Da Best Toast, More or Less

I've been friends with Greg for approximately half my life, going all the way back to our teenage days of mullets and Metallica. (For anyone who wants some embarrassing pictures, see me later.)

So when he asked me to be his best man, I was both honored and thrilled. At least until I realized the awesome responsibilities that came with the job, not the least of which is delivering this toast.

The key to the best toasts, the experts tell me, is levity and brevity. So let me keep this light and short and we can get on with the more important business of merrymaking.

When I first met her, Colleen thought I didn't like her. Since that time, I've become better able to disguise my feelings.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Actually, when I met Colleen, it became quickly apparent just how great she was. And how good she was for Greg and, by extension, for us, his friends.

For example, Greg's parties showed immediate improvement. They began to feature things like food and napkins and plates and silverware.

Eventually his place improved, too. Tasteful decorations soon replaced the usual mainstays of Taco Bell wrappers and empty beer bottles.

Now Greg and Colleen have a beautiful new house together. And a dog, too. It's almost like my headbanger friend has grown up.

So, on behalf of Greg, thanks, Colleen, for the things you've brought into his life. For the record, they include stability, patience, good taste, joy, and -- yes -– love.

And for those nights when we're still not quite being grown-ups, thanks for letting him stay out well past his bedtime.

Now to Greg, I don't need to tell you how lucky you are. I know you know it. I –- and everyone who knows you -- can see it on your face whenever you and Colleen are together. And even when you are not. So to you I will just say: well done, sir, well done.

And to everyone –- let's raise our glasses to these crazy kids. To their health and happiness and to the many, many years ahead of love and togetherness and driving each other crazy. My dear friends, Mr. and Mrs. S--, 'til death do you part. Cheers!