Tuesday, September 04, 2007

I, For One, Welcome Our New Mountaineer Overlords

I love to root for underdogs. There's always that little bit of satisfaction when you see some unlikely upstart David fell a mighty, arrogant Goliath. I always root for David; it's my name, after all.

Except for Saturday.

It's a great little-school-that-could story -- except when you're a Michigan fan. When you're a Michigan fan, you're instead faced with the daunting prospect of remaining silent while every Sparty, Bucknut, and SEC supremacist mocks your team and gloats over your misery. For the next 10 years.

Because what is there to say when your guys, favorites to win their conference and alleged national contenders, are soundly beaten -- at home, no less -- by the motherfucking Jim Bob Norman All Stars?

There's nothing to say, so instead I will talk about…

The Five Stages of Dealing with the Most Embarrassing Loss Ever in the Glorious 128-Year History of Michigan Football

(With apologies to the late Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.)

  1. Disbelief. Despite sweating your ass off for 3 and 1/2 hours at Michigan Stadium, your face toasted red from the sun, you're pretty sure you couldn't have seen what you just saw. As you silently file out of the stadium to walk home, you half-expect to spy Bigfoot flying a UFO over Ann Arbor, using his tractor beam to abduct the Loch Ness monster from the Huron River. You really need to stay away from the brown acid before football games.

  2. Rage. Fuck! That was Bigfoot. And he's totally fucking up the Huron River ecosystem with his ungodly, asshole experiments! By the way, maybe all those angry fans who have been calling for Lloyd Carr's balls on a spit since 1997 have a small point. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FUCKING LOSE AT HOME TO A FUCKING DIVISION I-AA SCHOOL WITH THE MOST HIDEOUS FUCKING PROMO AD EVER FUCKING RECORDED? FUCK!

    Mike Valenti, by comparison, is a calming voice.

  3. Mild hope. Wait, that game was broadcast on the Big Ten Network, which is received by approximately 13 households. Maybe nobody saw it. And it was an out-of-conference loss, so maybe we could still win the Big Ten. Hell, one-loss teams can still compete for a national championship. Florida did it last year. Maybe this season can still be salvaged...

  4. Total despair. What? CNN interrupted its coverage of deadly hurricanes and confirmed sightings of Bigfoot piloting a UFO to announce that Appalachian State had beaten Michigan in Ann Arbor? Lou Holth is laughing through his spit on E-ETH-PN? It's on the front page of The New York Times? Fox Sports is re-broadcasting the game so more than 13 people can see it? The book and movie contracts are already being prepared? No poll voter will take Michigan seriously again this year? Shit. I guess there's nothing left but...

  5. Konyagi. Were you thinking it was time for "acceptance"? Fuck that. It's time for the drink of the Tanzanian People. And it's time to make it your drink. Often. Cheers, motherfuckers.
The final stage: Konyagi
The final stage. Lime and glass very optional.