Another Hipness Update (And Then I Promise I'll Quit)

RoboRanch has a PDF of the Liberty Lofts marketing brochure, including the various floorplans (scroll to page 5). Pretty... well, hip is the word that comes to mind, for some reason. By comparison, here's my apartment's floorplan.

Well, at least I do apparently live in "Ann Arbor's hottest neighborhood." (Though I would like to know where the grocery and drug store the brochure mentions are.)

Maybe They'll Sell $8 Jars of Gourmet Ketchup

The Ann Arbor News has an update on the coming yuppie habitat known as the "Liberty Lofts," despite being located on First St. I can't wait for all my new hipster neighbors:

"These are sophisticated and hip, with high-tech finishes, designer lighting and expansive windows," said Ron Mucha, vice president of [developer] Morningside.

There may be good news, though:

A single-story building at the corner of South First and West Liberty streets has about 20,000 square feet available for retail, and could be a home for a small grocery store, Mucha said.

As they say (no pun intended), developing....

Hemingway Drank Here... Or Was It Here?

The two long-feuding "Sloppy Joe's" bars in Key West have finally reached an agreement about what they can say regarding their most famous patron.

The Administration and the Fury

Slate.com wonders what it would be like if Faulkner were to write about the Bush presidency.

Send In the Gonzocons

From neocons to neo-Jacobins and now to "gonzocons," this clever article by Martin Kelly explores what the murderous maniacs in charge of the Bush administration's foreign policy have in common with Hunter S. Thompson.

Ten Things

So this one thing, "Ten Things I've Done That You Might Not Have Done," has been making the rounds on LiveJournal. I figure I'm narcissistic enough to take part, so here goes*:

1. Stood atop (and inside) the Rock of Gibraltar
   
   
2. In the same day, haggled with a merchant in Tangier and had a beer at a place called Rick's in Casablanca
   
   
3. Drunk real absinthe (no, I'm not talking about Hill's)
   
   
4. Spent an entire birthday at an outdoor Paris café sipping Belgian ales, writing in a journal, and watching the Parisites walk by
   
   
5. Written 50,000 words of a novel (and counting)
   
   
6. Explored an abandoned insane asylum on a full-moon night
   
   
7. Been in the northern Michigan cottage in which Ernest Hemingway spent his first 17 summers
   
   
8. Visited the graves of Gertrude Stein, Guillaume Apollinaire, Jim Morrison, Oscar Wilde, and Amedeo Modigliani
   
   
9. Received a standing ovation from a bar full of vaguely frightening hillbillies in North Carolina after performing a drunken karaoke rendition of "Day-O"
   
   
10. Had the slightest of affairs with a woman I'll both never see again and never stop loving

Gee, keeping to 10 was hard (told you I was narcissistic), so here are some runners-up:

1. Grew up with a phone number that spelled DUMBASS
   
   
2. Seen Concrete Blonde in concert three times
   
   
3. Had (via a friend) a bottle of water from Lake Michigan blessed by the Pope
   
   
4. Listened to Pink Floyd’s “Animals” too many times to count
   
   
5. Visited an excavated Roman city (complete with a "vomitorium")

* Disclaimer: This list, while 100% true, is especially designed to make me seem more interesting than I actually am. Some obvious items, like "Lived in Midland, Michigan, for more than six years," have been omitted due to their giving a better impression of my boring life.

Plan B

Well, maybe when the U.S. police state gets to be too obnoxious, there will still be time to emigrate. The New York Times makes Panama sound pretty damn nice. No surprise these two paragraphs caught my attention:

Then, of course, there is the lure of Panama City's urban lifestyle, including a young, hip population and a bevy of good restaurants, bars and nightlife. Ms. Esguerra, a dog groomer, is especially taken with Casco Viejo, where high-profile residents have renovated once-crumbling buildings, like the waterfront three-story home of the musician-turned-politician Ruben Blades, who is now the country's minister of tourism.

Resembling a cross between the French Quarter of New Orleans and Old Havana in Cuba, the neighborhood is situated on a small peninsula that juts out into Panama Bay on the Pacific Coast. Its ornate Spanish colonial and neo-Classical architecture offers a stunning counterpoint to downtown Panama City's glass-enclosed high-rise buildings poking up across the water.

Just need to do something about those gigantic insects....

Your Papers, Please

Get ready for your spiffy new National ID Card, which our overlords have been trying to fasten on us for years. The post-9/11 world has offered them wonderful new opportunities, and the latest turd they're working on has already passed the House. Reason's Brian Doherty talks about the lovely Real ID Act.

Big Kahuna Store Big Data

The Big Tiki Drive? Whoa. This may be the coolest thing I've ever seen.

(Thanks to George for the link.)

Benjamin Says: Clean Your Room

"U. of Mich. Offers Clean-Room Bonuses," reports AP. Here's a taste:

Participants must let tour groups see their room in the middle of the day, and have to be out of bed and dressed, said Randi Johnson, the university's housing outreach coordinator.

Hmmm, a tall order, especially for undergrads. Hell, that's a tall order even for me. This whole having a job thing kind of takes care of that, though. And I get more than $100 for it, so I guess I can't complain. Much.

Don't Panic

Can't wait for the movie version of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" to hit theatres in April (you dork)? Well then, you can play the old Hitchhiker's adventure game from Infocom online in the meantime, complete with graphics added by other HGTTG dorks.

(If not, maybe you were waiting for "Gory Gory Hallelujah" to come to a screen near you instead. Looks awesome.)

(Thanks to Greg for the link.)

How Much Longer Before They Think I'm Gay?

"Never-married singles face negative reaction," reports the Detroit News (or is it USA Today?). Subhead: "Society is more accepting of the divorced than it is of those who've never tied the knot." My favorite line:

The thinking goes like this: Divorced people have demonstrated they're capable of making a commitment; there's no confusion about their sexual orientation; and with their "starter marriages" out of the way, they can concentrate on real, lasting relationships.

Hmmm, yeah, they took a 'til-death-do-us-part vow and then bailed. So unless the other party was a total loser/fuckup/cheater (and let's admit that is a very real possibility), how exactly has someone who's divorced demonstrated he/she can make a commitment? Seems like the opposite to me.

Hunter S. Thompson Addendum

My pal Matt, who is quite fond of HST, interviewed the Good Doctor (not to be confused with Dr. Cheese) on the release of one of his last books, "Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-Crossed Child in the Final Days of the American Century."

He (Matt) tells a funny story about calling a drunken Thompson in the middle of the night and trying to get him to coherently answer all these serious questions about his book. Anyway, you can still read the interview online here.

Forget Groceries, We Need More Yuppies

The gentrification of downtown Ann Arbor continues with two new upcoming loft developments: LoFT322 and the Liberty Lofts. I bet they'll be cheap!

Make Your Own Bumper Stickers

Why wait around for some crummy little company to come up with a bumper sticker that perfectly encapsulates your own unique, original view of the world? Now you can just make your own.

Look for these mature, philosophical stickers to show up on bumpers all around the state real soon:

Fear and Self-Loathing in Aspen

The AP is reporting that gonzo journalist and countercultural icon Hunter S. Thompson blew his brains out last night. I don't think I ever read anything the guy wrote, but "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" was a pretty insane movie.

Update: For the curious, here is his last column for ESPN.com about a new sport he's invented called "shotgun golf." Sounds like fun.

Spam of the Day

From: "Neddy Preut"
To: "Lionel Css"
Subject: You have to supply the pleasance of holding the top-quality
Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 10:11:04 +0000
----------------------------------------------

Best market for your tips.
Renowned products at a very reasonable toll.
Verify worths

Why I Don't Give Ann Arbor Bums Money

I don't really get this article in the Michigan Daily. Am I supposed to feel bad about a guy who chooses to do nothing but panhandle and get drunk all day? I just don't.

Get Your Wings

You thought Joe Pesci was a good singer? You ain't heard nothin' 'til you've heard Wing. She's the bomb.

Fight the Man!

I was excited to discover that Ann Arbor has its very own every-loony-lefty-cause-you-could-ever-imagine-between-two-covers magazine. Critical Moment is dedicated to "social justice, diversity, and humanity" and "brings together activists and organizations involved in struggles against oppression, exploitation, and exclusion."

Man, I bet these folks are fun at parties.

Drunken Happenings

One of the joys of surfing the Internet is running across cool stuff that you can rip off from other sites and include on your own. The latest improvement I've made around here comes courtesy of Past the College Grounds, another local blog (cheers, mate!).

It's the new "Drunken Happenings" feature off to the right. Now I can keep track of upcoming stuff I'd like to do, instead of forgetting about it and saying, "Damn, I meant to do that," when I read about it in the paper the day after the fact. And friends can check it and see if there's anything they'd be interested in joining me for. Technology rocks.

Stupid Moosehead News Closure

You remember back in August when some guy in Canada made off with a truckload of Moosehead beer? I didn't think so. But in case you did, you can rest easy at night now, because he's been apprehended -- and sentenced.

Unfortunately, most of the crappy beer he stole is apparently still on the loose.

(Thanks to Verd for the link.)

I Am So Hip and Hot

"Life in the city is hip, hot," reports the Ann Arbor News. In fact,

In downtown Ann Arbor, the number of residential units has increased slightly, but interest in living downtown has soared, driving prices up sharply, said Ray Detter, who has been living in downtown Ann Arbor since 1961. He said he has watched downtown change from a refuge for people seeking cheap rent to an expensive neighborhood.

"Lofts are not low-income anymore," Detter said.

And ice cream cones cost more than a nickel now, too.

I Guess They Weren't Playing Enough Kid Rock

Kid Rock is charged with punching a DJ over "the selection of music." Way to represent, homes.

This Says It All

I log on to my computer and Windows XP pops up a little window telling me I "may have critical errors" on my computer and would I click "Next" so that it could scan for the errors? OK, fine. It takes me to a web site that appears to be an advertisement for something new Microsoft has cooked up called "ErrorGuard." Not to worry, it's free when I accept the ubiquitous End User License Agreement. OK, fine, whatever, go find errors, Mr. ErrorGuard. I click OK and ErrorGuard goes to install on my machine...

...but terminates with an error message.

Kudos, Mr. Gates. Yet another great product from Microsoft.

Update: Looks like I owe Bill Gates an apology this time. Upon further examination, ErrorGuard does appear to be a really clever bit of spyware. They did a good job making it look very "Microsoft" (complete with the error message). My stupid spyware detector failed me, arrr!

Hott, Sexxy Celebrity Gossip Newz!

Actually, both of this blog's readers will know this isn't so much a celebrity gossip item as a NOLA update. It seems that famed teenybopper Lindsay Lohan is goin' wild at some of the Crescent City's trendier establishments while she's in town filming some new dumb movie. One-Eyed Jack's? I mean, really. Oh well, as long as she stays outta Monaghan's, Coop's, Cooter Brown's, and all the other respectable joints, I'll be happy.

Dr. Cheese in the House

Dr. Cheese fired up the DVD player for another evening of schlocky entertainment, this time reviewing the Italian (of course) crapfest called "Burial Ground."

Damn, There's No Dio

But you can get your free Slayer, Ozzy, or Iron Maiden font on this great page. Heck, you can get Pantera, Testament, or Sepultura fonts, too!

We Can Do Better Than North Dakota

"Binge drinking highest in Midwest," says the latest breathless government report designed to justify and advance the Nanny State.

The bad news? While "binge drinking" may be highest in the Midwest, North Dakota is the reigning champ, "where an estimated 31 percent of residents 12 and older had engaged in binge drinking."

And what is the government's idea of binge drinking? Why, it's "consuming five or more drinks on the same occasion at least once in the last 30 days." Whoa, I apparently binge drank last night while winning a game of darts, then walked home, answered some emails, posted a blog item, brushed my teeth, and went to bed ALL WHILE ON MY CRAZY-ASS BINGE.

Now the question before you, Dear Reader, is will you join me in my out-of-control behavior and help Michigan claim its rightful place as Top Binge Drinking State? We can't disappoint our self-appointed nannies.

(Thanks to Verd for the link.)

At Least Her Mouth Was Clean

I don't think this qualifies for Stupid Beer News since it doesn't actually involve beer, but this story about a woman sentenced to probation for driving drunk after drinking Listerine is worth sharing.

I don't get it, though. I mean, a good bottle of MD 20/20 is less expensive than Listerine. Well, maybe the problem is that it doesn't kill germs by millions on contact.

Pour Me Another Martiki

On Saturday, I stopped by ACME Mercantile, which is having a 20% off all tiki stuff sale through the end of February. Unfortunately for anyone reading this, I picked up what seemed to be their last set of "martiki" glasses. Sorry; maybe you can still order some online.

Custom Candy Hearts

Celebrate your miserable, lonely existence with the ACME Heart Maker. What? You're not miserable and lonely? Sorry, I got you confused with me.

Musings of a Political Outcast

In an earlier post, I mentioned that I often feel like a political outcast. Since 2001, this feeling has intensified to the point where I really have no good answer to the question: Are you liberal or conservative -- or what?

This post is my attempt to answer that and similar questions for the legions of people out there who lie awake nights dying to know all about me. I say "attempt" since my views are always evolving and because this post is at heart just my stream-of-consciousness way of thinking out loud about things for which I have no settled answers.

First, some quick history. I considered myself a Democrat almost all through school, even though I disdained plenty of Democratic constituencies like the radical feminists, loopy multiculturalists, and campus commies. Around the time I graduated from college, I got that old-time libertarian religion, largely courtesy of Ayn Rand, and enthusiastically enlisted in the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, Michigan Division. That enthusiasm, at least for doctrinaire libertarianism, gradually began to wane as I returned to the Catholic Church after the obligatory period of youthful atheism (a key tenet of Randianism) and also began reading the likes of G.K. Chesterton and Russell Kirk. Then came September 11. In its aftermath, I began to realize virtually all of my fellow travelers were ready to trade in all their eloquent talk about reducing the size and scope of government to become full-time jingoists, state-aggrandizing warmongers, and Republican hacks. I began to find most would-be conservatives and alleged libertarians to be as insufferable and hypocritical as I found most liberals to be. It became official: I was politically homeless.

So here I am now, recently moved from a solidly Republican/conservative city I couldn't stand to a town I enjoy living in, even with its reputation for being to the left of Lenin. How to explain this?

A few years ago, journalist Rod Dreher wrote an article (which I highly recommend) in which he described himself as a "granola conservative." Basically, Dreher's premise is that

the life [his wife and he] live and the values we share have more in common with left-wing counterculturalists than with many garden-variety conservatives.

In other words, they belong to a food co-op, enjoy music played only on public radio, appreciate the beauty in nature and older buildings, etc. Stuff that most self-respecting modern-day conservative types aren't into.

Dreher's article might come as close to explaining what I currently think about politics and civic life as anything else I've seen. Despite my distaste for left-liberalism ranging across a wide spectrum of issues, it turns out I agree with lefties about more things than I imagined I would, even if I think their solutions to mutually perceived public ills are sometimes misguided and counterproductive. But the lefties are often better than your typical conservative at seeing the ills as ills in the first place.

So am I granola conservative? Beats the hell out of me. But here's a list of some of my many Whitmanesque, seeming self-contradictions (I am large, I contain multitudes) that might qualify me for membership in some sort of left/right hybrid club. I am:

• A free-marketeer who deplores crass commercialism and most products of mass culture
  
  
• An admirer of the great books who laughs at fart jokes
  
  
• A Catholic believer who finds it hard to get up for Sunday Mass, let alone go to Saturday confession, and who dislikes fundamentalists of various stripes
  
  
• An advocate of property rights who abhors McMansions, strip malls, and the loss of historic buildings
  
  
• A socially tolerant, live-and-let-live fellow who believes that many modern "lifestyle choices" are bad for the individuals choosing them as well as for the larger society
  
  
• A lover of drink who thinks drugs are nothing to fool around with (while favoring an end to the federal "war on drugs")
  
  
• A traditionalist who believes in the saying "Variety is the spice of life."
  
  
• A person who generally frowns on bad manners and crude behavior but who routinely cusses in casual conversation (and on his blog)
  
  
• An unambitious slacker who dislikes lazy co-workers and the freeloaders and bums who could support themselves if they made an effort
  
  
• A nonconfrontational guy with a strong aversion to violence in all forms who watches and laughs at some of the schlockiest, most graphic horror b-movies around
  
  
• A mostly unserious dude who nonetheless believes some things are sacred
  
  
• Someone who likes living in Ann Arbor but also enjoys making fun of it
  
  
• An anti-utopian who realizes the world could be a better place -- and frequently wishes it was

The list could go on and on, but by now you more than get the idea. I guess in the end it comes down to the fact that I'm unique, just like everyone else. So, wanna be my friend?

Rock and Roll Hall of Shame

Dying to hear Joe Pesci sing "Got to Get You into My Life"? No? Then how about Pat Boone belting out a fine rendition of "Holy Diver"? Or Telly Savalas crooning "Loving Feeling"?

If you answered yes to any of the above, you need your head examined. And you also need to click here right now.

(Thanks to my demented bro for the link.)

Queer Eye for the Flightless Bird Guy

Right-wing bigot zookeepers are flying in some female penguins in an effort to disrupt the civil unions among their zoo's gay penguin community. Fucking hatemongers.

(Thanks to Steve for the link.)

Stupid Beer News: Special Mardi Gras Edition

Two items today:

• A forklift operator for the Racine, Wisconsin, distributor of Miller products gets canned for appearing in the local paper drinking a Bud Light at a Mardi Gras party.
  
  
• A school official in Mobile, Alabama, apparently gets wasted and drives over a little girl's foot during a Mardi Gras parade.

(Thanks to Greg and Verd for the links.)

Death of a Playwright

One of the University of Michigan's most famous graduates, Arthur Miller, died today at the age of 89. I read "Death of a Salesman" in college and enjoyed talking about it in class. Like most people, I'm not so much familiar with his plays beyond that. Also like most people, I know he was married to Marilyn Monroe for a spell. (How's that for an odd couple?)

I recently watched him on the UMich channel in a re-broadcast of his visit to Ann Arbor (last April, I think). Toward the end of the interview he made some fantastical predictions about global environmental catastrophe occurring in the next five years. Guess he won't be around to see he was totally wrong.

First Friday in Lent

Day Three of the whole "going without beer" thing, and let me tell you, it's going to be a long six weeks. But this year I left some wiggle room by allowing myself mixed drinks. After all, I couldn't give up Thursday nights at Arbor completely. (It feels odd enough ordering gin and tonics at a brewpub, never mind ordering something non-alcoholic.)

Unfortunately, my Lenten beer abstinence means I missed the "strong ales" tasting event last night. I hope next month's tasting is "watered down, mass produced lagers" or something, since I'll have to skip it, too. Oops, damn, it's stouts.

In the Land of D.C., Where the Shadows Lie

Goldberg vs. Cole, Continued

The cage match continues:

• Round 7:
  Goldberg takes the gloves off to address Prof. Cole's "insults and ad-hominem attacks."
  
  
• Round 8:
  For his part, Prof. Cole takes offense at Goldberg's "descent into pathetic lack of humanity."
  
  
• Round 9:
  Jonah says Prof. Cole's response is "very lame" and that he's going to take his "victory lap" now.

At this point, I think both men realize the fruitlessness of the exchange, so that will probably be it. Who you think "won" probably depends as much on your political views as anything else. Unfortunately, I think Prof. Cole's last response sounded pretty shrill, and his "morally offended" stuff seems a bit forced -- in particular, the gratuitous line about Goldberg wanting to bring back slavery smacks of the kind of hyperventilating leftism I tired of years ago.

But in the final analysis, I would probably trust Prof. Cole's opinions on Iraq more than Mr. Goldberg's because a) he does know more than Jonah Goldberg about Arab culture, b) Goldberg is part of a publication that routinely gives space to irresponsible maniacs like Victor Davis Hanson and Michael Ledeen, and he seems largely to agree with their ilk and c) let's be honest, yes, I agree with Prof. Cole that the invasion and occupation of Iraq are tragic and unjustified.

Now let's see them get in a pie fight on CNN or something.

It's Fat Tuesday!

Maybe this was the year to go to Mardi Gras. Smaller crowds and fewer drunken college students spilling beer down your shirt? Naaa, that's part of the fun.

The Pundit and the Professor

There is a pretty entertaining face-off about the Iraq mess going on between Juan Cole, a professor of history here at UMich, and Jonah Goldberg, erstwhile editor of National Review Online. It's also a little depressing, as it's one of those squabbles that reminds me how much of a political outcast I seem to be sometimes.

I think it's fair to say Jonah Goldberg is and has been pro-war regarding the U.S. invasion and occupation of Iraq (and ditto Afghanistan). In fact, I used to enjoy reading his column on NRO, prior to September 11, 2001, when he mostly wrote on other subjects. I think he can be quite witty and humorous. After September 11, however, I stopped reading NRO altogether because of its incessant and nauseating warmongering.

I'm less familiar with Prof. Cole's writing, but I think it's fair to say he's against the U.S. occupation of Iraq and it seems that, at the least, he had grave reservations about the invasion to begin with. It also seems that he considers himself "progressive," which means I would probably disagree with 90% of whatever other political beliefs he may hold.

But it's no secret I'm antiwar (and, I'm proud to say, pretty consistently so regardless of which wing of our political duopoly is picking the fights), so in this case I think I agree with Prof. Cole regarding the opinions of Mr. Goldberg and other pro-war pundits. Frequently they do not know what they are talking about, and other times they are just dishonest. I think Jonah Goldberg probably belongs more to the former category than the latter, but there are other NRO writers I would certainly classify as being part of the latter. (Maybe I should note my byline has appeared in NRO before, but of course I belong to that third category of infallible genius, toot, toot.)

Anyway, without further ado, I present...

Iraq War Pundit Cage Match: Goldberg vs. Cole

• Round 1:
  Jonah disses Prof. Cole in his syndicated column, calling him "the dashboard saint of lefty Middle East experts."
  
  
• Round 2:
  Prof. Cole responds, saying Jonah is a "maroon" who "knows absolutely nothing about Iraq" and challenges him to a live debate on Iraq and other Middle East issues.
  
  
• Round 3:
  Prof. Cole comments further on Jonah's lack of military service and other things.
  
  
• Round 4:
  Jonah characterizes Prof. Cole's response to his column as "whining and insults."
  
  
• Round 5:
  Jonah writes an entire NRO column rebutting Prof. Cole and accusing him of "intellectual insecurity." He also agrees to a debate, with the caveat that it not be too esoteric.
  
  
• Round 6:
  Prof. Cole rebuts the rebuttal and concludes that "Goldberg's punditry is empty" and "particularly unsubstantive."

As Matt Drudge might say, developing...

Smile! You're on Cop Camera

Thinking of sneaking a leak on Bourbon Street this Mardi Gras? You might want to think twice about it now.

(Thanks to Ray for the link.)

How Ann Arbor Can You Be?

Ann Arbor is often thought of as the "Berkeley of the Midwest," and while there are certain similarities (see below), I think the comparison is a bit of a stretch. For all its kneejerk lefty politics, Ann Arbor is nowhere near as weird as Berkeley. At least, as far as I can tell from these pictures* from last year's "How Berkeley Can You Be?" parade.

I should note I've never actually been to Berkeley, but if ever I felt the urge to visit, this might just dissuade me. On the other hand, I've lived in Ann Arbor for only six months, so maybe I missed its version of this parade.



*Warning: This link includes a few naked photos of grey-haired hippies amongst all the other freaks. If the sight of the sagging, potbellied, sandal-wearing naked human body offends you... well, I ain't paying for your therapy, let me put it that way.

Mardi Gras in Exile

Well, here it is, the weekend before Mardi Gras, and we're stuck cold sober in the Michigan tundra instead of stumbling about happily inebriated on Bourbon Street. And the worst thing about living in such a small apartment is that I can't even throw my usual Mardi Gras party. Oh well, with the Super Bowl coinciding, it might not have turned out so well anyway.

Nevertheless, happy Mardi Gras to all, from our krewe to yours. Don't forget to say hi to the Ape Man. And remember to say a little prayer for Kyle.

Kid Suck, My Hero

I know it was late November when old Bob Ritchie was last here in Ann Arbor stinking up some undergrads' house, but this picture still cracks me up. What a tool.

Forget Wine and Cheese

Apparently you can go ahead and have beer and cheese if you're feeling less pretentious.

"Fat, Drunk, and Stupid Is No Way to Go Through Life, Son"

It's a sad day. Dean Wormer has gone to his final reward. R.I.P. John "You'll Get Your Chance, Smart Guy!" Vernon. (Thanks to Greg for the link.)

Of Movies and Poop

Meanwhile, the "debate" over the greatness of "Alone in the Dark" continues on the IMDB message boards. I had to laugh at this guy's scatological putdown of someone who said he actually liked the movie and predicted it would receive a higher vote average over time:

This will never, ever get a normal vote. 99.9% of the people who watched it hated it, and up to 50% of them call it the worst movie ever made. Every movie gets a few people saying it's the worst they've seen, but in the case of AitD the MAJORITY of the audience thinks it's the worst they've ever seen. It doesn't matter that you think it deserves better marks, because you have no taste.

I should expand on that last remark. You have no taste. It's like Boll opened a restaraunt and you and a lot of customers came in for its opening, despite the unanimous warning from food critics that the meals are terrible because, hey, the critics could be wrong. Boll is estatic that everyone is there and he brings out everyone's meal on a tray, then everyone digs in. Suddenly there's choking sounds and gasps. Some have spit out their food and a few have vomited. Everyone demands to know what this is and Boll pulls a cart out to show where he got the cuts and reveals a giant sticky turd on a butcher's block. Realizing they've just eaten it, they scream at Boll and everyone leaves but you. You're in the corner, brown all around your lips, corn stuck in your teeth, turd in hand, and you say, "Hey, this isn't so bad!"

Everyone knew what they were eating and was sickened by the flavor and texture of this turd. You, having no taste, no ability to tell from a turd to a regular meal, ate it all up. You can insist that no one but you understood the turd or that everyone's just pretending it tasted that bad, but at the end of the day you're still eating sh!t and the only attention you're going to get is as that pathetic oddball who has no taste.

More on Uwe

Finally, there's a web site you can go to for up-to-the-minute news about Uwe Boll movies. Bwahaha!

As of this writing, "Alone in the Dark" is #10 in IMDB's "Bottom 100," keeping company with the likes of "Troll 2" and "From Justin to Kelly." Awesome!

Ann Arbor in a Paragraph

The first item in the Ann Arbor News's latest "Talk About Town" column offers what I think is the most unintentionally humorous summation of this city's character. In particular, the last paragraph made me giggle out loud:

The only disruption to a perfectly pleasant afternoon was the year the Ku Klux Klan's plans to appear at city hall coincided with the Kempf House event. Tear gas used by police to break up demonstrations several blocks away wafted by on a southerly breeze, making it difficult for some ladies to leave when they would have liked.

A sedate, hoity-toity, pretentious event juxtaposed with an absurd, riotous, sociopolitical protest -- that's Ann Arbor in a nutshell.

Online "Dating" Continues to Be a Smashing Success

After 30 minutes of filling out their tedious questionnaire:

Unable to Match You at This Time
eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive testing of married individuals. One of the requirements for it to work successfully is for participants to fall into our rigorously defined profiles. If we aren't able to match a user well using these profiles, the most considerate approach is to inform them early in the process.

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish and enjoy happy, lasting relationships that we choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching system is not suitable for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply would not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand that we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.

Great. Rejected by the dating service itself before even having a chance to be rejected by the women on the service. Well, at least, as they say, they tell me up front I'm a total unmatchable loser so I don't have to go through months of unanswered emails and such. Of course, even better would have been if they said this before I wasted half an hour on their dumbass questionnaire.

Go to Hell!

Hipsters
Circle I Limbo

People Who Talk During Movies
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Radio DJs
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Celebrities
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Wiggers
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Do-Gooders
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Spammers
Circle VII Burning Sands

Telemarketers
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Politicians
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

In Honor of Black History Month

I'm going to stop surfing the Web with Google and switch to Gizoogle. I be tired of that cracka search engine, yo.

Stupid Beer News II

Lesson to be learned: Always make sure your Duff Beer is authentic.

Apparently you can now get your Buttweiser with caffeine in it. Maybe it would be a good idea to pick up a case and save it to sell on eBay after this product fails in the market, as Verd predicts. Or hell, just say you have some to sell like that Australian broad did.

Paging Dr. Moreau

This is just disturbing.

Stupid Beer News

I'll have to try this at Arbor sometime.

And finally, we have solid proof that beer saves lives.

This Will Scar You for Life

You have been warned.

The Doctor Is In

Dr. Cheese reviews another piece of -- er, masterpiece.

Armed Home Invasions... Swell

I guess I'm lucky to have just had my bike stolen by a sneak-thief.

One Good Thing About Winter

It kills the insects. Otherwise, they might get big enough to eat frogs.

Advertise This!

It looks like the backlash is starting against one of my blood-boiling pet peeves: commercials in movie theatres. Increasingly, my solution is to stay out of the theatre altogether. (Of course, that may be mainly because there are very few movies I ever feel like paying $9 or $10 to see.)

Other pre-movie commercial hatred can be found here and here.

Uwe Boll Is the New Ed Wood

"Alone in the Dark," a movie allegedly based on the cool early 1990s video game of the same name, opened in theatres today. I say allegedly because the guy responsible for bringing this film to the masses is none other than Uwe Boll, the German schmuck who inflicted the execrable "House of the Dead" (that's right, another video game movie) on an unsuspecting moviegoing public in 2003.

But to judge from the reviews, "Alone in the Dark" looks to be even better than "House of the Dead." The fact that at least half a dozen reviewers have explicitly compared Uwe Boll's "work" to Ed Wood's pretty much guarantees that I will see this masterpiece at some point, that point being when I can rent it for a dollar.

Here's a taste from the San Francisco Chronicle:

"Alone in the Dark" is the best Ed Wood movie never made. It fails so miserably as both an action and horror picture that it succeeds as a comedy. It's a film so mind-blowingly horrible that it teeters on the edge of cinematic immortality.

Let's talk about Boll. What the young director has created here is more of a drinking game than a movie, with scenes that are not only laughably bad but also repeat themselves.

A team of soldiers blows up a hallway full of priceless artwork. (Take a drink.) Reid uses a four-syllable science word when it's clear from her confused delivery that she has no idea what it means. (Drink.) Slater utters yet another cryptic line about his fear of the dark. (Drink.)

Every casting decision, camera angle, special effect and sound seems created as a dare to leave the theater. The fight choreography appears to have been taken from an episode of "Lost in Space," the musical score sounds as if it were composed on a 1983 Casio keyboard bought at a garage sale, and even the extras seem as if they were selected for their background incompetence.

Sounds awesome. I'll look for it in the video store in about one week, then.

Poi, My Boy

It's pretty hard to read, but here's the online version of the Michigan Beer Guide's story on the poi beer concocted in my bro's basement some weeks ago. One nitpick: I scored the poi the first time we brewed. Yeah, my brother did most of the work involved in making the poi beer a (very tasty) reality, but hey, I was a little more involved than this story makes it sound. I do like being called an "evil genius" in print though. Somehow it validates me.

And, oh yeah, Rex -- let me know if you ever feel you need a copy editor for MBG (you do). I might know someone.

The Write Stuff (Ayuk)

Speaking of the Great American Novel, I sat down to finally get back to work on it tonight, but of course I am just dorking off with my blog instead. Sometimes I think the hardest part of writing is actually doing it.

I've already got all sorts of ideas about different approaches to my story -- i.e., adopting a different point of view, making some events occur before the narrative begins, changing main characters -- and I haven't even finished the first draft yet. I know what I've written has massive problems (the main one being that it sucks) but I'm going to press on to complete it before I consider any of the more radical changes kicking around in my mind.

Current Obsessions:

• "Live Again" by Better Than Ezra
  
• Dipsomaniacs in film and literature (now reading "Under the Volcano" by Malcolm Lowry)
  
• New Orleans

Someday, I Will Copyedit the Great American Novel

Those jerks at the Onion, mocking my dreams. I would argue that "pom-pom" is a perfectly acceptable variant, though. Look it up, Joanne Cohen, you ugly fictitious beeyotch!

Big Bill Is Watching You

Microsoft continues to look for new ways to get more money for its defective products.

We Don't Need No Education

Of course, there are many thousands of students in Ann Arbor, all spending tens of thousands of dollars on tuition. But they are just wasting their (and/or mom and dad's) money. Why? Because everything they need to know they could learn from Iron Maiden.

(Thanks to Greg for the link.)

Guinness Coming to Russia

At last, the long-suffering Russkies will be able to drink real brewskies.

An aside: does anyone else see a strange contradiction in this article?

The deal aims to tap into Russia's growing thirst for beer, where many still see it as a harmless soft drink.

Russian beer consumption, previously a poor second to spirits, has doubled in the past five years.

vs.

The Russian Government recently forced brewers to tone down their aggressive advertising, fearing that beer's appeal to the young could stimulate alcoholism.

In a country where they already drink more hard liquor than beer (which they view as a soft drink???), can this really be a concern? Also:

Almost one third of the beer bought in Russia is consumed immediately.

Well, what else are you supposed to do with beer? Put it in your attic as a keepsake?

(Thanks to Verd for the link.)

Props to My Boy, Lucifer

Zioptis

I remember recently someone was asking me about the number to Zioptis, the fucked-up Detroit answering machine that's been around since as long as I can remember. Well, it's (313) 274-1111. Yeah, it still works. I just called it.

Four More Years... of OZZY!!!1

Bush's daughter says it all.

Rise Up, Boozehead!

The Second Annual Modern Drunkard Convention approaches!

Big Three Execs, Suppliers, and Other Tools to Get Suites at Michigan Stadium

Er, I mean, Michigan Stadium is going to be "renovated," according to the Ann Arbor News.

Don Quixote, Call Your Office

"Bush begins new term, vows to end tyranny," says the headline from AP. Cool! Does this mean he's resigning, then?

Seriously, what sort of delusional asshole pledges the United States to "the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world"? And just what part of the Constitution authorizes this impossible dream in the first place?

You can't even parody this kind of nonsense.

What Are Americans Reading?

The answer appears to largely be "crap," to judge from the current top 10 bestsellers at Borders and Waldenbooks:

Borders

1. The Broker (John Grisham)
   
2. French Women Don't Get Fat (Mireille Guiliano)
   
3. Witness for the Prosecution (Amber Frey)
   
4. Start Late, Finish Rich (David Bach)
   
5. Blink (Malcolm Gladwell)
   
6. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
   
7. Chainfire: Sword of Truth, Book 9 (Terry Goodkind)
   
8. Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed (Jared Diamond)
   
9. America: A Guide to Democracy Inaction (Jon Stewart)
   
10. He's Just Not That Into You (Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo)

Waldenbooks

1. The Broker (John Grisham)
   
2. Witness for the Prosecution (Amber Frey)
   
3. Chainfire: Sword of Truth, Book 9 (Terry Goodkind)
   
4. Your Best Life Now (Joel Osteen)
   
5. The Da Vinci Code: Special Ilustrated Edition (Dan Brown)
   
6. He's Just Not That Into You (Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo)
   
7. The Five People You Meet in Heaven (Mitch Albom)
   
8. French Women Don't Get Fat (Mireille Guiliano)
   
9. The South Beach Diet (Arthur Agatston)
   
10. Afterburn (Zane)

Novi Is the New Royal Oak

...according to some dude in a Novi bar. Man, I bet Dearborn is gonna be pretty peeved to hear this news!

Get Winter Blasted

Tomorrow night, you can get a k-rad wristband and apparently be transported to six different downtown bars via the drunk bus. I don't know about you, but I would love to be all up in that "booty, dance and R&B music" at the Good Life Lounge. Word.

Next Stop: Iran

Since the unprovoked invasion of Iraq is going so well, it's time to attack an even bigger and more heavily armed country. Suuuure, says Paul Craig Roberts, former Treasury official and non-bullshit artist. The Seymour Hersh report on the administration's latest secretive war maneuverings he mentions can be found here.

Everybody Loves Frank

The days are numbered for "Everybody Loves Raymond." Now what they should do is make a spin-off show based around Peter Boyle's jerk father character. That would be cool.

Remember That Detroit Budget Crisis?

The city needs more tax dollars for more important projects like this.

Another Slice of Cheese

The free room today yielded more treasure: "Murder in the Red Barn" and "The Face at the Window." Time for some 1930s-style cheese!

Slack Off and Live Longer

Is laziness the key to a long life? I'll let you know in, say, 2072.

Wife Swapping

A woman of refined grace and rare beauty be representin' for Taylortucky on national TV. The Detroit News has the scoop on the latest episode of "Wife Swap," one of many dumb-ass "reality" shows. And check them pink slippers. That's Taylor class, right there.

Yo, Yo, Yo Bitches and Hos

An Ann Arbor DJ gets canned for playing a rockabilly song about a woman stuffed in the trunk of a car. By this logic, shouldn't all rap DJs be fired for, well, playing virtually any rap song?

Jell-O Pudding Pops, Mmm

The Cos tells Detroit to get its act together.

Note to Self

Don't stay out until 3am drinking on a school night.

I'm Not Making This Up

Everyone but me probably already knew this, but Dave Barry quit his column.

Lake Butthead

Uh huh huh huh, check this cool story out, Beavis.

Sacred Cow Targeted for Ballot Burger

Today's Ann Arbor News reports on the latest movement to outlaw racial favoritism in state hiring and university admissions. This will no doubt have the Usual Suspects in a tizzy, although the news story includes a quote from Carl Cohen, a UM professor who favors the initative but who would otherwise probably identify himself as a liberal. I saw Cohen speak a few years ago here on a symposium on the subject and was impressed by his articulate defense of academic standards and his expose of how UM played racial games with its admissions policies. (As readers may recall, the U.S. Supreme Court subsequently issued a fairly incomprehensible ruling about the constitutionality of UM's various shenanigans in 2003.)

Anyway, who knows if this movement will go anywhere. Even if a ballot measure passes, the tried-and-true liberal method of suppressing the kind of democracy liberals don't like via the courts will immediately kick in. I guess it's good this particular honky is out of school and not looking for a government job.

Well, It's No Rockery

The Detroit News discovers The Tap Room:

"It has a great ambiance," [about a quart, right?] says Macomb Community College student Aaron Francis, 21, of Grosse Pointe Woods. "It has an amber taste, from the lighting, to the wood on the tables, to the beer in the glass. It's where youth meets the crossroads of time."

Ooh, I bet he reads The Economist.

The RIAA's Next Target?

Podcasting is gaining in popularity.

Hurk? Hurk? What's Hurk?

I just finished reading my first William Faulkner novel, "If I Forget Thee, Jerusalem," and whilst surfing the Web looking for -- well, let's be blunt -- clues to what it was really about, I came across a few versions of this cool quotation from the man himself:

It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.

or

You can't eat for eight hours a day, nor drink for eight hours a day, nor make love for eight hours a day—all you can do for eight hours a day is work. Which is the reason why man makes himself and everybody else so miserable and unhappy.

Either way, who can argue?

Weird Scenes Inside the Cheese Mine...

I struck gold in the freebie room at work today, retrieving three awesome-looking classics on DVD:

1. "Teenagers from Outer Space" (1959) – Three Martian teens land on Earth to conquer it and find food for their monstrous pets, the Gargons. One decides he'd rather stay here and fit in; the other two don't agree. Will the Earth become a grazing ground? In this legendary low-budget sci-fi classic, director Tom Graeff (who also served as producer, screenwriter, cinematographer, editor, musical director, and actor) used lobster shadows to portray the Gargons. Sounds great! Was he related to Ed Wood?
   
   
2. "First Spaceship on Venus" (1960) – When a strange magnetic spool is discovered in Siberia, scientists determine its origins: the planet Venus. A crew of astronauts is sent there to learn more. Meanwhile, experts attempt to decode the spool's message and determine why Venus is utterly silent. Based on a novel by sci-fi master Stanislaw Lem (Solaris), this is a movie with a message and a rare (for the time) multinational cast including a Japanese woman (Yoko Tani) and an African man (Julius Ongewe). This one sounds kind of interesting, as it's an East German production and I've never seen a Soviet-style sci-fi movie before. (As if I knew the commies made any such thing in the first place.)
   
   
3. "The Killer Must Kill Again" (1975) – A rich womanizer (George Hilton) plans to murder his wife. He blackmails a man into doing the evil deed for him. The car with the murdered woman's corpse is stolen by a pair of joyriders. The vicious killer sets off in pursuit—with more than just murder on his mind this time. Oh boy, this one isn't even due to be released until January 25. I am so cool.
   

Well, I'll pass these along to my good friend Dr. Cheese and see what he has to say. Maybe others would like to watch with him?

More Novel

My slacking-off month of December has expired, and I'm getting ready to resume working on my Great American Unfinished Novel. To that end, I've posted lengthy excerpts from the last three chapters, which should bring the narrative up to date for anyone actually reading it. It strikes me, in actually slowing down to read it, how much sex there is in this story. I know it's about an extramarital affair, but I suppose there's more than a hint of sublimation involved. Oh well, I don't make any apologies for it. It's not like I am writing cheesy, graphic descriptions or anything. Just cheesy emotions and stuff. Anyway, you know you want to go read it so I won't stop you.

Season of Hollow Soul

You all are privileged to have this front row seat in watching me go slowly, quietly mad and drink myself to death.

Ok, I'm too much of a pussy ever to drink myself to death. (God bless you, Dylan Thomas.) But going mad -- well, there's far less of a voluntary nature to that, I imagine.

Four Days Off

I'm in the midst of four days off from work with nothing much to do. I'm not sure when the last time something like this happened, but one thing I've noticed is how quickly my body and mind have reverted to my natural rhythm of staying up really late and sleeping through most of the day. It's been many years since regular employment has forced me to keep a standard "business hours" kind of clock, but underneath it all I've always felt the oppressiveness of getting up when I don't want to as well as going to bed when I don't want to. And two crummy days off each weekend has never been enough to snap me back to my natural clock. But four days apparently is. For example, last night I went to bed around 4:30am and today I got up at 2pm. And tonight, despite feeling very sleepy and napping around 9pm, I expect I'll be up several more hours before hitting the sack. So I guess the lesson to be drawn is that I'm half-vampire or something.

We All Need the Eggs

"Annie Hall" (1977) is deservedly one of Woody Allen's most well known and well regarded movies. It was on the tube tonight and, as often happens, I couldn't resist watching it again. It's horribly dated and dopey, but I still have a fond spot for it in my movie lover's heart. It really was brilliant in its time, a fact that's easy to gloss over almost 30 years later when the grab bag of Woody tricks and gags has become so old hat no haberdasher would come near it. (Ok, stupid joke, but hat blocking is also an old Woody joke, too.)

Sadly, Woody hasn't been able to produce anything so bold, funny, and bittersweet in many a year. I mean, "Hollywood Ending," "The Curse of the Jade Scorpion," and "Anything Else" just don't cut it. For the real goods, you need to look at "Stardust Memories," "Love and Death," or "The Purple Rose of Cairo" for classic, intelligent filmmaking from the Woodmeister.

Some people love his movies. Some hate them. Some just say he's a damn child molestor bordering on incestuous pervert. Well, I don't have any comment on the choices he's made in his personal life. But when his movies were good, they were spot on. As for his more recent output, well, I'd rather see what he does with a clarinet in one of his jazz performances. It has to be more lively and entertaining.

Beer Rocks

A "professor of brewing science" (now there's a job) illuminates the connection between beer and geology in this New York Times article.

Hey, Look, It's 2005

Whoa, it happened. It's a new year.

In celebration, I roamed downtown Ann Arbor tonight by my lonesome -- Arbor Brewing, the Firefly, the Oddball -- like a barfly version of Cheever's swimmer, attempting to cross the county bar by bar, only to end up at home, same as always. But at least the place wasn't shuttered; there's nothing and no one waiting to abandon me. Anyway, for some reason, I have no trouble meeting random dudes when I go out. (Tonight's random dude was "Todd.") That's fine; I like shooting the bull with random people. But I just gotta say it: Why are they never female people?

Well, here's to a swell 2005.

Current obsessions:
"Adia" by Sarah McLachlan
G.K. Chesterton
New Orleans