Wednesday, May 28, 2003

Down with Lawnatics!

Ok, so it's warm out for a change and I'm sitting outside on the balcony sipping a Celis White and doing my blog thing.

Nice, right?

Well, yes and no. It is very nice to be able to sit outside and take the Internet with me, yes, of course. But the trouble is that every time I sit out here, peacefully publishing crap to the Web, some asshole invariably comes along to deafen me with his maniacal lawn obsession.

I understand that one cannot reasonably expect quiet solitude all the time when one is sitting outside near a suburban neighborhood. But the ongoing cacophony is caused by the same damn guy. He spends what seems like hours making a near-constant racket with various obnoxious lawn implements -- so much racket I can't hear the radio six feet away from me over the din -- and he does this every f*@#ing day.

Right now he is running my favorite, what I call the lawn vacuum. It's actually some kind of leaf blower thing that he uses -- I think, but I'm not sure -- to blow away blades left on the sidewalk after he's done using his loud-ass edger. But it sounds like a vacuum cleaner and he runs it for what seems like 45 minutes to an hour. To no apparent real purpose. (As I write this, he is just wandering around the middle of the street with it, scrutinizing the grass near the curb.)

And it doesn't matter if he made tons of noise all yesterday evening mowing his lawn. He'll still come out today and spend several clangorous hours using gasoline powered nail clippers to trim the occasional blade the mower missed. And the next day, more commotion with some other infernal and superfluous grass manicuring item.

Because a lawnatic's work is never done.

God save me from these noise-polluting bastards.