Wednesday, April 05, 2006

A Tale of Two Daves

Here is a riddle for you all. Let's say there are two single guys, about the same age (mid-30s), both named Dave. They live in the same town, a place we'll call Arbor Ann. It breaks down like this:

Dave #1

  • Never been married, has no kids
  • Lives alone with pets
  • Employed full-time in a regular job
  • Modest income, has no debt, not even car payments
  • Pays bills on time, good credit rating
  • Intelligent, articulate, well read
  • A bit shy, but enjoys good conversation and good company
  • Likes to host parties and hang out with friends and drink, but usually keeps it in perspective (has never affected his job or other obligations)
  • Mostly stable and dependable
  • Wears glasses, has a beer belly, not grossly overweight or ugly
  • Wants to be a novelist
Dave #2
  • Never been married, has a child with previous gal pal (who has custody)
  • Lives with roommates, after being kicked out (and/or taken to court by) two previous sets of roommates/landlords
  • Has been fired from three of last four jobs, with the fourth probably only a matter of time
  • Perpetually broke, owes money to practically everyone foolish enough to house him or "lend" him anything
  • In fact, needs his mother to co-sign for him just to get a cell phone
  • In fact, still owes Dave #1 $275 from when he bailed him out of jail a year ago for not paying child support
  • In fact, his own parents won't give him any more money
  • Fairly intelligent but has underdeveloped conscience, sense of responsibility, and work ethic
  • Possibly a borderline alcoholic
  • Given to bursts of childish emotionalism
  • Outgoing, occasionally charming, above-average looks
  • Career plan involves outliving his parents, hopefully inheriting money
Now, dear readers, the riddle. Which Dave gets laid all over town and which Dave has not had a date since 2004?

Hint #1: That first part about getting laid all over town, it's not Dave #1.

Hint #2: Dave #1 is me.

Hint #3: Dave #2 is indeed a real person, no exaggerating.

Give up? Of course Dave #2 gets laid all over town and Dave #1 can't get the time of day! Dave #2 is better looking, see? Duh!

If you guessed right, you either know how to think like a typical stupid woman, or else you are one!* Hooray!

* If the latter, before you ask, yes, I can give you Dave #2's phone number (if his cell phone hasn't been taken away again) -- just shoot me an email. Sigh.