Happy Halloween!

Enjoy your scary-ass self with some "Dawn of the Dead" zombies knitted out of yarn.

Not frightening enough? OK, try the old 30-second bunny take on "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

Still not scared? Oh all right, study these two pictures carefully -- see if you can spot the differences between them. (Bet you can't.)

Boo, and stuff!

Spam Arbor?

It seems another Ann Arborite was the runner-up in a spam poetry competition from a few years ago. Of course, my awesome poem kicks the hell out of her amateurish effort, though I will say in fairness that I'm sure the art has advanced in the past few years. I bet today she is cranking out much better spametry. Maybe we should form a "writers" group of our own? Naaa...

Look Out, Vogons

I've finally completed my great spam epic, a poem composed entirely of a month's worth of cryptic and/or asinine spam email subject lines. The few changes I've made include a couple spelling fixes; deletion of any re:, fwd:, or string of random characters; and some alterations in punctuation. Other than that, this magnificent bit of poesy is entirely thanks to the pointless crap that's stunk up my email inbox for the past month. Each line was used once; repeated lines were received multiple times. So, without further ado:

Of Change So Naught Combative

By Patti Weir, Guy Cassidy, Ella Daugherty, Corey Ventura, Shannon O'Brien, Ali Frederick, Magdalena Cortez, Kurtis Barton, Freddy Briggs, Johnny Fox, Ollie Witt, Antone Oakley, Doug Morse, Shelia Boone, Odis Worley, Rate Tracker, Lane Cleveland, Cathryn Perkins, Richard Maynard, Cara George, Roseann Polk, Jarrett Chappell, Mary Chan, Russel Blackwell, Millicent Lowery, Alex Talley, Cleveland Irvin, Carlos Hollis, Martin Moseley, Andrew Frederick, Candy Helms, Fredrick Jordan, Lucy Spangler, Dorothea Downs, The Prospector, Vonda King, Stephanie Williamson, Amelia Chavez, Glickman, Margaret Horner, Andrew Guerra, Ann Cash, Deborah Meyer, Peter Williams, Kelsey Haywood, Desmond Pritchard, Gale Pendleton, Rosalinda Cross, Ashley Dixon, Randal Lehman, Leta Keith, Good Advice, Ryan Boone, Eddy Palacios, Roger Deleon, Deb Parker, Delores Livingston, Dewey Hale, Finkelstein, Blanca Melendez, Adolph Brooks, Paul Richardson, Tommie Oullette, Janelle Sneed, Margarito Reyna, Marciela Dubois, Tia Jacobs, Rachael Connors, Bennett Gage, Garrett Barrow, Iva Wilkins, Bertha Hedrick, Lazaro Feldman, Mauro Williamson, Burton Browne, Noelle Macias, Jayla Barlow, Tabitha Hogue, Emily Thomas, Merle Villanueva, Brenda Bruce, Gersh, Deborah Quinn, Lawrence Kirk, The Career News, Efren Jefferson, Ronald Langston, Brianna Chacon, Abrahams, Emily North, Lina Brock, Glenna Hoskins, The Advisors, Marvin Painter, Penny Howell, Freud, Jess Hammer, Vaughn Hare, Luann Chatman, Deirdre Montoya, Mattie Bruce, Tammi Johns, Blanch Huff, The Experts, Morgan Kincaid, Out of Liabilities, Gottlieb, and Aurelia Hensley

Composed by Dave

I. He Teach My Fickle Harry

Of change so naught combative,
To swim by radius,
In comb so catwalk runnel;
Be fly my downstairs etiolate,
But have do suppository.

He teach my fickle Harry
In talk by statistician;
The first time,
With bring in walking airlane,
On listen or hallmark gong,
It learn the glassblower lutenist.

Women inside your district!
Let's meet up again soon.
Electronic movie camcorder meeting?
Secret meetings,
But reply so officially.

Regenerate your intimate aliveness;
Don't be lonely once more?

II. I Change By Furrier

I just found out about her,
No want so downcast bolster,
To spell so commutative effects,
Her sit do coloration gifted.

Check it out, man;
I change by furrier.
Impress her with a Rolex.
The first time ingrown tipple,
Be fill as siphon amuck.

I just found out about her wold hide,
But close no smear
Of shut of carious foggy,
By hear as inhumanity feudatory.

Babes inside your neighborhood,
Do you love me or not?
A say as phallic,
Of fit as tiny,
Which turnoff go fact undulation.

Contribute substantial flavoring to your liveliness!
Never be isolated once more?

III. You Count My Sentinel

Get it straight.
Achieving a strong erection in 15 minutes is easy as 1-2-3,
So, why go to your local drugstore?

Regenerate your sexual living?
Experience more powerful orgasms.

Restore your sexual experience?
His comb the mammon woodwind,
I cut go public receptacle.

Knelt naked,
Patrolling fool,
Deterring, deterring,
Are bring the buggery.

Are you liquid?
You start an unclean.
You buy or retreat.
You count my sentinel.
You are so good to me.

Babes within your region?
Warranted meetings at present!
Add important flavoring to your living!
Don't be lonely again?

IV. Servitor Astrology

Why waste time and extra money?
My buy of contrivance
Have read he patent effusive.

Be cough no hour,
But hear on weltanschauung,
On watch do gibbous,
Or hurt the conjuror.

Go dance an briefing encouragement
That begin do nexus,
To dance, to think, clink,
With say he invoke:
My shut is prohibition,
Was borrow on infantile.

Save money!
Rates will skyrocket soon.
Not say on matey undulation
Or try at courteous monetary,
At fall in tactical suspect.

These shares poised for a run?
He look he decision makings;
It cancel do earlier commission—
Ratio regret,
Servitor astrology.

Don't expose your intimate life!
Buy cheap prescriptions online.
We offer a fast-track repeat prescription service.

V. Foodstuff Pushbutton

Need a change or unhappy in your job?
Degrees based on your knowledge
Is hear be punnet.

Epigenetic newspaper,
Don't expose your intimate life!

Setup endoderm,
Ensured meetups at present!

McKay Doubleday,
Regenerate your intimate aliveness!

Foodstuff pushbutton
Is drive he divine.

Bubble bosonic,
Board nutritive,
Don't expose your intimate life!
Supply substantial spiciness to your existence!
Ensured dates at the moment;
Don't be isolated once again?

Contribute considerable spice to your aliveness?
Instant branded software download
Was make on convoke.

Assured meetings currently?
Don't expose your intimate life!

Warranted meetups currently!
Never be lonely once again?
Never be lonely once more.

Obligatory Pet Picture Posting

Not that anyone really cares, but here's a picture of Sam and Max* passed out on the La-Z-Boy after a hard day of meowing and jumping on stuff:



* Not to be confused (much) with Sam and Max, Freelance Police.

Stupid Beer News

Two items this time, courtesy of Greg:

Anheuser-Busch introduces its own pumpkin beer, Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale. I haven't seen or tried it, but since it's A-B I have to assume it tastes more like Jack's Pumpkin Ass Ale.

And this beer from Seattle apparently tastes like another part of the body. There are so many jokes to be made about this I don't know where to start.

No One Told Me

Famous singer David Hasslehoff finally gets the Internet trend he deserves: Hoffing.

(Link pilfered from the always reliable DataWhat.)

Big Brother Is Watching Your Printer

Does anyone else find ominous this news story about laser printers with secret government tracking mechanisms in them? Seriously, I was thinking of getting a new laser printer, but I think I'll stick with my 1993 model for a while longer.

Zombies, Man... They Creep Me Out

Today's the big day! The unrated, deluxe, k-rad director's cut of "Land of the Dead" released on DVD, and naturally my purchased copy is already sitting next to me as my trembling hands type these words. Unfortunately, I have to finish up some freelance work before I can pop it into the ol' Apex, but I will watch it tonight, dammit.

In the meantime, Dr. Cheese has been busy commenting on "Creep" and pooping on "I Drink Your Blood."

We Missed You, Hissed the Lovecats

I'm back from my vacation in San Francisco (dumb pics coming soon), and I was rather surprised to discover that my two cats actually seemed to have missed me. Now, I'm not totally naive; I know there are ulterior motives behind a lot of cat behavior, but they were so cuddly and stuff I really think they were showing me affection. So I continue to feel my decision to grant them a "cat variance" was justified. They don't suck.

Le Docteur du Fromage Est a la Maison

First up in CheeseFest 2005 is "Let Sleeping Corpses Lie," a heartwarming tale of, well, you can probably guess. Dr. Cheese gives his opinion.

Stupid Beer News

Yes, at long last SBN has returned. There's only one item this time, but, gee, it's so awesome, it's gonna revolutionize the way we get drunk, or something. The beermat that signals bartenders when your glass is empty has been, not surprisingly, developed by two German students in Munich.

Next up: a napkin that signals your waitress when you need more bratwurst.

(Thanks to Verd for the link.)