Thursday, October 12, 2006

It Just Doesn't Matter!

If I woke up one day and found out I was America's new Overlord of Marketing, my first official act would be to categorically ban any and all advertising that uses that stupidest, tiredest, lamest, most hackneyed of expressions, "Size does matter!" As in:

Dumbass Annoying Announcer Voice: Hey, hey, hey consumer! Why use Widget X when you can use Acme® Brand Retard-O-Widgets, which are 20% larger? Size does matter!
Yeah. So what's the problem?

First, you're comparing your product to penises. Male genitalia. Cocks, schlongs, rods, johnsons. Unless you are a manufacturer of artificial wee-wees, this is probably a bad idea.

Further, to get the "clever" joke, your audience has to be fully aware that you are talking about dicks. Again, do you really want people associating your product with a 12-inch meat puppet?

And third, the whole "size does matter" thing was funny one time. Maybe. In 1989. Now it's beyond the groaning stage and into the that's-when-I-reach-for-my-letta-opener-of-death stage. Just stop it.

Any agency in this day and age that takes perfectly good money to come up with this witty, original campaign for a client deserves to have its offices razed and salt poured in the earth where once their lazy, unimaginative employees wasted billable time surfing the Internet. And any company whose marketing department comes up with this brilliant, paradigm-changing advertising assault all by itself... well, let's just say I know a way said company could shrink its payroll expenses a bit...

What would you say it is you do here?
"Size does matter... that's why we need to fire you."