Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Season of Schadenfreude, Part I: Notre Dame

All right, so it's no secret that the Michigan Wolverines aren't exactly world-beaters this year. Fine. I accept that. It took a couple cases of beer and a bottle of Konyagi, but I'm ready to move on.

Given that any national championship hopes have been squashed like Charlie Weis sitting on... well, anything... and a Big 10 title seems improbable when your team effectively has no defense, we ask ourselves: What is there left to play for?

Laughing at those who (we hope) suck even more!The answer: Other people's misery. That's right, what we have here is a season of schadenfreude, and we should seize this wonderful opportunity to make our rivals be The Team That Lost to the Team That Lost to Appalachian State. Maybe I can't exactly enjoy Michigan's season, but I can sure as hell revel in the pain of Domers, Penn Staters, Sparties, and bucknuts. If we beat their respective teams, I, as a frothing football fan, can be at least somewhat placated. (And I should throw Eastern Michigan in there too: even though they don't have any fans to hate, it would be epically embarrassing to lose to them.)

First up: Notre Dame. The Irish suck so bad this year, if our guys can't beat them then I will start to wonder if they can beat anyone. ND has yet to score an offensive touchdown. Of course, with Michigan's defense apparently out to lunch -- a liquid, drunken, four-hour lunch -- this weekend may be their big chance to lift their O from last place (#119 of 119 teams) in Division 1A football. That's right, Notre Dame's offense is absolute rock bottom. Their rushing total is -8 yards. HA-ha!

With true freshmen quarterbacks starting on each team, the game is sure to be a battle of "who can suck less?" And nationally televised, to boot. Someone is going to be very, very sad after this game, and let's hope it's Notre Dame fans. Yay, schadenfreude!

Get the elephant tranqs ready!

2005: Weiszilla unleashes his dreaded artery-clogging hot dog attack on an unsuspecting Ann Arbor. Citizens! Defend the Deuce!

Party, party, party. There will be a kegger (probably Bell's Third Coast Beer) at the "house divided" this weekend, with downstairs being the Notre Dame zone and upstairs being the Michigan victors' circle. Chicken wings, cocktail weenies, salad, chips, salsa, etc. will be served as we sit like slugs and watch college football all day. Swing by if you'd like to be a slug too. And per an agreement with Matt, the losing fan has to do a shot of Konyagi, the drink of the Tanzanian People.

T-shirts. Since this promises to be a "meh" season at best and Michigan's economy is still down and all, we've designed a couple new t-shirts for the budget-minded reader/football fan. Why spend extra cash that could be used for sweet, pain-deadening booze on multiple shirts for each rival when you can get one of these single, spiffy, all-purpose shirts to do the job?

Besides, not even naming the other team shows even more contempt, does it not? Like, you couldn't be bothered to get a special shirt to specifically mock JoePa or Charlie Weis or who-the-hell-ever is coaching Michigan State this week. Plus, I personally promise -- no, guarantee, Mike Hart style -- that if you buy one of these shirts, and tell 500 of your friends to do the same, that Michigan will win the Big 10, go to the Rose Bowl, and extract vengeance against the Pac-10 in a bloody, violent, heart-warmingly redemptive sort of way.*

Let's Go Blue!

* Promise subject to total inability to control outside events. "Guarantee" not to be construed as a guarantee.