Saturday, December 24, 2005

It Was Christmas Eve, Babe, in the Drunk Tank

As a public service, I offer both my readers some stuff to help them get right into the Christmas spirit(s):

Begin by playing a game of Drunk Santa.

Then play a game of Sober Santa (note: the name is a total misnomer).

Make yourself feel better, no matter how rotten your Chistmas is/was, by reading the stories from the poor bastards at My Miserable Christmas.

Give me (or some other lucky punk) the gift of the Modern Drunkard Guide to 21st Century Drinking.

Next, kill someone over a case of Natural Light (thanks Verd).

And finally, enjoy the official Suds & Soliloquies Recommended Christmas Playlist, guaranteed to be 100% John Lennon and Mannheim Steamroller–free:

"Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" by Frank Sinatra
"Mistletoe and Holly" by Frank Sinatra

Oh by gosh by golly, The Voice has to be part of any Christmas mix. These are two of my holiday favorites from the Chairman.

"Holly Jolly Christmas" by Burl Ives
No one has ever waited for me below the ho-ho mistletoe, but this song is a must. Kiss her once for me.

"Please Come Home for Christmas" by the Eagles
So sue me, I like this song.

"Christmas Is the Time to Say I Love You" by Billy Squier
Ditto. Billy rocks.

"I Love the Winter Weather" by Tony Bennett
Suave! Tony's one suave fucker. Here's to Tony. HERE'S TO TONY!

"Baby, It's Cold Outside" by Dean Martin
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" by Dean Martin

Does the tune exist that couldn't be made at least 50% cooler by Dino lizarding it up? Yeah, I didn't think so. Here are a couple of holiday chestnuts, including "Rudy the red-beaked reindeer." You have to hear that one, if nothing else.

"Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)" by the Ramones
I don't think I'll get any argument about this one. But if I do, I do want to fight.

"O Come All Ye Faithful"
"O Holy Night"
"O Come, O Come, Emmanuel"

Three of my favorite traditional Christmas hymns, the "O" trilogy sounds good in the hands of almost any serious, competent singer.

"The Christmas Waltz" by Robert Goulet and Carol Lawrence
What would Christmas be without Bob Goulet's authoritative baritone bellowing some holiday cheer out of your speakers? The duet version with ex-wife Carol Lawrence is best.

"The Christmas Song" by Nat King Cole
Only a communist wouldn't have this on his Christmas playlist. Probably because, you know, commies don't celebrate Christmas.

"Home for the Holidays" by Perry Como
"Silver Bells" by Perry Como

I've never heard him more relaxed.

"Father Christmas" by the Kinks
A song featuring a chorus about kicking Santa Claus's ass and taking his money that ends up with an admonishment to remember the less fortunate? Ray Davies is the man.

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Ella Fitzgerald
"Sleigh Ride" by Ella Fitzgerald

Ella's as smooth as your favorite smooth cliche, and probably then some. This is a good pair from her to get your Christmas going.

"Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee
A cool song in moderation, but easy to overdose on. Use sparingly.

"It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" by Andy Williams
It is, because Andy said so. So quit bitching.

"Mr. Heatmiser" by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
The original from the show is, of course, the best, but BBVD do a reputable job too, and it's the only version I have at the moment.

"Christmas in New Orleans" by Louis Armstrong
Probably not as merry as years past -- God bless all you Yats; we're still thinking of you.

"I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas" by Yogi Yorgesson
Should be listened to exactly once each year. No more.

"White Christmas" by Bing Crosby
It's Bing. 'Nuff said.

"Fairytale of New York" by the Pogues w/ Kirsty MacColl
A hauntingly beautiful ballad about drinking, Christmas, and a failed (or failing) love affair. Shane MacGowan's slurred, raspy vocals never sounded better. Three guesses why this might be my favorite Christmas tune of all time.

So, Merry Christmas to both of you, and a drunken New Year.