman Antitrust Act and raised tariffs. Science says: -1 Ohio.

William McKinley. Supported sound money in the form of the gold standard; annexed Hawaii, setting the stage for Polynesian pop a half-century later; and was assassinated. Science says: +1 Ohio.

William Howard Taft. Proposed the 16th Amendment (income tax). Fat. Science says: -1 Ohio.

Warren Harding. His administration was rife with corruption thanks to his appointment of other Ohioans to his cabinet. Still, he picked a great Treasury secretary in Andrew Mellon, who fought for tax cuts, and died two years into his term. Science says: +1 Ohio.


Michigan. Although she's at least easy on the eyes, Governor Jennifer Granholm is a complete fucking idiot and a Canadian. Science says: -1 Michigan.

Ohio. Governor Ted Strickland has been in office only since January, so although indications are he's another tax-and-spend, big-government commie pinko liberal, the scientific data are inconclusive. Plus there's always the chance he'll be assassinated. Science says: 0 Ohio.

Count: 0-0.


Ohio fucking re-elected George W. Bush. Michigan did not. Science says: -1,000 and rot in hell, Ohio.

Final count: 0 - -1,000. Michigan wins Round 2.