One Good Thing About Winter

It kills the insects. Otherwise, they might get big enough to eat frogs.

Advertise This!

It looks like the backlash is starting against one of my blood-boiling pet peeves: commercials in movie theatres. Increasingly, my solution is to stay out of the theatre altogether. (Of course, that may be mainly because there are very few movies I ever feel like paying $9 or $10 to see.)

Other pre-movie commercial hatred can be found here and here.

Uwe Boll Is the New Ed Wood

"Alone in the Dark," a movie allegedly based on the cool early 1990s video game of the same name, opened in theatres today. I say allegedly because the guy responsible for bringing this film to the masses is none other than Uwe Boll, the German schmuck who inflicted the execrable "House of the Dead" (that's right, another video game movie) on an unsuspecting moviegoing public in 2003.

But to judge from the reviews, "Alone in the Dark" looks to be even better than "House of the Dead." The fact that at least half a dozen reviewers have explicitly compared Uwe Boll's "work" to Ed Wood's pretty much guarantees that I will see this masterpiece at some point, that point being when I can rent it for a dollar.

Here's a taste from the San Francisco Chronicle:

"Alone in the Dark" is the best Ed Wood movie never made. It fails so miserably as both an action and horror picture that it succeeds as a comedy. It's a film so mind-blowingly horrible that it teeters on the edge of cinematic immortality.

Let's talk about Boll. What the young director has created here is more of a drinking game than a movie, with scenes that are not only laughably bad but also repeat themselves.

A team of soldiers blows up a hallway full of priceless artwork. (Take a drink.) Reid uses a four-syllable science word when it's clear from her confused delivery that she has no idea what it means. (Drink.) Slater utters yet another cryptic line about his fear of the dark. (Drink.)

Every casting decision, camera angle, special effect and sound seems created as a dare to leave the theater. The fight choreography appears to have been taken from an episode of "Lost in Space," the musical score sounds as if it were composed on a 1983 Casio keyboard bought at a garage sale, and even the extras seem as if they were selected for their background incompetence.

Sounds awesome. I'll look for it in the video store in about one week, then.

Poi, My Boy

It's pretty hard to read, but here's the online version of the Michigan Beer Guide's story on the poi beer concocted in my bro's basement some weeks ago. One nitpick: I scored the poi the first time we brewed. Yeah, my brother did most of the work involved in making the poi beer a (very tasty) reality, but hey, I was a little more involved than this story makes it sound. I do like being called an "evil genius" in print though. Somehow it validates me.

And, oh yeah, Rex -- let me know if you ever feel you need a copy editor for MBG (you do). I might know someone.

The Write Stuff (Ayuk)

Speaking of the Great American Novel, I sat down to finally get back to work on it tonight, but of course I am just dorking off with my blog instead. Sometimes I think the hardest part of writing is actually doing it.

I've already got all sorts of ideas about different approaches to my story -- i.e., adopting a different point of view, making some events occur before the narrative begins, changing main characters -- and I haven't even finished the first draft yet. I know what I've written has massive problems (the main one being that it sucks) but I'm going to press on to complete it before I consider any of the more radical changes kicking around in my mind.

Current Obsessions:

• "Live Again" by Better Than Ezra
  
• Dipsomaniacs in film and literature (now reading "Under the Volcano" by Malcolm Lowry)
  
• New Orleans

Someday, I Will Copyedit the Great American Novel

Those jerks at the Onion, mocking my dreams. I would argue that "pom-pom" is a perfectly acceptable variant, though. Look it up, Joanne Cohen, you ugly fictitious beeyotch!

Big Bill Is Watching You

Microsoft continues to look for new ways to get more money for its defective products.

We Don't Need No Education

Of course, there are many thousands of students in Ann Arbor, all spending tens of thousands of dollars on tuition. But they are just wasting their (and/or mom and dad's) money. Why? Because everything they need to know they could learn from Iron Maiden.

(Thanks to Greg for the link.)

Guinness Coming to Russia

At last, the long-suffering Russkies will be able to drink real brewskies.

An aside: does anyone else see a strange contradiction in this article?

The deal aims to tap into Russia's growing thirst for beer, where many still see it as a harmless soft drink.

Russian beer consumption, previously a poor second to spirits, has doubled in the past five years.

vs.

The Russian Government recently forced brewers to tone down their aggressive advertising, fearing that beer's appeal to the young could stimulate alcoholism.

In a country where they already drink more hard liquor than beer (which they view as a soft drink???), can this really be a concern? Also:

Almost one third of the beer bought in Russia is consumed immediately.

Well, what else are you supposed to do with beer? Put it in your attic as a keepsake?

(Thanks to Verd for the link.)

Props to My Boy, Lucifer

Zioptis

I remember recently someone was asking me about the number to Zioptis, the fucked-up Detroit answering machine that's been around since as long as I can remember. Well, it's (313) 274-1111. Yeah, it still works. I just called it.

Four More Years... of OZZY!!!1

Bush's daughter says it all.

Rise Up, Boozehead!

The Second Annual Modern Drunkard Convention approaches!

Big Three Execs, Suppliers, and Other Tools to Get Suites at Michigan Stadium

Er, I mean, Michigan Stadium is going to be "renovated," according to the Ann Arbor News.

Don Quixote, Call Your Office

"Bush begins new term, vows to end tyranny," says the headline from AP. Cool! Does this mean he's resigning, then?

Seriously, what sort of delusional asshole pledges the United States to "the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world"? And just what part of the Constitution authorizes this impossible dream in the first place?

You can't even parody this kind of nonsense.

What Are Americans Reading?

The answer appears to largely be "crap," to judge from the current top 10 bestsellers at Borders and Waldenbooks:

Borders

1. The Broker (John Grisham)
   
2. French Women Don't Get Fat (Mireille Guiliano)
   
3. Witness for the Prosecution (Amber Frey)
   
4. Start Late, Finish Rich (David Bach)
   
5. Blink (Malcolm Gladwell)
   
6. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
   
7. Chainfire: Sword of Truth, Book 9 (Terry Goodkind)
   
8. Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed (Jared Diamond)
   
9. America: A Guide to Democracy Inaction (Jon Stewart)
   
10. He's Just Not That Into You (Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo)

Waldenbooks

1. The Broker (John Grisham)
   
2. Witness for the Prosecution (Amber Frey)
   
3. Chainfire: Sword of Truth, Book 9 (Terry Goodkind)
   
4. Your Best Life Now (Joel Osteen)
   
5. The Da Vinci Code: Special Ilustrated Edition (Dan Brown)
   
6. He's Just Not That Into You (Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo)
   
7. The Five People You Meet in Heaven (Mitch Albom)
   
8. French Women Don't Get Fat (Mireille Guiliano)
   
9. The South Beach Diet (Arthur Agatston)
   
10. Afterburn (Zane)

Novi Is the New Royal Oak

...according to some dude in a Novi bar. Man, I bet Dearborn is gonna be pretty peeved to hear this news!

Get Winter Blasted

Tomorrow night, you can get a k-rad wristband and apparently be transported to six different downtown bars via the drunk bus. I don't know about you, but I would love to be all up in that "booty, dance and R&B music" at the Good Life Lounge. Word.

Next Stop: Iran

Since the unprovoked invasion of Iraq is going so well, it's time to attack an even bigger and more heavily armed country. Suuuure, says Paul Craig Roberts, former Treasury official and non-bullshit artist. The Seymour Hersh report on the administration's latest secretive war maneuverings he mentions can be found here.

Everybody Loves Frank

The days are numbered for "Everybody Loves Raymond." Now what they should do is make a spin-off show based around Peter Boyle's jerk father character. That would be cool.

Remember That Detroit Budget Crisis?

The city needs more tax dollars for more important projects like this.

Another Slice of Cheese

The free room today yielded more treasure: "Murder in the Red Barn" and "The Face at the Window." Time for some 1930s-style cheese!

Slack Off and Live Longer

Is laziness the key to a long life? I'll let you know in, say, 2072.

Wife Swapping

A woman of refined grace and rare beauty be representin' for Taylortucky on national TV. The Detroit News has the scoop on the latest episode of "Wife Swap," one of many dumb-ass "reality" shows. And check them pink slippers. That's Taylor class, right there.

Yo, Yo, Yo Bitches and Hos

An Ann Arbor DJ gets canned for playing a rockabilly song about a woman stuffed in the trunk of a car. By this logic, shouldn't all rap DJs be fired for, well, playing virtually any rap song?

Jell-O Pudding Pops, Mmm

The Cos tells Detroit to get its act together.

Note to Self

Don't stay out until 3am drinking on a school night.

I'm Not Making This Up

Everyone but me probably already knew this, but Dave Barry quit his column.

Lake Butthead

Uh huh huh huh, check this cool story out, Beavis.

Sacred Cow Targeted for Ballot Burger

Today's Ann Arbor News reports on the latest movement to outlaw racial favoritism in state hiring and university admissions. This will no doubt have the Usual Suspects in a tizzy, although the news story includes a quote from Carl Cohen, a UM professor who favors the initative but who would otherwise probably identify himself as a liberal. I saw Cohen speak a few years ago here on a symposium on the subject and was impressed by his articulate defense of academic standards and his expose of how UM played racial games with its admissions policies. (As readers may recall, the U.S. Supreme Court subsequently issued a fairly incomprehensible ruling about the constitutionality of UM's various shenanigans in 2003.)

Anyway, who knows if this movement will go anywhere. Even if a ballot measure passes, the tried-and-true liberal method of suppressing the kind of democracy liberals don't like via the courts will immediately kick in. I guess it's good this particular honky is out of school and not looking for a government job.

Well, It's No Rockery

The Detroit News discovers The Tap Room:

"It has a great ambiance," [about a quart, right?] says Macomb Community College student Aaron Francis, 21, of Grosse Pointe Woods. "It has an amber taste, from the lighting, to the wood on the tables, to the beer in the glass. It's where youth meets the crossroads of time."

Ooh, I bet he reads The Economist.

The RIAA's Next Target?

Podcasting is gaining in popularity.

Hurk? Hurk? What's Hurk?

I just finished reading my first William Faulkner novel, "If I Forget Thee, Jerusalem," and whilst surfing the Web looking for -- well, let's be blunt -- clues to what it was really about, I came across a few versions of this cool quotation from the man himself:

It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.

or

You can't eat for eight hours a day, nor drink for eight hours a day, nor make love for eight hours a day—all you can do for eight hours a day is work. Which is the reason why man makes himself and everybody else so miserable and unhappy.

Either way, who can argue?

Weird Scenes Inside the Cheese Mine...

I struck gold in the freebie room at work today, retrieving three awesome-looking classics on DVD:

1. "Teenagers from Outer Space" (1959) – Three Martian teens land on Earth to conquer it and find food for their monstrous pets, the Gargons. One decides he'd rather stay here and fit in; the other two don't agree. Will the Earth become a grazing ground? In this legendary low-budget sci-fi classic, director Tom Graeff (who also served as producer, screenwriter, cinematographer, editor, musical director, and actor) used lobster shadows to portray the Gargons. Sounds great! Was he related to Ed Wood?
   
   
2. "First Spaceship on Venus" (1960) – When a strange magnetic spool is discovered in Siberia, scientists determine its origins: the planet Venus. A crew of astronauts is sent there to learn more. Meanwhile, experts attempt to decode the spool's message and determine why Venus is utterly silent. Based on a novel by sci-fi master Stanislaw Lem (Solaris), this is a movie with a message and a rare (for the time) multinational cast including a Japanese woman (Yoko Tani) and an African man (Julius Ongewe). This one sounds kind of interesting, as it's an East German production and I've never seen a Soviet-style sci-fi movie before. (As if I knew the commies made any such thing in the first place.)
   
   
3. "The Killer Must Kill Again" (1975) – A rich womanizer (George Hilton) plans to murder his wife. He blackmails a man into doing the evil deed for him. The car with the murdered woman's corpse is stolen by a pair of joyriders. The vicious killer sets off in pursuit—with more than just murder on his mind this time. Oh boy, this one isn't even due to be released until January 25. I am so cool.
   

Well, I'll pass these along to my good friend Dr. Cheese and see what he has to say. Maybe others would like to watch with him?

More Novel

My slacking-off month of December has expired, and I'm getting ready to resume working on my Great American Unfinished Novel. To that end, I've posted lengthy excerpts from the last three chapters, which should bring the narrative up to date for anyone actually reading it. It strikes me, in actually slowing down to read it, how much sex there is in this story. I know it's about an extramarital affair, but I suppose there's more than a hint of sublimation involved. Oh well, I don't make any apologies for it. It's not like I am writing cheesy, graphic descriptions or anything. Just cheesy emotions and stuff. Anyway, you know you want to go read it so I won't stop you.

Season of Hollow Soul

You all are privileged to have this front row seat in watching me go slowly, quietly mad and drink myself to death.

Ok, I'm too much of a pussy ever to drink myself to death. (God bless you, Dylan Thomas.) But going mad -- well, there's far less of a voluntary nature to that, I imagine.

Four Days Off

I'm in the midst of four days off from work with nothing much to do. I'm not sure when the last time something like this happened, but one thing I've noticed is how quickly my body and mind have reverted to my natural rhythm of staying up really late and sleeping through most of the day. It's been many years since regular employment has forced me to keep a standard "business hours" kind of clock, but underneath it all I've always felt the oppressiveness of getting up when I don't want to as well as going to bed when I don't want to. And two crummy days off each weekend has never been enough to snap me back to my natural clock. But four days apparently is. For example, last night I went to bed around 4:30am and today I got up at 2pm. And tonight, despite feeling very sleepy and napping around 9pm, I expect I'll be up several more hours before hitting the sack. So I guess the lesson to be drawn is that I'm half-vampire or something.

We All Need the Eggs

"Annie Hall" (1977) is deservedly one of Woody Allen's most well known and well regarded movies. It was on the tube tonight and, as often happens, I couldn't resist watching it again. It's horribly dated and dopey, but I still have a fond spot for it in my movie lover's heart. It really was brilliant in its time, a fact that's easy to gloss over almost 30 years later when the grab bag of Woody tricks and gags has become so old hat no haberdasher would come near it. (Ok, stupid joke, but hat blocking is also an old Woody joke, too.)

Sadly, Woody hasn't been able to produce anything so bold, funny, and bittersweet in many a year. I mean, "Hollywood Ending," "The Curse of the Jade Scorpion," and "Anything Else" just don't cut it. For the real goods, you need to look at "Stardust Memories," "Love and Death," or "The Purple Rose of Cairo" for classic, intelligent filmmaking from the Woodmeister.

Some people love his movies. Some hate them. Some just say he's a damn child molestor bordering on incestuous pervert. Well, I don't have any comment on the choices he's made in his personal life. But when his movies were good, they were spot on. As for his more recent output, well, I'd rather see what he does with a clarinet in one of his jazz performances. It has to be more lively and entertaining.

Beer Rocks

A "professor of brewing science" (now there's a job) illuminates the connection between beer and geology in this New York Times article.

Hey, Look, It's 2005

Whoa, it happened. It's a new year.

In celebration, I roamed downtown Ann Arbor tonight by my lonesome -- Arbor Brewing, the Firefly, the Oddball -- like a barfly version of Cheever's swimmer, attempting to cross the county bar by bar, only to end up at home, same as always. But at least the place wasn't shuttered; there's nothing and no one waiting to abandon me. Anyway, for some reason, I have no trouble meeting random dudes when I go out. (Tonight's random dude was "Todd.") That's fine; I like shooting the bull with random people. But I just gotta say it: Why are they never female people?

Well, here's to a swell 2005.

Current obsessions:
"Adia" by Sarah McLachlan
G.K. Chesterton
New Orleans