An Announcement from Homeland Security

Attention, citizens.

This past Saturday in Ann Arbor the patriotic forces of the Michigan Militia Wolverines foiled a plot by a group of subversives, known as "Notre Dame Fighting Irish," to demoralize the U.S. by bringing down our great country's winningest college football program. Led by gastro-terrorist Charlie "O'Che" Weis, the America-hating militants sought to desecrate one of the great symbols of our mighty nation by detonating a 100 megaton suck bomb in the largest football stadium in the country. Thanks to the heroic efforts of special agents Hart, Long, Mallett, and Manningham, however, the suck bomb not only failed to harm its intended targets, it resulted in the total destruction of the perpetrators. As a result, the terror alert level has now been reset to green, "Managed Expectations." Please continue about your normal activities as before... but the Department of Homeland Security recommends keeping a bottle of Konyagi ready in your emergency preparedness kit.

That is all.