Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Lights, Camera, Whatever

You could say I'm something of a movie buff, or was. When I was younger, I not only watched the Academy Awards, I had this big encylopedia of film that I would thumb through, memorizing titles, dates, and stars. A lot of those factoids I still remember, particularly nuggets from the so-called Golden Age of Hollywood. To this day, I surprise plenty of people whose asses I kick at trivia, delivering a Mortal Kombat–style fatality by announcing that Olivia de Havilland's sister is Joan Fucking Fontaine, duh! And I still have the encyclopedia of film, although it's not just out of date, but rendered obsolete by the Internet Movie Database. Thanks, Internet!

Anyway, over the past decade or so my enthusiasm for "the movies" has declined precipitously. The Oscars bore me. Hollywood in general nauseates me. And going to the theatre these days is an exercise in aggravation: inflated ticket prices, commercials before the movie, chatty teenagers using their fucking cell phones, and the fact that the movies themselves just seem to suck more and more every year.

Which is why I'm amazed there are a number of movies out now I'd actually like to go see. In no particular order:

I'm sure I've already missed out on Clerks II and Scoop, except maybe for a dollar theatre somewhere. And The Black Dahlia garnered some terrible reviews from preview audiences back in February... but maybe the filmmakers have made some good changes since then. Brian De Palma working from James Ellroy material just seems like it would have to have some merit. I'm not expecting another L.A. Confidential, but... OK, I am. I want another L.A. Confidential, dammit. I love that movie.

Anyway, I'll probably end up watching all of that stuff on DVD eventually. (Netflix is another reason not to go to the theatre anymore.) But I did recently go out to see the tragicomic documentary The Devil and Daniel Johnston, which I highly recommend. If you don't know who Daniel Johnston is (most people don't), I suggest you Google him. I could say he's a mentally ill singer/songwriter/artist, but that wouldn't really do him and his strange life justice.

And if you don't know about Los Angeles's (still unsolved) Black Dahlia murder of 1947, Google that, too. On second thought, just go here since there's a lot of bullshit pet theories surrounding the case and this seems pretty evenhanded. The facts by themselves are gruesome and fascinating enough without being embellished by crazy conspiracy theories involving Marilyn Monroe, Bugsy Siegel, Orson Welles, and etc.

OK, so I still like movies. Maybe not always the most high-brow ones, but so what? If Bergman or Fellini had directed Animal House, you know it would have totally sucked.

Now for some quasi-related links:

RogerEbert.com has an article on drinking and drunks in the movies, which is cool except for its holier-than-thou tone about us lushes:
Arthur... unlike real drunks, is more entertaining, more witty, more human, and more poignant than you are. He embodies, in fact, all the wonderful human qualities that drunks fondly, mistakenly believe the booze brings out in them.
Speak for yourself, buddy. I'm unstoppably awesome when I'm trashed.

The all-new, all-cool, all-hip (uh huh) Cracked magazine has a primer on writing scripts for chick flick movies. Mostly funny because it's so true:
At some point late in the first act or early in the second, the main character and the people she cares most about (friends or children) must hear a soulful 1960's [sic] song either on the radio or a jukebox, and sing it together—ideally into combs, and while dancing about in a way that is carefully choreographed to look completely random and spontaneous.
You go, girl.

And, finally, how about an actual movie? If, like me, you ever got tired of seeing lovable loser Charlie Brown tormented by Lucy and all his other jerkwad "friends," then you will enjoy this nice short, Bring Me the Head of Charlie Brown.

You go, Chuck, and I don't mean Norris!

C'est tout. Cut!

Monday, August 28, 2006

"These Aren't Even Birds!"

Arrested Development, Season 3 is finally out on DVD tomorrow. I'm so excited, I could do the chicken dance.

Monday, August 21, 2006

You're On Notice!

Courtesy of the Stephen Colbert "On Notice" Board Generator.



(Via Fried Rice Thoughts.)

Forget Autumn in New York

The nights seem a little cooler. The sky a bit cloudier. The breeze a little, uh, breezier. U-Haul trucks prowl up and down the tree-lined avenues of downtown Ann Arbor. Furniture sits on well trammeled lawns awaiting the ascent up rickety wooden stairwells. Moms and their student progeny fill the checkout lanes of Meijer with carts full of such household necessities as mops and Hot Pockets. It all points to one thing.

College football season is almost upon us.

I'm far from the world's most rabid sports fan, but there is a lot to love about Ann Arbor in the fall. Nearly 180 years of football tradition becomes as palpable as the ubiquitous aroma of foamy beer poured from a lawn keg or sizzling brats pulled from a porch grill. And then there's the vivid fall colors of Tree Town and the pretty cheerleaders in short skirts and did I mention the beer and brats and stuff. What's not to like?

Being here has me already fired up and ready for a (I fervently hope) much better season for our dear Wolverines. But if you live in suburbia, you might not be feeling it just yet. So I'd like to help out, courtesy of some numbnuts from Columbus who made a stupid rap video extolling the glory of Ohio State, which team has a remarkable preseason ranking of #1.

Well, we'll see about that. At least Michigan does not have anything as embarrassingly retarded as DJ Snooz and MC Snorz, so we're already winners in my playbook. Were they serious? You tell me, if you can manage to watch the whole thing. (Yes, consider that a dare.)

(HT Mgoblog.)

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Thursday Random Link Roundup

Remember Mystery Science Theater 3000? Writer and host Mike Nelson now has a web site where, for a mere two bucks, you can download mp3s of him mocking your favorite craptastic movies. Or at least Grr's favorite craptastic movies. (Note: If you buy beer and pay for the rental, I'll come over your house and mock your movie for free.)

Spike Lee's upcoming documentary on New Orleans vs. Katrina looks kinda interesting, although it unfortunately appears it will include screen time for such world-class jackasses as Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. Really, is there anyone on earth who is not yet sick of these two attention-whoring morons?

Check out this cornucopia of suckitude: 50 (yes, 50) "Great" David Hasselhoff videos. Don't hassle the Hoff!

Get answers from the Magic Hate Ball.

Jack Kerouac answers some "square questions" from Steve Allen and William F. Buckley, recites from On the Road, and has his obituary read by Walter Cronkite.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Overrated/Underrated

Folks of a certain age will remember Mad Magazine's overrated/underrated feature, wherein the Usual Gang of Idiots printed pictures of well known pop culture icons and proclaimed some of them overrated and some of them underrated. The underrated items were usually something off-the-wall that had a tenuous connection with the overrated items, such as a similarity in names.

Anyway, below for your web surfing enjoyment is the first-ever Suds & Soliloquies overrated/underrated extravaganza. What a pain in the ass it was gathering and re-sizing all those images. So you'd better think this is funny.

Overrated
Underrated
Coldplay
Coldplay
Hey, baby
Foreplay
Starbucks
Starbucks
Starbuck
Starbuck
The Sopranos
The Sopranos
The Bluths
The Bluths
THE! Ohio State University
Ohio State
Hot Hot Hot!
Appalachian State
Radiohead
Radiohead
Eraserhead
Eraserhead
Survivor
Survivor (the TV show)
Survivor!
Survivor (the band)
Father of the Internet
Al Gore
Martin Gore
Martin Gore
Shitty Japanese shit
Anime
Animaniacs
Animaniacs
This movie sucks! Gosh!
Napoleon Dynamite
J.J. would kick Napoleon's ass
Kid Dyn-O-Mite!
The Deuce
Ann Arbor
Spring Arbor
Spring Arbor

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Wombats on a Zeppelin

I've had it with these motherfuckin' fleas on these motherfuckin' cats!

Speaking of, check out the "[Blanks] on a [Blank]" film contest entries. Lucky Chuck Norris was around to handle those Pigs on a Segway.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The Year of Living Drunkenly

Man, I was so fucked up on Friday. I don't even know what I said or did, but a friend sent this picture of me from some bar I don't recall going to:

I'm so hammered!

Damn, I was so wasted I can't remember which of those girls was Sugar Tits. I bet I was even slurring my slurs.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Who the Hell Is Tia Jacobs?

I lost count of the number of people who arrive at this blog by Googling "Tia Jacobs." The reference to Tia Jacobs contained here was one of those randomly generated spammer names I was quoting when posting my spam poem epic.

Random Links

Seen the trailer for Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane?

Here's what happens when you cross Candid Camera with... Japan! And speaking of Japan, here's a Flickr set of Engrish photos.

Make your own Sam & Max comic, like this one.

Bookmooch lets you exchange books you don't want for books that someone else doesn't want.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Government, Art, Free Speech, Etc.

The big controversy in town today is over the loss of an expected $13,300 state grant for the Ann Arbor Film Festival, a celebrated annual event for the past 44 years. Radio station 107.1 is having an all-day drive to help raise private funds to make up the shortfall in the festival's $192,000 budget. Here is some backstory from the Detroit Free Press.

First, let me say I commend 107.1 for its local civic-mindedness and appropriate response, especially since it's an affiliate of Texas-based radio megacorp Clear Channel. Also, I'd like to note I have a lot of respect for Martin Bandyke, the former WDET deejay who now hosts the morning show on 107.1. In fact, he is my morning alarm.

The Real Issue

But I've been listening to the fundraising drive today and I have to object strenuously to the hysterical, sanctimonious misrepresentation of the issue by some of the personnel of, and guests on, the radio station, to wit: OMFG CENS0RSHIP THEIR TRYIGN 2 TAKE DE ARTZ AWAY FR0M US!11!!1. I'm not exaggerating: Some have gone so far as to suggest that there is an active attempt to "shut down" the festival, and that it's just the beginning of a domino effect that will "shut down" other festivals like it in the country.

That's pure, unadulterated nonsense.

Here is the precipitating issue, and nothing more: Earlier this year, the Ann Arbor Film Festival, by exhibiting a film or films that depicted sexual acts*, violated the conditions upon which its 2006 state grant was to be given.** This violation was brought to the attention of the state legislature, which initiated an investigation. Rather than deal with the political hassle, the festival wisely declined the state grant (a small part of its overall budget) and decided, again wisely, to appeal for voluntary support to make up the unexpected shortfall. So that's that.

Three Lessons

Now, the wider, more important lessons to be drawn from this incident are being completely missed in the fundraising drive.

The first lesson, which is often pointed out by folks like me who enjoy artistic and creative endeavors but oppose state subsidies for them, is that when you take money from the government for something, you make that something answerable to the political process. Art, an especially subjective matter, is no exception, and people who miss this simple point and act surprised when the politicians get involved are either stupid or naïve.

The next lesson comes to us by way of Thomas Jefferson, whom I think is still highly regarded by most as an icon of political wisdom. He said, "To compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the propagation of opinions which he disbelieves is sinful and tyrannical." Like it or not, there really are people who don't take kindly to having their tax dollars used to promote things that offend their moral sensibilities. In fact, it's usually when they are forced, via taxation, to promote such things that the politicians are prompted to get involved. Conflict therefore becomes inevitable.

Finally, the very existence of the fundraising drive shows you don't need the government to put on a film festival; the support is voluntarily there, especially in a place like Ann Arbor. And when the state money goes away, so does the state scrutiny as well as a huge potential source of conflict. It's just that simple.

This last lesson isn't a trivial one, but it's ironically lost on the people in charge of the fundraiser, who still somehow manage to draw the exact opposite conclusion. Quoting from the Free Press:

For Bob Bolak, the general manager for Ann Arbor Radio (WQKL 107.1 FM), the Tuesday fund-raiser sends a message about the need for government arts funding.
Illogical and Dishonest

Mr. Bolak is one of far too many folks who have an illogical and/or dishonest take on the relationship between art and the state. The station's recorded spot for the fundraiser typifies the muddle-headed thinking on this issue: "Support government funding for the arts, freedom of speech, and independent cinema."

I'm all for the latter two things, but the first makes them impossible. It's a lot like saying, of the Michigan-Notre Dame football game, that you are going to root for Michigan and Notre Dame to win. You can't; the two sides are opposed.

In other words, to make the obvious even more explicit, if something requires for its existence the intervention of the state, in the form of forcibly extracted tax monies, it is neither free nor independent, certainly not in any political sense.

So much for the illogical; now for the dishonest. The perpetual portrayal of people who argue against state interference (even in the benign guise of "support") with artistic and creative endeavors as all unenlightened, knuckle-dragging, Bible-thumping philistines is tired and simplistic. There are no doubt some folks who do fit that description, but in my opinion and experience, it's mostly a caricature dragged out to galvanize the usual crowd of self-righteous poseurs and sophisticates into another periodic crusade of the sort necessary to justify their own sense of superiority (and sense of entitlement).

I suppose it also lends an artificial sense of urgency to the fundraising drive in an effort to help boost donations. But isn't the cause of actual independent cinema worthy enough without the Chicken Little rhetoric? Why cheapen that cause with base, politically charged palaver?

These foolish misrepresentations and the accompanying illogical reasoning make it difficult for me to want to ally with people with whose stated goal I might otherwise agree. The fact that they either don't really believe in or don't understand that goal really puts me off.

I don't take in many movies at the theatre these days, experimental or otherwise. But I still hope the Ann Arbor Film Festival continues for another 44 years and more. It's a great tradition, and it's part of what gives this town its vaunted "cool" reputation. And with the state grant accounting for less than 7% of the festival's total budget, it's hard to imagine there is a real danger of it not surviving, even if the fundraiser doesn't meet its goal today (and I'll be very surprised if it doesn't).

Standard Disclosures, Disclaimers, and Etc.

Economist Mike LaFaive, who testified before the legislature against state funding of art, is a good friend of mine, and I can personally attest to the fact that he is no unenlightened, knuckle-dragging, Bible-thumping philistine. Heck, the guy's even more of a Shakespeare aficionado than me. You can also read his original editorial on the same topic here.

I know most of the people who bother to read my blog probably won't agree with this post, but then again, I've never pretended to be "progressive" or "liberal." I just avoid talking much about politics these days because a) it bores me and b) I generally disagree with everyone about everything, and I don't normally like to be disagreeable. But I welcome comments, especially if anything I wrote wasn't very clear.

In conclusion, it's been super cool to hear Me First and the Gimme Gimmes and other awesome bands on the radio today. 107.1 should let listeners request stuff every day so we can hear more than their usual boring playlist. Because if the station doesn't, OMFG CENS0RSHIP!11!1

* This is unquestionably true. At the festival, I saw the film Proteus, which featured a number of, uh, racy liaisons between two dudes. These scenes would have to be categorized as soft-core in content; however, there is no doubt they qualify as explicitly sexual in nature.

** The relevant language from Section 401(3) of the budget for the Department of History, Arts, and Libraries, which oversees the Michigan Council for Arts and Cultural Affairs, says "The MCACA shall not award grants for projects or activities that include displays of human waste on religious symbols, sex acts or U.S. Flag destruction."