Getting to Know Me

So yeah, someone at work sent me one of those emails with the five billion stupid questions that you are supposed to answer and send to all your friends so you can get to know them better or something. I'm too lazy to perpetuate this farce, so I'm posting my answers below and my damn friends can come and look for themselves.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.

2. Diamonds or pearls?
I like a big-ass gold chain like all my other niggaz.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Factotum.

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Off the air: Arrested Development; still going: Lost

5. What did you have for breakfast?
Breakfast is a waste of valuable sleeping time.

6.What is your middle name?
Awesome.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Meat.

8. What foods do you dislike?
Vegetables.

9. Your favorite potato chip?
Ruffles have ridges!

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
Stolen Babies, There Be Squabbles Ahead.

11. What kind of car do you drive?
My new super-secret prototype Ferrari; it gets .5 miles to the gallon but it's a sweet-ass ride.

12. Favorite sandwich?
Would involve roast beef and cheese in some way.

13. What characteristics do you despise?
People who ask too many damn questions.

14. Favorite item of clothing?
Scarlett Johansson's birthday suit.

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
Greece, maybe, or Tanzania... oh wait, I AM going to Tanzania, bitches!

16. What color is your bathroom?
Who cares?

17. Favorite brand of clothing?
Any as long as it's made by oppressed 10-year-old orphan slave girls.

18. Where would you want to retire to?
Probably New Orleans, if I don't get there sooner.

19. Favorite time of day?
Happy hour.

20. Where were you born?
Somewhere in Michigan.

21. Favorite sport to watch?
Footbaw.

22. Who do you least expect to send this back?
Your mom.

23. Person you expect to send it back first?
My mom.

24. What laundry detergent do you use?
Tide.

25. Are you a morning person or night owl?
If I were ruler of the world, morning would be banned.

[Note: In case you're wondering, the stupid email skipped 26 and I'm not renumbering this crap.]

27. What size shoe do you wear?
See if you can guess it when I put my foot in your ass.

28. Do you have pets?
There is a tie for the title of Awesomest Cat in the World and it's between my two boys.

29. Any news you'd like to share with everyone?
I rule.

30. What did you want to be when you were little?
I always wanted to spend 40 hours of my life every week in a shitty cubicle staring at a computer screen -- guess I got my wish.

31. Favorite candy?
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, I guess.

32. What is your best childhood memory?
Being molested by "Uncle" Buster... I rocked his world.

33. What are the different jobs you've had?
They all sucked.

34. Nicknames:
Ruler, King, etc.

35. Piercing?
My gaze is.

36. Eye color?
Some kinda greenish gray thing.

37. Ever been to Africa?
Technically, yes -- Morocco.

38. Ever been toilet papering?
Every morning after I TCB.

39. Love someone so much it made you cry?
Why the hell would I ever admit this?

40. Been in a car accident?
No.

41. Favorite restaurant?
Still looking for it.

42. Favorite ice cream?
Cookies 'n' Cream.

43. Favorite flower?
Hey, I'm not gay so how about I list my favorite American Gladiator or something instead.

44. Disney or Warner Brothers?
They suck.

45. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Don't have one.

[Note: Someone still can't count.]

47. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
After that woman got out of the hospital and I performed 4369 hours of community service, they let me pass.

48. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email?
How many damn questions are there?

49. Which store would you choose to max out your credit cards?
Credit cards are for wimps.

50. What do you do most often when you are bored?
Answer a lot of dumb questions.

51. Bedtime?
No earlier than midnight.

52. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire?
No one.

53. Last person you went to dinner with?
Me.

54. What are you listening to right now?
The sound of people other than me working.

55. What is your favorite color?
Blue.

56. Lake, ocean, or river?
Lake Michigan... oceans suck.

57. How many tattoos do you have?
Let me pull down my pants and show you.

58. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Shut up.

59. How many people are you sending this email to?
Probably none since my friends would punch me in the face for sending this.

60. Who sent this to you and what is something you learned about them?
Kris, who apparently wastes as much time at work as I do.

61. What materialistic thing would you ask for if you had one wish?
A different hot nymphomaniac every night. All of whom were rich. And owned breweries.

62. Time you finished this email?
Suck it.